Running scared

[nibbe]

Please allow me to introduce to this forum an imaginary person that has severe C-PTSD. His trigger is any angry voice, or even the "thought", that someone might become angry. In short he is afraid of everyone, nor does he trust anyone, period. His life around people is a constant struggle with fear, hyper-vigilance, high anxiety levels, high blood pressure (BP), and full blown fight or flight attacks. He takes several pills each day to keep his BP and emotions in check, even with his limited interaction with people.

He developed his PTSD very early in life, for he was born deeply introverted, and highly sensitive (HSP), into a very large, very poor, "poisonous pedagogy" (Alice Miller) FOO that lived in a small farm house. Those very traits became his "dementors" (JK Rowling), for there was no place for an introvert to find any peace or downtime. And the HSP trait (sensory gating) did not allow for him to filter out any of the constant shouting, hitting, and spanking. The more he reacted to the chaos, the worse the punishment became. No attachment to either parent, or anyone else was ever established. He grew up in constant fear of his parents. (Dementors are ghostly creatures that suck the life forces out of people)

This imaginary person is now 70+ years old and only discovered recently (2014) the concepts of introversion, HSP, and C-PTSD. But it is clearly the PTSD that he struggles with daily. He is still self sufficent in that he cooks, cleans, and sews for himself. He is the plumber, the electrician, auto mechanic, handyman, landscaper, and farmer. Retired, he has little need at present to interface with the public. He is married, 35+ years, to a non-HSP extrovert that may have signs of being NPD.  So, no help there.

So, what are your thoughts? At this age does it make any sense to take on the challenge of doing therapy? And since he is unable/unwilling to "trust" anyone, isn't finding a confidant', or "enlightened witness" (Alice Miller) going to be difficult?

And no, I'm not kidding myself, or anyone else, he is not imaginary, he is a very real person. For his name, and my name, is "Nibbe". All I really ask for is to live quietly, in isolation. But for the extroverted masses, this is not understandable, nor acceptable.

"When it is Quiet, And I am Alone, I am at PEACE.........

[wingnut]

I hope that Nibbe can see value in himself and how talented he is to be a landscaper, farmer and so on, and that HSP is a gift (and a curse at times, it seems).

YES YES, it makes sense to do therapy. It can be a slow, gradual process building trust with that third party, but that's OK. I know this hurdle very well and I also understand the peace found in solitude. It does not always equate to loneliness. But the fact that you are asking this question tells us that you are not content with the status quo.

Nibbe could live to be 100, age is not a factor here. Finding some relief is. Invest in yourself. You are worth it.
Best to you!

[Trees]

Nibbe, I am close to your age, and much of what you say reminds me of my life.

I agree with Wingnut that therapy has the potential to be helpful and comforting.  But even now it is hard to find a therapist with real expertise in dealing with someone with severe C-PTSD.  And  those of us who are older find that some younger therapists also are not familiar with the ways that age can be an issue in the way that one seeks comfort.

Please be careful.  My experience with therapists has been rocky.  For me, it has been a real problem finding someone who is gentle enough to not trigger me and also strong enough to not be triggered by me.  Even therapists get triggered, and may not even know it.  And there are many who just do not realize how ignorant they are regarding severe CPTSD.

Currently I have a wonderful therapist.  We have our sessions on the phone.  I have never met this person in person.  Other therapists have disparaged this arrangement, thus betraying their own ignorance of what a person like me needs in a therapeutic relationship.  And, most importantly, they fail to understand that I myself understand my needs far better than they do.

You have survived a great deal in your life.  You are courageous and wise and deserving of great respect from any professional you may consult.      Trees

[Kizzie]

As Wingnut suggests Nibbe, perhaps that you are here asking questions is an answer in and of itself? It may be that therapy is not quite what you need/want at this time, but instead a community of people who understand your situation may be enough.  If that's the case we're glad you have found us - welcome   

[nibbe]

Thank You, for your responses. Funny how my brain works, when I write a piece like my intro, as soon as I hit the send button I start going over and over the piece. Asking, and then answering those questions for myself. Please give me a couple days to mull things over. And I will get back with you.

Thanks, Nibbe

[Rain]

Welcome, Nibbe.   

Nice to meet you.     

[nibbe]

First off, a heartfelt Thank You goes out to OOTS, and the people it represents. In the hours that followed my "intro" posting, my brain hit warp speed in self-talk. I cannot explain the mental mechanics at work, but somehow I felt more and more empowered by doing that posting. I kept asking why, WHY am I still running scared? I didn't know. But wait, I do KNOW! The Susan Cains, Elaine Arons, Alice Millers, Pete Walkers, OOTF, OOTS, and countless articles and research papers provided the answers. I CAN now explain all the gory details of how I came to be, and who I am today. I can explain why my blood pressure goes up when I'm around people, and down in quiet solitude. It's called C-PTSD, hyper-vigilance, anxiety, HSP, and introversion.

Armed with this knowledge, I can no longer justify running scared. So I stopped running, right here, right NOW. If going somewhere feels like being in a rock concert "mosh pit", I'll stop going. In my intro on Jan 8th, I talked about living in isolation. But living in "total" isolation is about the same as being deceased. The only real difference is that in isolation you CAN change your mind, and/or your path forward. A much better position would be living in "selective" isolation. If a person or people trigger you or raise your blood pressure, hang up, and isolate "them", not yourself.

And please understand that my life wasn't/isn't totally gloom and doom. By most social measures I had a good career, a family, and even moments of incredible  accomplishments. But always, always from the position of running scared, C-PTSD, and anxiety.

And yes Wingnut, my traits of INTJ and HSP were the dementors that sucked the life out of me as a child, and are now incredible, marvelous assets that I appreciate and have used the heck out of more times then I could ever count. As for living to 100?, let's go for it, and beyond, because suddenly I feel more alert , more alive, and more determined then I have felt in years. And start by reducing the trigger possibilities where ever and whenever I can.

So Thank You again to OOTS. You were there for me when I needed a kindly ear, with the patience to listen, and the knowledge and experience to understand. Right now I can appreciate the words from a Frozen song, "the past is in the past, so let it go, let it go....... Yes, the triggers will still happen, but I can certainly say NO to any venue where triggers are expected. And the memories and the scars of childhood are still there, cloaked for now by selective amnesia, to be dealt with in due time, with the right tools and support. But for right now though, it is time to set sail on a new course, and to stop running scared.

Thank You.

Nibbe

[Annegirl]

Wow, you really inspire me. I am happy and heart warmed to meet you here. You are in the same generation as my father who is 15 yrs older than my mother. My father was born in the first year of ww2 in europe  this generation i believe had an extremely tough time and sadly yours sounds even worse than normal.i hope you will get lots of help, understanding and support etc from this forum. So far it has helped me understand and grow so much 
With love

[nibbe]

Thank you Annegirl, yes the days are already starting to look brighter. And on the lighter side, a  little side note on "running scared". Understand that I'm just under 6', 230 pounds, a really thick barrel chest, short stubby arms and legs, and both are thick as trees. I have the standing posture more akin to a Grizzly bear, then a humanoid. So why was I running? I might look like a Griz, but I usually present as a very large teddy bear. The only time the Griz shows itself is when I see a child being abused by an adult,  Grrrrrr.

The sun is shining, so let's press on.
Nibbe

[Annegirl]

that made me smile. I love how you describe yourself.
I am so glad that this forum has already started to lighten the load.
with love

[flookadelic]

Extraordinary and inspiring. Thank you Nibbe! Sorry you had to go through so much but "who among you, would think that such a night of tortured travelling, could bring such a glorious morning?"