Others who's core trauma was in first year or two of life? (Trigger warning?)

[Jdog]

Checkach-

Welcome to our forum.  I am sorry that not only did so much happen to you early in life but that you seem to recall it so vividly.  You will find much support here.  I hope that you also have support in the real world, whether that's in the form of family and friends or a therapist, or all of the above, 

Thanks for writing.

[RiverRabbit]

My primary care giver (my NPD mother) was my first and main abuser... mostly neglect and emotional abuse.  The physical abuse was from most adult female family members on my mother's side (grandmother, aunt, older cousins, etc.).  The men tended to be alcoholics and were simply checked out.

Some of my emotional flashbacks are very hard to pin-point the source of.

I just had one this weekend... likely triggered by a very rare call from my mother, whom I have cut off contact with... mostly.  I can't seem to close the door completely.

I was fine the day of the call and pretty good for a few days, but this weekend, I just emotionally crashed and dissociated from myself.

She had called me to inform me of my uncle's death (on my dad's side... the more sane side)... I was numb about this news... still am... also numb about my grandmother's death a few months ago (also dad's side... this leaves only my dad for that extended family).  His role is the peacemaker and enabler of my NPD mom... so I can't really keep in communication with him either.

I attributed the numbness to having my guard up with having to talk to her after almost 2 years since our last conversation.  And maybe it was anxiety from not feeling anything about these rare family members who were not abusers... I should feel something, right?

So this weekend I jut had this overwhelming sense of sadness... but I could not pin it down to anything in particular that I was sad about.  I told my wife it is just really hard to have a mother who never loved me, and can never love me.

Not sure if this helps... just that I identify with having faceless "moods" probably springing from emotional trauma from before the age of 3.

[Hope67]

Hi RiverRabbit,
I just wanted to say that I read what you wrote here, and I relate to what you're saying - and I hope you will find some support here - in this forum - I think emotional trauma from such a young age, it's tough to process - and I wish I had more words right now, because I am not sure what else to say right now.  I do relate also to what you said about finding it difficult to pin-point the source of flashbacks or feelings - I do that as well.
Hope 

[Libby183]

Hi River Rabbit.

I think that your reference to "faceless moods" is a really apt expression. The EFs seem, for me, to be linked to particularly traumatic early childhood events, but the rest of the time, I too have these faceless moods. For me, this reflects the utter emptiness of never having any love, or anything positive from my mother, from the day of my birth. This was always quite freely admitted by her, and she couldn't see how it could possibly have had any detrimental effect on me, as she fed and clothed me. This has damaged me to the very core of my being, so I understand your thoughts entirely.

Having a mother who never loved you isn't something that can be got over, I don't believe, but we can learn to mitigate its effects.

Take care,

Libby.

[Confused75]

Yes, I grew up with an alcoholic father and a drug addict mother knowing that I was a revenge baby and wasn't wanted. My mom went off birth control without telling my dad and got pregnant. When she told him she was pregnant he wasn't happy so she tried to abort me with home abortion tips, they didn't work obviously. Anyway she had me but I wasn't wanted so they started neglecting me, they wouldn't pick me up if I was crying and they prided themselves on the fact that they could leave me alone for hours at a time in a swing or laying on the floor and I wouldn't make a sound. They told me that "once I learned my place and how to shut up I was an easy baby to care for". At 6 weeks old my mom went back to work and I was bounced around between my grandma's house and my aunt's house. My parents really didn't raise me and I never really had a home or a primary caregiver. My grandma and aunt told me that as a baby I would rarely smile or coo, I shrank away from touch, and would just sit quietly without making much if any noise (no I am not autistic).
Sorry for the brief overview it's all I can manage right now.   

[maricelt]

I can relate to this. It is hard for me, because I try to look for the rational, the reasonable. And without any memory I doubt. But it's like looking at fossils. Inside a rock you can find the impression of leaves, animals, tracks. The actual plant, the animal that lived or traveled in that primordial mud is long gone. But there is an impression of it left. A trace of its existence. A fact.

I can't deny that I have CPTSD, because I can line up all the symptoms, all the problems, all the losses and deficits and tick them off like a list. But without any memory of that earliest abuse/neglect I think could it really have happened? But the shadow impressions are there in the rock. Indelible, immutable and unarguable.

I wish I had the memories. Because then I would have something I could fight.

[Jdog]

Maricelt-

I absolutely understand and echo what you are saying about wishing for more than shadows to fight.  It's very tough to have been abused before words could be formed.

[Sasha]

It has been so incredibly valuable to me to read all of these entries. Thank you to everyone for sharing.

I am learning that I have been quite dramatically affected by neglect and abandonment in my very early years, potentially from when I was a baby.

My mother recently admitted that she used to take drugs to escape whilst in the same room as as me when I was a baby because she 'couldn't deal with it' ... I don't know if that means me crying, or maybe my need for her brought up some sort of dissociation, as she was abandoned during her childhood a number of times.

Some body work I did with a therapist included her asking me to recall a form of violent abuse that happened to me regularly, that has no particular start date. I became paralysed with fear and she tried to help me work through it by rubbing my hands against my arms. I almost fell asleep, my arms and legs went numb and I couldn't talk properly for about 5-10 minutes. She held my hands until I could sense touch again and once I had regained physical sensation, I cried. She believed that this indicated a strong likelihood that abuse had begun in infancy. Whether this would be neglect or violence I am not sure.

Some things that I think might be related to early years neglect/abandonment are:
- My main trigger response is freeze.
- I have spent my life trying to make cosy safe spaces, with warm blankets, soft bed, snug.
- I can viscerally remember the smell of my mother's skin, and even the taste. It feels like a sad memory. Perhaps I craved it.
- When I think of myself as a baby I feel uncomfortable, sad and often feel like crying

[cgl77]

This is an old thread and I apologize for the late contribution.  Its for myself mostly.
I was not wanted by my father, and apparently there was much conflict and stress while i was in utero because I was a surprize sprung on my father.   My mother told me he refused to ackowledge me, touch me or pick me up when I was a baby.  She also told me she was suicidal (and obviously depressed) when i was in my first year and was threatening divorce.  My father was institutionalized for a breakdown around that time. 
Mom also left my sister and I alone for hours when she left the house to drive who knew where.  Often when my father got home from work he had to change my diapers, and I can only imagine the resentment he felt (and transmitted to me) while he did this.  At least once the police were called when my sister was wandering the yard naked, in the snow, when she was 3 (and I would have been just a few months old).   I remember being locked in my room in my crib for the afternoon nap that lasted for hours and no matter how much I cried out mom didn't come.  Was she even in the house?  I'll never know.  I also never spoke until I was 3 years old.
Both parents were completely self absorbed and neglecting.  My sister got some attention from my father but me, none except anger and slapping.  I was never considered interesting enough to bother with by my father, and only if I was cute or sad enough to entertain her  was my mother good for more than a few moments attention.
I have never had a deep sense of safety anywhere or with anyone, and it is still a struggle 60 years later.
Thank you for the space to vent a little.

[woodsgnome]

This first comment is not specific to the thread, as I did contribute to it earlier.

I'd just like to mention there's no need to apologize for responding to old threads. People come and go regularly on this forum, and many 'older' posts newcomers might find relevant and wish to add commentary. In part I surmise that's why the old material is archived (thanks, administrators, for doing this!). Another reason I mention this is there's loads of material from even a few years ago that is still as useful as when originally posted.
---
If it's alright, cgl77, I'd like to offer this --  I also relate to what you noted about the unsafe feelings lingering for so long after the initial abuse/abandonment incidents. Though I'm sure it felt awful to write about, I hope that you also derived some small sense of relief just for having found this way to vent.

It's very hard to find people who can truly empathize with what you described. The feelings can destroy our trust in people, as you point out. At least here, cgl77, you are not alone in your sadness from things that were senseless and not your fault.   

[Three Roses]

I would like to add my if it's okay, cgl. You're valued here.

[cgl77]

Thank you both for the    it feels great!
I was diagnosed with major depression 25 years ago and have had several good therapists, two of whom suggested there may be PTSD.  Like many, I partially dismissed that as improbable because 'no single horrific event or wartime episodes occurred so how could it be PTSD.'   Then suddenly last April the veil tore and it has been flooding out ever since.  I had done an admirable job of suppressing!  I feel lousy now, and look longingly at the TV adds where people my age are depicted riding Harleys along the coast or traveling the world or hugging grandkids and I just feel like crap.  Dealing with SI is a daily event.  I feel panic when this feels like the 'new normal'.  I am so grateful to my dogs and a few  kind people, plus a good therapist, for staying with me while I wade through the #$*&!   

[bluepalm]

Woodsgnome thank you for your comment about not apologising for responding to old threads. Our shared experiences, whenever we write about them, remain those experiences and remain highly relevant to our journey of understanding.

cg177, I, for one, have been helped and prompted to respond by reading what you wrote.

I'm in my early 70s and share your experience of a father and mother by whom I was abandoned from the start - a father who did not touch me except to beat me or talk to me except to demean me; a mother who lashed out at me at random, routinely left me 'to cry it out' on my own and once confessed that she used to go shopping all day and forget she had a baby and then come home at night and find I was still there in the cot.

Recently I had a full day and night of being caught in a terrifying state of pleading panic and disintegration where all I could do was cry and say 'please', pleading uselessly into a void. I think I was caught in that timeless panic of so many years ago. I too, after all these years "have never had a deep sense of safety anywhere or with anyone".

What extreme cruelty to cause such profound damage to a helpless human being!

So thank you for sharing. My heart goes out to you because I sense we share similar experiences.

[cgl77]

Its worth noting, bluepalm, that the neglect we're talking about from decades ago would land mom in jail today, as it should.  I know I have minimized to myself the extent of the neglect and abuse and that just doesn't work.  My family appeared to be a healthy, all american middle class nuclear family with enough food, clothing and shelter provided.  My parents considered that to be all that was necessary for parenting.  Of course, the real damage being done wasn't visible to outsiders and that's part of what made it so insidious.

[saylor]

Your (pl) stories made me weep. I understand the feeling, as my history is very similar, and I've also been carrying this around for decades. No matter how I try to analyze it, it all seems so senseless.
I wish there were a way to ensure that only people who really wanted to be good (enough) parents reproduced. So much damage and pain could be averted