Alone Time

[globetrotter]

So, I know I am an introvert, and that we introverts need alone time. I also know as a CPTSD victim, I need alone time. How much alone time is ok, and when does it become a symptom?

I find that although I'm in a 20 year relationship, I get really antsy when we are together too much. I cherish being by myself. My quiet place provides a feeling of safety and peace and is a comfortable retreat. If I had my way, I think I would be alone 3 nights a week. Is that a bit much given the fact that I do have a fairly healthy relationship? We respect the fact that everyone needs alone time but I'm not sure of the way I feel when I don't get it. Sometimes I get up really early on the weekend to have a couple of hours, or head out on my bike for a couple of hours, which helps. We both travel alot, which provides gaps. I wonder if I would be successful as a mountain hermit. I also get tweaky when I have house guests for more than two days. My peace is disrupted.

Does anyone else crave alone time or think maybe the want is a bit excessive?

[emotion overload]

I am also an introvert, and I am extremely isolated.  It for sure is part of CPTSD for me.  I consider myself relatively agoraphobic.  I have learned that this is a symptom of trauma in that we sometimes try to make our lives as small as possible, and sometimes, like in my case, basically stop participating in life. 

So I will give you an example of the amount of time I spend alone, and I think you will be relieved to find that your needs are way less than a pathological case of isolation.  I don't work.  I leave the house only when necessary (groceries & therapy).  My dd goes to school at 7 am and gets home around 4 pm.  I am alone all that time.  Every day.  Even on the weekends, my dd does her own thing, so it's like I'm alone.  I have zero problem with this schedule and do not get lonely.

This is one of my most problematic symptoms of CPTSD, and it has to do with anxiety and from what my therapist says, a tendency to general that all situations are dangerous.  She encourages me to go out and face my fears but I'm not there yet.

Globetrotter, I think your situation is healthy.  A mix of shared and alone time.  I assume you work too, so you have 40 hours a week that you are with people.

[globetrotter]

EO, Thank you for sharing this. I usually think I have a good balance, too, until I start to feel like I'm overstimulated and uncomfortable.

I think you hit on something key here - you do not have a problem with your schedule and don't get lonely. So if you are fine with it, why is it not ok? (rhetorical question) My T keeps sniffing around my alone time. I need to look at the 'why' (safety) vs the 'how much'.

I understand what you're saying about keeping a small circle. It's a highly guarded gate of trust that folks must pass through. I think I could live in a world with less people and be pretty content.
One of my best friends is a hermit in the foothills who lives 9 miles back a dirt road. He comes down once a week and rarely socializes. He loves his solitude and books. Only other people give him a hard time about it. I visited him recently and thought that I could very easily slip into that world. I cycle through phases where I don't want to be around anyone then I'm ready to go out in the world again.

[emotion overload]

Globetrotter,
I would be mostly ok with my solitude, but I have a young daughter.  My seclusion affects her in that we don't go out and do things.  Already, she is getting to be like me and resisting leaving.

The other issue is that I have trouble when I do have to leave the house.  Like when I have to get groceries, it can ruin my whole day knowing I have to do it.  That part does bother me, I wish I was more comfortable going out.

I've always been rather ok with being alone, but it's gone a bit far for me now.

[globetrotter]

That's understandable. Curious if you can enjoy being outdoors alone with your daughter, say on a walk in the woods, where you don't have to interact with others, for starters. One of my favorite escapes..nature is healing and you could share it with her .

[pam]

I understand introverts and their needs and preference to be alone often, even tho I'm really an extrovert. If it was up to me I'd never be alone because i just have a better time being around people...altho you'd never know it to look at my lifestyle.

Like you Emotional Overload, I don't work and am alone for hours on end every day. But it has taken me YEARS to adjust to that. If I was healthier, I'd be much more involved with people. That's the goal, but right now tho, with severe SA, I don't even have friends IRL. But I have been with my BF for 21 yrs. I am living somewhere with no roots (didn't grow up here) and I don't trust people, so I can't really make friends. I do have some online friends tho. Most of them are introverted and that's cool. I say whatever makes the person happy! 

I think it also depends on the kinds of people you spend time with. Some drain the life out of me, so even tho I'm an extrovert, I would rather be alone than be with them, lol! 
 

[Butterfly]

Introvert / extrovert honestly hold no meaning for me. I enjoy people, quiet comfortable relaxed people. But even then I need time alone. Often I've felt I could live alone in the woods because I love nature and quiet solitude. I'd have friends for dinner often yet have time quiet in my sanctuary. When I'm around people too much my head gets buzzed to the point that if I go to a quiet room my ears and head actually hear a swooshing noise for some time.

I do volunteer work several times a week and in open spaces. Confined and crowded spaces are not for me. After some hours I come home and don't even want the tv on - just some quiet time to read. Too much activity is overwhelming and I sometimes even put silicone earplugs to dull the noise but can still hear fine. Not sure if that's healthy or not but it works for me. I'm not seeing a T and if I was perhaps I'd have more problems than I'm aware of presently!

Globetrotter I don't think your desire to have some quiet solitude is anything that needs examination. If it works for you it seems like just a healthy preference but that's my totally unprofessional opinion.

You know, writing this out made me have a sudden aha moment. Screaming and yelling were common growing up and quite traumatic. When there was quiet it was quiet filled with tension waiting to mum to explode. If I kept silent or tucked out of the way in my closet or basement crawl space she'd have less to explode about. I'd hide there for hours with my flashlight reading and feeling quite safe.

Maybe I just find quiet solitude safe.

[Kizzie]

I just had an aha moment too - in CPTSD hyperarousal/hypervigilance is common and this constant scanning of the environment for threats takes a lot of energy and effort. So, quiet, safe spaces where we can be alone to recharge our batteries is a necessity.   If you aren't CPTSD you aren't always "on" (looking for danger), so it's not as exacting to be in busy, active situations. One thing I'm not sure about is when things become overwhelming (too much noise, light, movement, stress - whatever) whether going to a quiet place is dissociating or recharging.  Hunh, have to think about the difference between the two. 

I cherish being by myself. My quiet place provides a feeling of safety and peace and is a comfortable retreat. If I had my way, I think I would be alone 3 nights a week. Is that a bit much given the fact that I do have a fairly healthy relationship?

Just to bring this back to your original question though GT, I think we need what we need. My H is quite used to me saying I need time to myself and doesn't take it personally.  He knows I need to recharge and understands that the time alone really helps me (and by extention him as I'm much more pleasant when I can steal away now and then  )   

[globetrotter]

Butterfly/Kizzie - I think you've both paraphrased more eloquently what I was eluding to...that peace and quiet is calming, recharging, for an introvert, and a habit of the past in seeking safety and getting away from the fear and constant hypervigilence for CPTSD victims...a combo deal.

[Badmemories]

I try real hard to get out some. I sit for My grand daughter and that makes me get out!
I take her to the park sometimes, and try and do things with her. I Used to be a real people person,but now I hole out and stay inside more than I used to! I feel like I do not know wheather I am a introvert or and extrovert. Before being Married to uNPDH I would have said I was an introvert... now I just don't know! Will the real, Pamela please stand up?

I think the Word to consider is balance! I also think It is healthier to really LIKE spending time with Yourself. Some people can't do that either. They are the type that always has to have someone around! I think that can be a way to NOT SEE or work on ourselves! Being like that is Not healthy either.

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks for this thread. I had that same a-ha moment too. Of course hypervigilance is energy-consuming. It just never occurred to me before.

Here's other things I do because of CPTSD that are energy-consuming.

---CPTSD makes it harder to find common ground with people. It's like that time dh and I were the only skint (and jobless, and grieving, and depressed) people among a gaggle of peers that were employed and normally happy. THAT was fun. People who knew we had little money recommended cocktail bars to us. Cocktail bars! Such things happened repeatedly. They all meant well and were nice, but they clearly couldn't even begin to fathom not having money. And having CPTSD is like that, every single day. It's like coming from a different culture to everyone else.

---Then, CPTSD gives me so many things I have to hide or explain or compensate for. It's like cluttering up a computer with twenty separate anti-virus programmes that all run at the same time and partially conflict with each other. Things slow waaay down, and after a while my processor overheats.

Things got a bit easier once I hit a point where I was so tired from trying to make friends that I stopped. Now, I'm a lot more relaxed with people. Ironic, because when I was more tense, I was also among people a lot more. But it's a relief, knowing I'll survive on my own. Aloneness used to be so scary. But now that I've been isolated for so long, I know it's not ideal, but I can do it. I survive. That softened my old panic about being rejected.

[globetrotter]

That sounds a lot like how I have reflected upon Social Anxiety, too, Katze - another albatross I've had hanging around on and off to varying degrees.
Have you read much about SA? An offshoot of CPTSD for some.

[schrödinger's cat]

Sorry for answering so late. I somehow mislaid the tab I'd opened this in. No, I haven't read much about SA, but mainly because I was really discouraged for the last six years. I kind of took it for granted that surely I could show the clearest, surest symptoms of anything and STILL everyone would go "oh no, you're fine, there's nothing wrong with you". So thanks for the tip. I might read up on it now.

[Butterfly]

---CPTSD makes it harder to find common ground with people. It's like that time dh and I were the only skint (and jobless, and grieving, and depressed) people among a gaggle of peers that were employed and normally happy. THAT was fun. People who knew we had little money recommended cocktail bars to us. Cocktail bars! Such things happened repeatedly. They all meant well and were nice, but they clearly couldn't even begin to fathom not having money. And having CPTSD is like that, every single day. It's like coming from a different culture to everyone else.

---Then, CPTSD gives me so many things I have to hide or explain or compensate for. It's like cluttering up a computer with twenty separate anti-virus programmes that all run at the same time and partially conflict with each other. Things slow waaay down, and after a while my processor overheats.

Thanks for these!

[spryte]

I have often wondered what my actual personality would look like if it weren't for the c-ptsd. For the last several years I've identified as an introvert - my personality type comes up INFJ again and again, and I match all the "traits" on the Highly Sensitive Person test. In addition to that, for the longest time I've had social anxiety, and adrenal fatigue problems. All of that adds up to a very solitary, low energy person who MIGHT be more social, IF I had the energy for it. But Cat, you hit the nail on the head with the cocktail bar analogy. I've had to explain to people numerous times that I have to ration my energy carefully.

Globetrotter - I'd say that if your need for alone time isn't affecting your relationship negatively, then it's nothing to worry about. Both my boyfriend and I are introverts...him even more so than me. But, there are things that we've worked out...like...is it alone time that we need? Or is it spending time doing things that we would normally do alone, but could do together? He does wood working, and makes music...things that he got very used to doing alone for a long time, and had to work through some anxiety in having someone around while he was doing them, but now he likes it when I just...hang out reading, or on my computer, doing my own thing while he's doing them. We are finding ways to be "alone" while being "together" if that makes sense. There's a big difference between "doing things together" and just "keeping each other company".

YMMV - as he is the singular human being on this planet that I don't mind being in my personal bubble much more than other people.

I think the most important thing about it is knowing when you need that alone time. He used to be seriously awful about it. Before we got together officially...he'd go these long periods hanging out with me all the time, neglecting his alone time. Then he'd just...disappear. Get overwhelmed and completely shut down. For weeks. Sometimes months. We worked on that though and now he can say, "No, I don't want to hang out, I want to do such and such." or he can let me know when he's feeling frazzled, and sometimes I just give him alone time knowing that he needs it.

Maybe just more intentional communication is necessary for you.