Get over it already

[barbidoll]

Not talking about my self but my ex. It has been 9 1/2 years since I left and my son says he feels like his Dad thinks everything would be better if we were still together which is absurd.  How long does it take for someone to get over it? And how does anyone even in their wildest imagination think someone should come back to them after they have repeatedly put that person down.  Sometimes it feels like he isn't even in the same reality because I don't think he had ever acknowledged the harm he has done. Well there was that one time where he admitted to having a lot of anger but it seemed like he was fishing for hook up so I don't know if that really counts. It's so creepy to me to think he has not gotten over it.  How long does it take? And why would you want someone you think is psycho and dumb? I mean will he ever get over it?   

[Three Roses]

IMO it's pointless to wonder and worry about other people and why they do what they do. I can barely figure myself out.

[barbidoll]

Good point.  On the upside when my son told me some things Dad had said and this about mom and Dad being together today I asked him if he thought Mom should be with a man who says the things Dad says about me. He said no. So at least he understands those things are not appropriate. 

[Kat]

Smart boy, your son. 

You asked, "Will he ever get over it?"  I doubt it.  Unless he's willing to do a lot of work...  I doubt it.

[JamesG]

he sounds like a brooder, like my brother. It gets worse over time, not better. But like the others here have said, there's no point engaging with trying to work it out, you'd have more luck juggling clouds

[Andyman73]

Ehhhhh.....I wouldn't be so sure....the only thing he's not over, is the fact that you actually managed to get away from him. He is an abusive man, with a NP. The only thing he's missing is hurting and controlling you.

See, my wife is a lot like that. While I haven't left her yet, I am working on it. She says all kinds of nasty things to me, about how no woman will ever want me cuz I'm so screwed up and stuff. Check this out...she even said no man would ever want me either!?!? She's convinced I'm gay, because I won't have sex with her. Well I won't have sex with her anymore because I now know what she is. Okay...so I'm a screwed up mentally ill gay man...right? She even tells me that after baby is adopted I should just move out, then. But then, after all that abuse and such..she says, stay with me and we can work it out and make it work. HOW???
I know she has been abusing me since day one!!! Physically and sexually and mentally and verbally and emotionally .... pretty much all the tenets of DV!!! I might be dumb, but I sure aint stupid!!! And if for no other reason, my kids must know that they don't have to stay in abusive relationships either..I must leave her.

So you axh, isn't missing you and pining for you....no no....he misses the control he had over you. To his abusive NP mind, you represent his biggest failure, the one that got away, that escaped his abusive ways. That makes you super awesome in my books! Your son will be so much better off as he grows up, because he no longer sees his daddy abusing his mommy.

You are so so awesome!!!!!

[Liefje]

Ehhhhh.....I wouldn't be so sure....the only thing he's not over, is the fact that you actually managed to get away from him. He is an abusive man, with a NP. The only thing he's missing is hurting and controlling you.

See, my wife is a lot like that. While I haven't left her yet, I am working on it. She says all kinds of nasty things to me, about how no woman will ever want me cuz I'm so screwed up and stuff. Check this out...she even said no man would ever want me either!?!? She's convinced I'm gay, because I won't have sex with her. Well I won't have sex with her anymore because I now know what she is. Okay...so I'm a screwed up mentally ill gay man...right? She even tells me that after baby is adopted I should just move out, then. But then, after all that abuse and such..she says, stay with me and we can work it out and make it work. HOW???
I know she has been abusing me since day one!!! Physically and sexually and mentally and verbally and emotionally .... pretty much all the tenets of DV!!! I might be dumb, but I sure aint stupid!!! And if for no other reason, my kids must know that they don't have to stay in abusive relationships either..I must leave her.

So you axh, isn't missing you and pining for you....no no....he misses the control he had over you. To his abusive NP mind, you represent his biggest failure, the one that got away, that escaped his abusive ways. That makes you super awesome in my books! Your son will be so much better off as he grows up, because he no longer sees his daddy abusing his mommy.

You are so so awesome!!!!!

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time, and I hope you can leave that abusive situation soon. I know it must be really difficult, especially when you have a child.  Thankfully, you know what the problem is. That part of the struggle is over. People with NPD don't think they're doing anything wrong.

[Andyman73]

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time, and I hope you can leave that abusive situation soon. I know it must be really difficult, especially when you have a child.  Thankfully, you know what the problem is. That part of the struggle is over. People with NPD don't think they're doing anything wrong.

Thank you....probably will leave her in the spring. Unless she wants me out sooner.  According to her, I am the problem. And not her NPD for sure!

[Blueberry]

barbidoll, sometimes I wonder these sorts of things too about FOO. Maybe slightly different questions. But the  How can they not understand     

And while I agree with others on here that it's pointless to wonder in that we'll likely never get an answer, sometimes it's just good to express what you feel on this issue. Which is what you did here.  We might get an answer sometime, I have got a few over the years, but they're not the kind of answer you really want to hear.

Standing with you, somewhat wobbly, cuz not very stable atm, but nonetheless standing with you. 

[barbidoll]

Thanks everyone!  Been off for a few days because I had phone issues so just got a chance to see the replies.
  Blueberry,
  You are so right about just getting it out. My son's school counselor actually brought up him wanting me back after I had posted this and I can't express how vomit worthy that thought is.  I don't care why so much as I want him to just go away. Is that terrible? 
Andyman73,
  Yeah I think he really does miss the control.  I am sheepish to admit though he has had more control over me since I left than I should have allowed. Working on stopping that too. 
  Your wife sounds like a winner.  Not wanting to sleep with someone who puts you down? I totally can sympathize.  I think with my exes I hit points where my mind knew what was going on but I hadn't quite gotten there and I didn't want to have sex with them anymore.  With this one ex I have texts where he talks about sex from a year ago and they make me nauseous that he even thought it was a possibility.
  I wish you luck getting out. You need to take care of you.  You deserve better. 
JamesG,
A brooder? Hmm yeah I think he can be. When I start seeing him send me email after email all I can imagine is him sitting at his computer with his beer and getting angrier and angrier.  He is almost 60 so I definitely don't think the odds of him getting better are very high. 

[Andyman73]

Thanks.
Sorry your exes keep contacting you with their ugliness. You deserve so much better than that.

[mar74]

Even with this being a different situation than mine I can relate so much when I read through the replies!  My husband LOVED controlling me! But he also loves punishing me, always has. In fact, he probably loves punishing me more than he loves controlling me, which is why I am separated still for coming up on two months.  He knows that he is my addiction, so what is the best way to punish me???  Send me away, neglect me, act like he doesn't care. 

I too scratch my head in wonder of that question we all seem to ask...."How do they not see what they've done, are doing, etc., how is it always someone else's fault and how can they not see it even when many people tell them and you flat out provide evidence of their horrific side"?

I wish us all clarity in our questions that they leave us forever hanging with!

[LittleBird]

I too scratch my head in wonder of that question we all seem to ask...."How do they not see what they've done, are doing, etc., how is it always someone else's fault and how can they not see it even when many people tell them and you flat out provide evidence of their horrific side"?

Narcissus was obsessed with his own reflection. These Fight behaviours are fed by signals and cues that are interpreted to justify what they are doing. This might be as small a gesture as body language or sigh. When these behaviours develop to an extreme degree - they can't see past themselves. They are looking for validation all the time. It's a defence mechanism in itself - but damaging on the extreme side of the scale.

barbidoll, I'm really sorry to hear your son's father is talking to him like that - he doesn't deserve to be treated like that.