being productive

[helliepig]

Does anyone else struggle with being productive?
I often sit at home overwhelmed by stuff to do. Wondering how "normal" people motivate and interest themselves. Feeling my space is not good enough.
And then I start to tidy and everything feels messy and dirty and I run out of steam. It feels so sad and angry and pointless and causes a deep bleak sadness I don't understand. Who cares anyway?
And I feel ashamed. It's so hard for me to have people in my space. My T says it's a great defence to keep people away.
Yet outside at work I am organised, effective and tidy. Seems like I have my stuff together. If only they knew......

[Blueberry]

I'm like this in both places, work or home. Oh wait, I don't have a work place anymore.

It could be a defence mechanism to keep people away, or it could be something else. I like that my present T asks me to feel what's going on rather than he telling me why I'm reacting how I am. Because the usual answer that people trot out is often not the answer in my case. 

[helliepig]

I so agree. I'm hoping eventually I'll understand what it's about x

[Rainagain]

For me being overwhelmed by chores and other tasks is because I don't think they are important enough to bother about.
I had convinced myself my work was important so I put a lot of effort into that area, since leaving work last year I have done next to nothing as nothing seems important these days, its all pretty pointless really.

[helliepig]

I get that Rainagain
It feels like a big mountain to pull yourself up.
I wonder sometimes if I feel angry at it all and i'm rebelling by not doing it or because I feel ashamed of my space as if it's not good enough.
But yes the pointlessness.

[achilles]

I feel this way all the time.  Sometimes I get motivation to clean, but most of the time I feel defeated and just don't care.  I know I'd probably feel better if I was more productive, but I just...can't.  I feel like I'm suffocating under a huge weight.

[Resca]

I know that feeling intimately, helliepig. Rainagain and achilles articulated it really well: it feels like there's no point. I wonder sometimes if it has to do with that low self-esteem and inner critic that constantly says "You won't do it right anyway" or "You're lazy and ungrateful, and nothing you do will prove otherwise." It's a battle sometimes just to get off the couch and vacuum the floor, even if I felt productive as heck about it half an hour ago. You're definitely not odd or alone in that shamed feeling.

As pointless as it all seems, sometimes I just force myself to do the thing anyway. It takes forever and I feel like a giant jackass (am I allowed to curse here?...sorry) in the process, but I usually do feel better afterwards. Other times I just can't manage. I'm trying to be okay with the fact that some days are just easier than others.

Cut yourself some slack, if you can. People like us are on mental, emotional, and cognitive overdrive constantly. It's exhausting. Especially given how much effort you're putting in at work. It's okay to be who you are at home, be it messy, marginally productive, or otherwise. And if it's worth it for you to change as part of your healing process, you'll be able to push through when you're ready.

[Blueberry]

It's a battle sometimes just to get off the couch and vacuum the floor, even if I felt productive as heck about it half an hour ago.

I know this feeling very well.

And I agree with trying to cut ourselves some slack.