Saw an article this morning that I related so much to..

[barbidoll]

So I came across an article this morning about a young lady who was recounting her experience of sexual assault as a young college student. As I am reading I see myself in what she says. It wasn't that bad. That she is okay. I felt so much for her. I wanted to be able to shake her and tell her it's not okay. That she needs to get herself some help because these things can bite you on the butt later in life. While my experiences happened as a young child and teenager I still see myself in her. I wish I could tell her all the things I have realized about minimizing and denying my victimization at the hands of others. That it is okay to admit something has had a profound negative affect on you. That we shouldn't have to suck it up when people do things to us that are just flat out wrong.   I really hope that she realizes sooner than I have that no matter how much we tell ourselves we are okay and that it wasn't that bad that it doesn't change what is going on beneath the surface.  It doesn't stop the pain or the negative feelings we have of ourselves as a result of being victimized. I wish I could tell her when she is triggered by seing a picture of her rapist that  it's okay that it is traumatic for her. She has every right to feel what she feels and it isn't something wrong with her but because she has been wronged.  My heart breaks for her because I know we do these things to protect ourselves and get through day to day but while we are doing it we are only furthering the damage done.  I really hope that she gets the help she needs sooner rather than later. 
 

[Three Roses]

 

[Dee]

In my last therapy session I told my therapist how I wrote poems from the age of 11-17.  I destroyed and hid them so my mom could not find them and now I only have the first one I wrote.  I have that one because I memorized it.

So my therapist asked me to write a poem.  She said she thinks I stopped writing them because I was running from the past.  So I wrote about running from the past and how it didn't make anything better. 

[barbidoll]

I think I have been running for many years even as more traumatic events kept occurring. It wasn't until I couldn't deny any longer that something is not okay with me that I realized I have been running from it all. Even at first I was ready to deny that the earlier stuff still was effecting me until I admitted to myself I have never had good self esteem and that I had panic attacks even as a young teenager.
  I was reading that article just wanting to protect this women from realizing later how much she has hurt herself by running from it. 
  I guess it's better late than never to realize but it makes me sad to think how many years I have felt out of place or not good enough.  You know I realised recently that I will try to talk to people about something and if I feel they aren't listening or hearing I shut up and start feeling stupid. I have done that for a long time.

[Andyman73]

barbidoll, I can so relate to the feeling stupid cuz not being heard, and then shutting down.

Never had to run from it, memories were hidden away as quickly as the experiences occurred. Felt different and off, not right, but never knew why. Been living with CPTSD since 1994.