Most painful EF in months ó uncontrable crying, exhaustion and intense shame.

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DecimalRocket

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Iím exhausted. Utterly exhausted. Iíd let myself just pass out if I wasnít so in need of support here. I even feel feverish but I hope thatís just the fatigue.

I just recently found out about CPTSD. I was scrolling through some trauma stories and treatments on the internet. And as I read, I found that I related to many of these stories. How people tended to blame themselves. How they were given unnecessary burdens as a child. 

I was validated. It wasnít my fault like I thought all these years. I wasnít born weak. I realized how unhealthy my own toxic shame and lack of self-respect was all these years.

But the flashbacks came with a violent revenge. I felt the distrust and loneliness I had as a child. And I suddenly doubted everything here. My thoughts would cry out that I deserved no kindness. No support. No acceptance.

Memories of many people who listened to my  problems flashed through my mind. And I realized with shame how stupid I must have looked. How damn weak I looked more than I even thought.

Realizing how much the damage happened because of my abuser made me had a newfound anger for her. I didnít know that some of the ďnormalĒ things my M did were actually downright abusive. I grieved for the life I lived. The life I could have lived.

But I was angrier at myself than everything else most. How could I have not realized it? How could I be so blind as to not realize something this significant all these years? What a pathetic human being I thought. Flashbacks at my fear of not knowing came. I placed an obsessive importance to self awareness and knowledge ó because if I didnít have these, life would become dangerous in some way.

 I relived this. I relived it in crying. I relived it in moaning through my tears. I relived it when snot was coming throughout my nose. I relived it when I was curled up hugging a pillow and shaking uncontrollably. I relieved it when I was hitting my head with a folder. I relived it when I suddenly became quiet, my eyes were dry and I just stopped moving at all.

I feel some relief now that itís gone. But Iím still exhausted. My whole body is tense and aching in some way.

Sigh.

Iíll just . . . rest.


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Three Roses

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Grieving and anger are important processes in our healing journeys. I still haven't been able to find mine but I know they are there. I see glimpses of them now and again. Glad you have been able to touch on this in your recovery work.
 :heythere:

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AncientSoul

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DecimalRocket:

Welcome, and if I may say, don't be ashamed. Let it out. This is a very good place to release your thoughts and get in touch with feelings. It does feel good to say the things on your mind that you felt, but didn't want to face with anyone.

As you move forward and keep reading the helpful resources about CPTSD, there may be many revelations you discover. It is an ongoing process and I've found the best parts are within ourselves. We are/were victims through no fault of our own. That's my opinion and directed at myself, but I think it may well apply to all of us here.

Happy that you found this place to learn to set yourself free.

AncientSoul