Confusing therapy session regarding Joy

[Sceal]

I am sorry it's taken me so long to get back to answer here. I just needed time. And I also wanted to be able to give you a proper reply, Vanilla. But I'm finding it difficult to do so.

I think you might be right, that my T was probably more worried about the lack of diversity, rather than joy in particular.

I've been numb for a very, very long time. But this past week I think I've had to admit that right now I'm feeling something all the time. I don't really know what it is, but it's not particularly pleasant. It's not intense, it's like it's probing it's way through the numbness. If any of that made sense..

I know that if you cut out some emotions, you cut out more or less all of them. I've experienced that plenty of times. I just haven't learned how to deal with emotions in a healthy way, and so I've grown accostumed to pushing them away for as much as I can. Except, I think part of me is now slowly starting to try and get in touch with them. I think also I had to regulate my emotions so not to get my abusers angry, in fear of them hurting me.

I'll try and ask myself what am I feeling, instead of when do I feel joy?

[LittleBird]

That's great advice you've given yourself just there 

It's so difficult to navigate. I hope you can be gentle and patient with yourself. A gentle melt, someone said to me here. Compressing it all took time and decompressing does too.

[Sceal]

Thanks Etymon.
I think I'll have to write it down on a note. I think it was 3 Roses that suggested getting a pen that can write on glass and write on the mirror.. I was going to get one, but then my money ran out. I can write messages and pink them to the curtain beind the computerscreen.

[LittleBird]

That's another good idea 

Writing it will help you, I think (it has me, although I am running out of paper!).