Alone Time

[globetrotter]

Hey, Spryte: INTJ here...and HP and SA person.

I read an article this week about SA vs Introversion and *fear* being the distinguishing trait, but I am both.  So I question the drivers and which one is dominating at the moment.

There was also a kind of poorly written online test here about types of introversion, but it was still an interesting article, fwiw.
http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/beautiful-minds/2014/09/29/what-kind-of-introvert-are-you/

Sometimes I wonder if I weren't in a relationship, if I would turn into a hermit. I have so many hobbies (drawing, writing, reading, hiking, biking) that are individual-based, I could disappear!
My SO and I have come a long way over the years and there's no longer the pressure that I used to feel of maybe her feeling rejected when it was just me needing to recharge and be by myself. Sharing an article on introverts helped significantly.

[spryte]

I am seriously questioning all of the personality labels that I've taken on, including the physical labels...I don't know how much of "me" is "me" in relationship to my personality anymore, so I've set most of them aside to do this C-PTSD work.

It was really funny yesterday...in a not haha way...I got curious about hindu astrology, so I went and plugged my numbers into a website that I found. This is what it said:
"A Moon in Aquarius graces you with creativity, strong intuitive powers and an intense desire to fulfill your dreams. You are likely to be very inventive with a scientific disposition, as well as extremely detail-oriented. A mystical side and futuristic perspective are both latent in this combination. You will be admired for your humane qualities and generosity, and will always seek out the highest standards and ideals. This combination promises you an easy life, with more successes than disappointments in your endeavors."

And I'm thinking as I go through, a lot of this is very accurate...until I get to the end there...where my brain, like we used to do with fortune cookies, tacks on "...unless someone has crushed your soul with abuse."

smh

Anyway, you sound a lot like my boyfriend actually. I'm pretty sure that I'm the only reason that he hasn't disappeared into his "cave" never to be seen again. He is creative, and an artist and so easily gets lost in his creative endeavors. Which I support, and encourage...to a degree. And then I remind him that there are certain social contracts that need to be fulfilled. He's become way more balanced though...because a lot of his stuff was escape into those things, avoidance of the world.

I think that with anything...whether it be introversion, art, or for me...giving...there are always multiple driving factors. I don't think that there can ever be a "pure" reason that we do anything. Especially people with our backgrounds. EVERYTHING got turned into a defense mechanism, a way to survive. So...maybe we are naturally introverted, but natural introverts who aren't taught how to foster that, or use it to their advantage, often develop SA and end up spending six months in their garage creating amazing music and not speaking to another soul, including their son.  I am a giver and a helper. That was the first thing my dad recently said about me in terms of how he remembered me as a little kid. Except, a giver and a helper who is abused turns into a Fawn...and then ends up Freezing and Collapsing because she's given so much of herself to the world in an effort to be loved and accepted that she doesn't have anything left to give. That doesn't mean that I don't truly get pleasure out of giving and helping.

So now...I examine my motivations for almost everything I do. Do I want to help this person because I want them to like me? Because I'm trying to "take over" from them and keep them from a learning experience that they need? Or because I really and truly just want to help? Am I not going to that party because I'm afraid? Or because I'd truly just rather be more comfortable at home, snuggled up with my honey, watching a movie?

For better or worse, we are not like other people, and since not a one of us had anyone around to show us what our strengths were, and only exploited our weaknesses (and as kids, our strengths were real easy to turn into weaknesses) it's up to us to learn what those are...or to root through our "stuff" and untangle it from the crappy motivations.

All of that being said...
I am absolutely sure that without family and friend obligations, boyfriend and I would disappear into the woods never to be seen again.