*TW* Not sure if this is right place to post but here goes.

[barbidoll]

I have had more than one relationship that I have left due to abusive behaviors. I have more than one child that has been a result of these relationship so I have to share custody.  I am just going to go with the one that is in the forefront of my mind because of recent behaviors. I am wondering what I am dealing with. I have excused a lot of his behaviors due to his alcoholism and probably given him more of my compassion and empathy that he deserves. I guess I have let myself believe that he is out of control but I wonder now how much of this is calculated?

I met this guy years before we had a relationship. He seemed nice. I never saw him buy an excess of beer when he came into my work. Just a 6 pack.  He seemed charming and giving. He even bought me a birthday gift that year we met. I thought he was cool. I remember talking to him after he lost a job and him telling me that he was fired for "creating a hostile environment". This didn't match what I knew about him so I didn't think much of him. What I know now leads me to believe that it was true. Anyway we didn't get together until a few years after we met. Again he seemed generous sending me money, buying me flowers. His drinking did not appear to be a problem and he seemed to care about my two kids. I was slightly annoyed that time he started explaining to me how to use a screwdriver before he left town but I laughed it off. I remember at least one time where he was in a bad enough mood that I took the kids out to give him time to cool off. I don't remember a whole lot of red flags during this time.

Then we moved to Denver with him. I remember at one point in the process of planning on the move he was insistent that I drive a rental car from one state to another despite my not having a license and never driving very far on my own before. Oh and this was in the middle of winter too. I definitely had never driven with ice and snow on the roads. He did not like that I got feedback from my family confirming my thoughts that this was not a good idea. I held my ground on this but did not realize this should have been a red flag for me. So we moved. I am not sure how long after we moved things started to get more and more distressing or even when I realized he was drinking to excess.  I remember his anger was scary. I remember more and more trying to get me and the kids out of the house out of the path of his bad moods. I remember being in the hospital while pregnant because the midwives were concerned about my blood pressure and I could sense his anger at being stuck there. I remmber being afraid of going into labor at home if he was drinking. I rememeber his rage while driving scared me. I remember how he seemed to turn on my youngest daughter. Where once he seemed to be loving father figure to her, he became critical of her.  I remember him accusing my 12 year old of being on drugs because she was hyper while he was drinking. He also accused her of rolling her eyes at him. I remember him buying stuff for all of us and being critical about it. The book or the dvds he bought me were silly in some way. The game he bought my younger daughter was causing viruses on his computer. The game he bought my older daughter was silly too. I can't remember the exact wording of what he said but I remember that he put the stuff we liked down.  My cooking was not good enough. In fact he pointed out to our neighbors how I didn't put butter in the burgers to make them more moist. I am not sure but I know I felt attacked in front of our neighbors while we were having a bbq. He pushed our son in his stroller down a long flight of stairs after drinking and I know he did it because I tried to nonchalantly take the stroller because I had watched him drink before this. I was terrified until they got to the bottom. I would try to talk to him aboit child care so I can work and help with money and he ignored me. Later on he would rage about money. At one point he was walking around the apartment muttering to himself about who was going to buy the cheese. I remember at one point he seemed to get really emotional over gas prices. I was literally stunned and didn't know what to think because he seemed to be crying over it. There is probably a lot more but I am going to fast forward to the day I left. I do not remember what set him off that day. I do remember him standing over me while I wad sitting and he was pointing his finger right in my face and was yelling, "You..!" I remember he questioned me being sexually abused by my father and him saying my sister put those ideas in my head. I remember him grabbing my 12 year old when she tried to escape his anger by taking the garbage out. I remember me and the kids locking ourselves in a room and me calling my sister for help. When he left the house I was so afraid of what he would do when he came back the kids and I grabbed the little we could and fled.

In the 9 years since I have left he had harassed me by phone and email. He has sent me forwards of emails where he disparages me to family. In one he even claims I sent him a Trojan and tags by email badly in it. He had accused me of fraud for getting a restraining order and for child support. When we were no contact he repeatedly makes suggestions we need to get together and talk.  He makes outrageous claims like our son who was maybe 3 called a black man on television father. When I tell him our son was throwing dirt and that he learned why it was not a good idea he comes back at me what are you teaching him.  He posted pics of my daughter after I left him and had a restraining order on him. He has told me he has seen in her eyes the potential to do harm. Gosh there are so many things like: repeated threats to return to court, him talking down about my oldest daughter or my family members, threats of cps, he refused to child support through state registry and still hasn't done it to this day, he even at one point says something about he can see when I cash the check, it looks to me like he uses the check and gifts to our son to check in on me because I have many emails where he asks about them, he even a few times told me not to cash the check yet, he brings up storage fees but I remember him refusing to load pod storage things if I could send them. I guess it is alot of stuff and this is already long. He has said he wanted to hit me when he left. I also remember talking to a sheriff he was threatening me with and the sheriff told me he sounded drunk when he called.

I can't put everything so I am going to fast forward to about a years ago.  I had let my boundaries drop by then and started letting him call. In one phone call where I am sure he has been drinking he calls me a * for trying to explain how our son is covered by two insurances. Another phone call he starts out by talking about child support and the next thing I know he is saying over and over, "Don't be lonely." I was not sure where that was coming from and told him I was not lonely. A bit later I start getting text messages from him. The first one he says he recognized my bras. The whole series of texts is bizarre and nauseating to me, especially when he says maybe one day we will be casual. I did not repsond to any of this and just prayed he would stop. Later on that evening he calls out son then I get put on the phone with him and he is saying something like That was cool earlier. All I could think to say was I have no idea what you are talking about. I can't tell you how nauseating it makes me feel to think he still could hold hope I will return to him. In December he was texting our son about being picked up. When my son got on the phone with him his Dad starts talking about how he had cancer and he doesn't want our kid to have it. My son always speaks on speakerphone so everyone could hear it and it was upsetting everyone. When he starts to talk about taking custody I grabbed the phone and told him this was not appropriate to talk about with our son. While on the phone with him I realize he is quite drunk and angry so I told him I would not speak to him like that and hung up. I have series of voicemails after that with him slurring saying he is just down the street and he can pick up our son whenever he wants. He is not even supposed to drink before or during visits but it has become apparent to me that he has been doing this. When I tried to talk to him about getting himself help for him and our son he threatened me and called me names. He hung up and came right over. I called the cops and refused to open my screen door. It took the cops four hours to come and I was told the threat was not specific enough for the police to do anything. I have a series of texts and emails from that day and the next where I keep pointing put he is not supposed to drink before ane during visits. He claims that i am not supposed to so I screenshotted that part of order and sent it to prove it says him. He evem tries to manufacture evidence that I have had Corona bottles all over the place which is absurd becausr when I do have beer it often sits in my refrigderator for months or even up to a year.  He claims he had designated drivers if he wants to pick our son up and finally claims he decided on his own not to pick him up.

So I have reverted back to email to communicate with him. I have more threats of court, cps, he threatened to sue me for defamation of character, he even gives me lawyers names in a few,  him calling me psycho which going back I realize that is one of his favorites despite being unable to spell it correctly, in fact there is a really bizarre one where he says his roommate can smell it or something on people and he can tell that I am a psycho (I have never met this person), at points he has told me he is done with me and not to talk to him, he brings up me being sexually abused as child and will say it is disgusting and uses it to question my fitness to parent or to question my family being allowed around our son,  he uses my daughter's mental health issues to point out I am a bad parent, says I ruined my oldest daughter (She is a lesbian and in college, working and has her own place.)  That is the weird thing because he uses the gay thing to say he doesn't approve but in his disturbing text messages from last year he told me he was bisexual.

So just this week he has told me he will not honor my wishes on bringing our son food during my parenting time, dared me to say no to our son for longer visits (He had one last weekend and the only reason I agreed was I felt that if I said no my son would get the fallout since he told our son he didn't care that I had not said yes to it), he called my setting boundaries games, said it was ridiculous when I called his behavior out for what it is: abuse, threatened more court stuff, cps, pronunciated things for me in email likr phone recording and email, and implied that he had or can get into my email to take as evidence for court.

He has told me things like our son hates me even when our son was four or five, that he hates his oldest sister, and lately he is suggesting to me that my son is telling him things that say I am a bad parent and he doesn't want to be with me.

My son does not know most of this since he was a baby when I left. I struggle with combating the things his father says against me. He even had him mad at me for leaving about two weeks ago.

What am I dealing with? I have excused all this for years but I am looking at it now thinking this is so wrong. This has to be more than just alcoholism. I have left another alcoholic and they never went to these extremes or seemed not to let go of the relationship. Does anybody see any familiar behaviors in my long drawn out story? I probably have left some out but it is overwhelming thinking of it all. I will say this money seems to be something he is preoccuppied about. He can spend it on you and then make you feel bad about it. 

Sorry this is so long but part of me is like I need to give him a chance to get better but another part of me thinks that he never will and that this goes beyond mere addiction issues. I guess I need to know if it's just me that thinks this is so way beyond normal and that I need to protect me and mine from it. 
Thanks for reading it if you can get through it. My head is such a mess. Yesterday I was shaking calling the police to see what I could do about it all.

[barbidoll]

A couple  more things I have remember I found in emails. At one point he says he will never forgive me for leaving. I am not sure if it was in that email or another one where he says our son will pay with his life for me leaving. Not sure what he means by that but it has been years since he said it and no that doesn't really relieve my fear he could take out his anger at me on our son.   He once said that no onr should be calling our son by his given name because that is him. That we have to use the nickname until he is dead. You know and that makes me realize he has referenced death a few times. Even this week when he was attacking me he was like for I haven't died. Creepy stuff, at least it is to me. Not sure if anyone has experienced anything like this.

[Three Roses]

Your post is really long but I recognize the feeling where you need to explain fully and in a lot of detail. I did manage to read most of it.

No one here can say with any certainty what you're dealing with, and IMO the only thing to even consider in this situation is what kind of father he is.

I think this guy is SERIOUSLY imbalanced and if I were you I would be getting myself and my son a counselor/therapist immediately, with the goal in mind of ceasing visitation or at least have visits supervised.

Your local domestic violence shelters and maybe even the police can help you further. Good luck.

[barbidoll]

Thank you Three Roses I have actually been going back and forth on whether to ask for supervised visits. We did have them at the beginning but our son was a toddler.  I think I feel the need to explain what he does just to me is because I try not to be an interrogative parent so I just let my kids come home and hope they talk to me about the things that upset them so I don't have as much information on what goes on there.  My son has only been confiding in me I think the past couple of years but before that there were long visits out of my state where he would come home and he always seemed to struggle adjusting. I put it down to normal adjustment things but now I am wondering what was going on during these visits.
I feel like I need supervised visits and decision making rights. I have an email where he tries to get me to let him into my home for Christmas claiming he want to see our son with a tree Christmas morning. I told him no I did not feel comfortable with that. He continued pushing I said no again then he got nasty. How do you work with someone who does that? 
   I am just overwhelmed by it all. I have had this sense that there is more than just alcoholism going of for years but only recently really thinking there is some serious stuff going wrong in his head. What I am not sure but the things he says scare me and makes me worry about what he might be capable of. 
  I also worry that by asking for supervised visits it can be turned around on me and I could lose my son. I am a mess of fear and emotion lately.

[Three Roses]

I'm pretty sure the child protection/advocacy professionals deal with both types of parents - parents who are in it just to use their children as tools to continue staying involved with the ex, as opposed to parents who genuinely just want the best for the kids. They probably can weed them out with no problem. And FWIW I feel like you're in the second category.

One suggestion - if you do involve a third party, I would only discuss your concerns for your children. I'm including your younger daughter in this too, as he had pictures of her online and that seems kind of odd to me.

I'm concerned that if you list things that he's done to you, they may doubt your sincerity.

Again, good luck. I'm rooting for you.

[barbidoll]

Thank you. And thank you for agreeing with me on the oddity of the pictures. I have tried to report them because one she is not wearing a shirt and Facebook won't even take that one down.  I have just really been weirded out by that since I found out. They suggest contacting him about it and I really don't want to open myself up to more abuse than I absolutely have to. Plus I have severe doubts that he would be receptive if he doesn't even respect my boundaries with our son.  There is actually a non harassment clause in our custody orders too and that hasn't really done anything to help.  I guess I need to figure out what to present for that.  I really want to be able to show he is unbalanced but I am not sure what to include to prove that.  I think he is good at covering it if he chooses to.

[Andyman73]

The DV shelter probably be your best bet, since they can cover all of those issues as a starting point. He is very clearly mentally and emotionally abusing you from afar. Also the SV shelter would have access to legal counsel that could answer your questions about protecting you and yours. As for pic of daughter, if she is topless in it, that qualifies as child porn. That could be your saving grace and his downfall. Wish I could do more for you. I so badly dislike filthy evil persons who do this to others and their children.

[barbidoll]

Andyman73,
  I am trying to figure out how to get down there and work around my kids schedules. I can't live like this anymore.  I just wish I knew how to explain certain things and why I need to do them. I worry that Dad has already told him things that will cause him to be angry if I take steps to protect us.  Maybe the shelter will have some ideas on that.  I am thinking that if I can't get there sooner maybe the next long school holiday will work. 
   As far as the picture, Facebook won't take it down.  My daughter was about 5 and I don't think she wanted her pic taken so she is covering her face in it.  I am kind of pissed at Facebook because they do not have any way where I can send them a message explaining why that pic needs to be down. I want the others down too. She is clothed but those pics were taken at her daycare when I had a restraining order. It looks like he used picking up our son to have contact with her.  It is disturbing to me. 
  Thankfully this weekend I get to keep my son home because Dad is supposed to be out of town. So I get a weekend to not worry.  It will be interesting to see if he informs me of this himself but I doubt he will.  I hate that court orders seem to give Dad's this idea that I am supposed to wait and be ready no matter what. My daughter's father callee 21 days into a month long visit once expecting to get her when he didn't inform me of his intentions earlier when he and his wife were calling to harass me for allowing her to visit with people she considers her grandparents.  They introduced her to them and the grandparents accepted her as a gtandchild and then she was denied them over child support. I have horrible taste in men. This is why I am staying single forever.
  I am not a big fan of people who do this stuff to kids. My daughter a few years became a weapon in her Dad's and Stepmother quest to not pay more child support.  Before it started my daughter was talking about wanting to take on more responsibility and well she ended up diagnosed with anxiety and depression not too long after.  Now a few years later I am not sure she could handle babysitting her 4 year old brother because she gets anxious and upset when her brother misbehaves.  I do not understand what possesses people to hurt kids in their quests to hurt their ex or for any reason. 

[Andyman73]

Barbidoll,
Some people are evil and wicked, and they are very adept at hiding it from general public. He is an abuser. He has current partner believing you are the problem. This is classic abuser behavior.  If you haven't heard of or read Lundy Bancroft's book "why does he do that", I would super highly recommend it. I just started reading it. And while my position is the victim and my wife, the abuser...I'm still hoping to gain a little insight.

Can you talk to the DV shelter counselor over the phone? At least that's a start. Also you can discuss the issue with your kids and your axh(abusive ex husband) or partner. I'm so worried for you. Mostly because I'm sorta in a similar situation, but also because I have a few friends on another online community who have escaped or are still living the life of DV. And when there are kids involved...it just breaks my hearts.

Also, have you considered calling your local Children and youth services, or what ever your county agency is called? I know they would be looking at you, as well as him. But then it would be some authority your abuser can't control.

I'm with you, you're not alone, okay?  Can't remember if you accept hugs or not.

[barbidoll]

Andyman73,
  When I have called CPS at others urging they blow me off. The last time I did I just gave up. I don't have a lot of faith in them since apparently a non custodial parent can use them to harass an ex and then when the ex calls with genuine concerns like alcoholism and fighting around the kids they ignore it.  One time a caseworker started calling them out on their bull and they called her supervisor which almost made me have to sign a safetly plan to cover their butts. I actually have tried to match up what they have claimed to me are their standards for opening a case with all the times my daughter's father has called and it doesn't match what they told me.
  I get you about the kids. I have hated my kids being involved in any of this. Back when my daughter was in the hospital I cried my eyes out wishing I could sign away child support so they would leave my daughter alone. It feels like dirty money to me.  I actually decided a couple of years ago that I am staying single at the very least until my last child is 18 to keep them out of any further craziness. 

[Andyman73]

Barbidoll,
I've often wondered about that, you know? Who's side are they on, really? I wouldn't wish this kind of thing on anyone. One person I used to know, had so much trouble that she had to report the CPS agents to her lawyer and the court.
I do hope your exes will stop all this stuff very soon and let you live in peace to finish raising your kids.

[Three Roses]

[barbidoll]

Andy,
  I used to have more faith that there was a system in place to protect me and my kids. Now I am not sure there is any protection.  I am not sure that I can get anyone to believe me or hear me in a world where the loudest and most obnoxious feels more valued. I see outright unbelievable lies in the world and when I see people believe them I feel hopeless. 
  I live in a state where CPS is overburdened and been criticized for letting kids fall through the cracks but instead of checking on those kids they keep being sent back to me. How messed up is that? You know what is truly messed up is that my ex is a mandatory reporter using CPS in a vendetta. By law he is supposed to report suspected child abuse because he is a teacher. I have wondered if he has ever gotten angry enough with a student's parents to call out of vindictiveness. He has done it to his wife.
   
   

[Andyman73]

Barbidoll,

I know, as a foster parent, I understand. The county system where I live, is the worst in the state, for ignoring the children's needs for sake of their numbers. They have the highest numbers in the state, out of 67 counties.  They actually told us to our face that they don't care about the kids, but are only interested in their numbers.
I wonder if there is a way to report a mandated reporter, who is in violation of that law?
Sitting with you on this one, Barbidoll.   Safe  if okay.