Triggered by my partner - TW

[WandaGershowitz]

Maybe the single biggest struggle I've had after having been raised in a dysfunctional, controlling family has been forming healthy relationships. For context, my father, for a period of about five years, was extremely physically abusive and quick to anger and hit me or my siblings with whatever object was nearest. My mother didn't believe me when I told her that my brother molested me at the age of 11, and continues to try to make me maintain contact with him.

My long-term partner (despite many good qualities) can be extremely quick to anger, controlling, and impatient. I find myself questioning my own understanding of the situation, and basically feel that I can't make rational and informed decisions when he is involved. I'm often not sure if he's right when he berates me and calls me stupid, or casually dismisses my interests and goals as too impractical. He knows about some of my past trauma, but refuses to acknowledge how his behavior triggers the symptoms of CPTSD or even empathize, and seems insulted to hear that the way he treats me and the way my parents treated me have any similarity. Over the past few years with therapy and medication, he's improved a lot and doesn't fly off the handle so easily, but I've also continued to enable him by avoiding confrontation when I'm angry or hurt, or know that my expression of my feelings will make him angry at me.

After three years of therapists telling me to speak my truth and make decisions for myself, not to ask for permission to make decisions, etc., my partner told me last night in an argument that I repeatedly make stupid and selfish decisions without consulting him, and that these decisions have had negative consequences on our financial stability and our relationship. In the instances he gave, I avoided asking him for permission because I knew he would shut me down immediately, and more important, because I knew that if I were to do what he wanted I'd regret it and deeply resent him. I think in some ways he's right - if I had chosen a different major in college, for example, I would probably be making more money. But I have lived most of my life doing what others want me to and regretting it, including many instances in this relationship. In the first five or so years of our relationship, I felt obligated to do anything he wanted me to do, and deeply regret it now. I burn with resentment when I think about having left college with less than a year to graduation, and missing the funerals of my grandparents. More recently, I refused to continue with the major he chose for me, and felt liberated at taking courses I found interesting and excelled in them. But now, when we're strapped and I'm looking for work and considering grad school in the future, he blamed me for our situation because I could have learned a more lucrative skill. I know that I could have done more to prepare myself for life after college, but I can't help but feel resistant and resentful of his suggestions, especially when he is harsh and dictatorial, and dismisses my thoughts and feelings. He might be right, but it feels just like my dad dictating my life choices as a child and teenager.

I know I shouldn't be in this situation, but find myself almost frozen in fear at the thought of leaving, and I think I sabotage opportunities to make it easier (especially financially) to do so. I feel trapped, but after last night's fight, I feel like I've almost reached my limit, and have been drained of most of my affection for him.

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read such a long post.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I'm so sorry to hear all this, mate. This must be such a really tough situation for you.
I think you should do whatever you think is best for you in the long run, even if that means leaving because it certainly seems like you're not coping well with him around. But yeah, easier said than done.
Keeping you in my thoughts, Wanda.

[sanmagic7]

hey, wanda,

i recently left my hub of 15 years for some of the same reasons.  i'd thought of leaving him off and on for several years before that.  altho he is a good man, and has been good to me in many ways, too many times our differences of opinion ended up in bickering, until it was nearly a daily occurrence.

you will do what's best for you in your own time and space.  living with someone who consistently calls you stupid and undermines your decisions seems like a pretty tough row to hoe.   you do deserve to be respected for what you think is right for you.  i'm another who chose what i love to do instead of following a money trail.

i'm all for discussions in a partnership, rather than having to ask permission.  discussing something seems to me to be more of an adventure between equals, whereas asking permission sounds more like an imbalance of power.  we can discuss ideas, hear the pros and cons, and still do what we want without having someone's permission.  maybe they won't agree with our decision, but that's ok.  2 adults aren't always going to agree, but can still support and respect each other.

best to you with this.   it's a difficult decision, one that only you can make.  sending you a hug filled with confidence and clarity.

[ah]

Hi Wanda,

Yeah, I agree with every word that was said.

I'm so sorry, it sounds like a terribly painful place to be.
I'm in a slightly similar situation (with someone else) and I know how challenging it can be.
I guess we can do what others want of us and neglect ourselves not because we're weak or clueless. Far from it. We do it because we learned early on that we'd be in danger if we didn't, and that's such a harsh lesson to unlearn. It's taken me decades to see. You're absolutely not alone.

I'm thinking of you, and really glad you're here.