Dissociating who I am?

[PeTe]

I dissociate feelings, being in my head, as I think of it. I forget stuff big and small. Somehow I don't feel like a have a sense of self - like who am I? Where others have constructed an identitiy/story about themselves, I seem to shy away from that. I think it's both because showing emotions and asserting myself could cause my mother to descend into crying and threatening to end her life and because I was bullied, and showing emotions or asserting myself would lead to bullying episodes. In both cases it was too dangerous to just be me.

I have several hobbies, but I don't like make a story out of it, and say this is who I am. I am very relativistic about other people's behaviour - rarely judging something as bad or good. I forget stuff I've done, sometimes I can remember it if I'm talking to friends, but it almost never just pops up, so that I can mention it. I have a hard time introducing topics in conversations, and I guess I think my interests aren't interesting to others. I forget stuff other people have said or done, so it's hard for me to pick up on that in a later conversation. Often, either I'm alone, being with people I know or especially approaching people I don't know, my head just feels blank - there are no thoughts I can pick up, other than me feeling my head is empty and feeling stressed.

In a way, it's hard for me to say if all this is dissociation - clearly some of it is - or I'm being overly cautious in contact with others. I'm guessing feeling "blank" is not normal, if people say they're thinking of nothing, I imagine their thoughts drift. Also, it's hard for me to know what is my personality, and what are my issues. What I'm wondering, is it common to dissociate so much that you lose the sense of who you are?

[AphoticAtramentous]

I really understand how you feel there, PeTe. I feel very much the same way a lot of the time. "Who am I" is something I ask myself quite frequently. I'm certain it's another symptom of CPTSD - as you said, a lot of us have had to wear constant masks and change who we are to adapt to different circumstances in our past. And all of that constant identity switching takes its toll I suppose. And it's very similar to Dissociative Identity Disorder I think, feeling blank or like you're not even present in your own body.
I'd say for us it could be quite common.

[PeTe]

Yeah, Aphotic Atramentous, wearing masks, adapting to the situation - in effect hiding myself, it's not something that builds a sense of self. I wonder if my childhood coud have been more traumatising than I've thought, and that I can't really remember a time before being traumatised.

The not having a sense of who I am makes a lot of things so confusing, and I doubt myself to a high degree - my feelings, my opinions, others reactions, do I remember correctly etc. It's har to stay real, I guess It could have been a long post, but I really have to go now, have a plane to catch, and have done too much procrastination today.

[Resca]

This hits home pretty hard for me, and I agree that it's got to be another symptom. I've tried to explain this lack of identity and self to a few of the "well-adjusted" people in my life and they truly don't understand. They have hobbies, memories, personal narratives, traditions that make up who they are. It's not that I don't have a few hobbies or things that make me happy, but none of those things really feel like "me." It's like being a blank canvas but nothing sticks.

AphoticAtramenous - You make a really good point that this may stem from having to put on so many different masks to adapt to different circumstances. I never thought of it that way before but I have to agree. All the same, I wonder: can people like us ever find a way to make something stick? To feel at home with ourselves? I worry sometimes that it won't happen because I never learned how to "be myself, so to speak. Or maybe it's just that I unlearned it and I don't know how to get it back. Blerrgg it's such a heavy question.

[PeTe]

Resca, thank you for sharing your thoughts. It made me wonder why I distance myself from some of the good things I do in life, which seems really counter-intuitive. It's like I will avoid having an identity because it's painful if it's attacked. It's easier to compartmentalise it. I'm wondering in a bit distanced way, of course. Actually, now some sadness penetrated my distanced take on it. I'm writing it down as progress.

[Resca]

It's like I will avoid having an identity because it's painful if it's attacked. It's easier to compartmentalise it. I'm wondering in a bit distanced way, of course. Actually, now some sadness penetrated my distanced take on it. I'm writing it down as progress.

I agree with your assessment 100%, PeTe. It's kind of funny because dissociation can actually be a really good way to protect ourselves from the negative words and actions aimed at us but eventually, it becomes a habit and we end up using it against ourselves more often than not. And it is definitely counterintuitive.

The way I see it, any emotion is better than nothing. Maybe being sad and confused about it is the first step to breaking the habit. One tick in the progress box for us both

[PeTe]

Reading that really moved me, Resca. Probably because I'm not used to treating myself with too much understanding and compassion. To break out from my reluctance to put myself out there, and because I mean it - I'm sending a lot of love and understanding your way! I hope you'll be able to find a way to be more yourself, and feel confident that that's who you are. If it's any help in your identity work, I'd say you care about others and are smart!

[BlancaLap]

It is normal and it happens to me. A lot of people herr can relate to your post so don't feel alone. It is normal and you can beat it, so good luck!

[BlancaLap]

And I'm so sorry that happened to you... I was bullied to and my mother... well, when one time when I was sad she told me something like: "I wish I was dead"... so I can relate to you

[Resca]

Reading that really moved me, Resca. Probably because I'm not used to treating myself with too much understanding and compassion. To break out from my reluctance to put myself out there, and because I mean it - I'm sending a lot of love and understanding your way! I hope you'll be able to find a way to be more yourself, and feel confident that that's who you are. If it's any help in your identity work, I'd say you care about others and are smart!

Thanks very much, PeTe It does help. And I hope you know that you aren't alone in that particularly deficiency. Being compassionate toward others is way easier than being compassionate toward yourself. So if you ever need a boost, let me know, and maybe someday all the love and support will start to really sink in.

[PeTe]

Thanks BlancaLap! I'm sorty to hear that. Sounds like a terrible guilt trip.