Conversion disorder

[Blueberry]

I was reading Ghost's post about PNES and started googling it. One thing led to another and I saw "conversion disorder" which was mentioned in my latest inpatient report in combination with what they're labeling as OSDD atm because they're still not 100% sure where I am on the dissociative spectrum. See https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15563.msg136356#new

So reading this now https://www.chop.edu/conditions-diseases/conversion-disorder

"Conversion disorder involves the loss of one or more bodily functions. Examples include:

    Weakness or paralysis
    Loss of balance or difficulty walking
    Tremors or seizures
    Vision problems, such as double vision or blindness
    Hearing problems or deafness
    Difficulty speaking or inability to speak
    Difficulty swallowing"

Yes to weakness, yes to loss of balance and difficulty walking, yes to hearing problems (my hearing was often very bad during inpatient stay especially in certain group trauma settings and my T eventually said that it can be caused by dissociation)
Lesser or unclear symptoms from list:
It's possible that I had tremors or seizures as a teen, I'm not sure partially because nobody in FOO ever saw it happen so nobody could tell me what it looked like on the outside. See https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=7891.msg136358#msg136358
My eyesight is getting worse and some things on this topic feel a bit nebulous or as Hope wrote on my OSDD thread, they're still hidden in a tunnel.
Difficulty speaking - yes in the sense that when things are really hard and/or I'm trying to talk about something very triggering in therapy, it can be that I can only speak in a whisper.
Difficulty swallowing - it feels that way sometimes when the lump in my throat is particularly large but I'm not sure if that would be included here. I actually had a lump in my throat for years, it was called 'post-nasal drip' then; maybe it still is. It was annoying, I was always swallowing trying to make it disappear. At the same time I also assumed that everybody had one and it was there for keeps, bad luck sort of thing.

[Armee]

Thanks Blueberry for sharing this. I didn't realize those were conversion disorder symptoms though I've thought that fits even without the list.

Interesting to me that loss of balance is one. I've been tested for multiple sclerosis a number of time for repeated symptoms that essentially fall under this list (and I don't have MS). But I will just randomly fall. Its not even really losing balance because there isn't a teetering first. My leg just crumples under me and down I go. I'm not tripping. I just fall standing still. I just had to remember about the worst time because a pediatrician asked me if my daughter had had any head injuries and I had to answer yes because one time that happened while I was holding her as a baby and her head hit the asphalt. 

[Blueberry]

I was writing about this first over here https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=7891.msg136358#msg136358 the salient points being:

He also asked if I collapse or my muscles go weak or paralysed, I don't do that but it sounds like he was thinking about symptoms like yours so it must be a known thing that can happen.

Reading this now brings :lightbulb: in my head. Because sometimes when I'm walking I just kind of collapse. When it's happening I have an image of my legs concertina-ing sideways beneath me and that's the image I also have rn writing about it. So my legs concertina and I land on the ground, often quite lightly - I don't tend to really  hurt myself but I often can't get up immediately afterwards either. Particularly my legs (rather than my arms for instance) simply don't obey me.

...

My inpatient trauma T mentioned that your foot suddenly giving way when you walk can be caused by dissociation, I remember that now. But since the state of my legs and feet improved with physio while I was inpatient I figured that my foot problems were all down to weak muscles, bad shoes (nearly all shoes are bad for me in some way or other, even those that are mostly good and specially for people with problem feet) and my general neglect of my feet plus being physically inactive especially in EF weeks.

"just kind of collapsing" and "concertina-ing" sound like your "crumpling" to me. I don't want to offend anybody's religious feelings or their atheistic outlook but this forum is really a god-send! The craziest of symptoms and there is always at least one other forum mbr who has something similar, can relate etc - unfortunately for them of course. Even when I'm walking along and do this, I'm not actually tripping either. One leg or both just give way, even if I sometimes have a second or two forewarning.

Armee, I'm so sorry it happened to you when you were holding your baby daughter and that she went down with you injuring her head       It wasn't your fault, it was cptsd.

[Armee]

Thanks Blueberry I agree it is a godsend here.

And I deeply appreciate you posting this because I never made the connection. And yes the description you provide matches exactly what happens when my ankle and leg crumple and down I got it's almost slow motion and like you I see it happening almost a couple seconds before it does. Now I wonder what it is keeping us protected from. Thanks for the empathy about my baby. It was awful because her head made a cracking sound. I was with my mom. But we had her checked out at ER/ED and there was no injury or bleeding or concussion thank God. Now I'm wondering if she has a sense of trauma from that buried under her reactions to her body being out of her control.