Others who's core trauma was in first year or two of life? (Trigger warning?)

[K9 2]

I firmly believe core trauma can develop in early childhood life. I was born to a Heroin addict father and a toxic, neglectful, and unstable mother. Neither parent wanted me and they debated having me aborted (as I was told). When I was one month old I was hospitalized for an unknown reason and diagnosed with "Independent Baby Syndrome". This syndrome is indicative of an infant the becomes rigid and shakes when cuddled. This occurs because parental embracement and nurturing did not occur and when someone embraces the baby they reject it in this form due to the foreign feeling.
At the ripe age of two I was formally abandoned by both parents with reoccurring returns and re-abandonments. Aside from the abandonment, my parents were very physically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually abusive to one another and to me. I lived in a constant state of fear and isolation, never knowing where I would be living or with whom. In addition to the aforementioned scenarios, our home was full of drugs, weapons, frequent return guests (drugs), filth, caged snakes, lack of heat or air, and lack of food. Not to mention I was not allowed to express any emotions, especially crying, or things would become very violent and things would be destroyed in front of me.  All of this was my life before age five, when it worsened.
My core trauma occurred before age five and firmly lives within me. Unfortunately this isn't the entire core, there is a lot I left out. I am glad you all are here, but hate that you have experienced trauma.

[Blueberry]

That sounds horrendous, K92.  I'm glad you found us and hope that being here helps you heal, as much as possible. 

[Andyman73]

K9 2, I'm glad you found this place. Hope hugs are okay for you. 

[K9 2]

K9 2, I'm glad you found this place. Hope hugs are okay for you. 

I love hugs!!!!! Thank you!

[Andyman73]

:

K9 2, I'm glad you found this place. Hope hugs are okay for you. 

I love hugs!!!!! Thank you!

Here's a few more for you! 

Andly

[PaperClip]

There was a couple years in my early teens when she was honest about some things.  And there things I heard others say to me in private, but I didn't know how to connect when they said them or what to think. 

"She never let us play with you or hold you," she said with a bewildered look on her face. "One time you were in the crib and she was taking a nap.  I snuck in to pick you up, but before I could hold you she came into the room and took you away and put you back in the crib."  grandm

"You were always happiest alone.  I would fashion a pallet (blanket) on the floor and set you there and you were very content all by yourself."  her

"Your brother was so difficult for me, but you were a very quiet child."  her

"Your m was always so 'business-like'.  When you were a baby, she never let anyone else handle you." (Very aged grandmother trying to describe my mother's lack of emotions.

"We saw your brother playing with the neighbor child and that kid was so terrible.  We didn't want your brother to be spoiled like that so your father decided another was necessary.  I didn't want another child after your brother being so difficult, but your father insisted.  I finally agreed provided he buy me a washer and a dryer." 

My brother couldn't take the best and formula wasn't produce at that time.  My mother finally found goat milk for him.  According to her this was a horrible experience for her she she would say in brief. 

My brother is a psychopath - inability to emote or has a delayed emotional response.  He's a suit and tie type of psychopath.  Everybody likes him (but he doesn't like everyone else unless they are part of his plan.)   I imagine that my bro was probably allergic to our m, not the breast milk and his psychopathy was a result of trauma. 

Based on my mother's brief guilt behavior when I joked about me being fat because I was starved in the womb, I have reason to believe she attempted to self-abort through starvation.  I was only joking around with her at the time, but she suddenly became very guilt-ridden in her behavior.   I weighed only 4lb 2oz when I was born.   

I have a scar on my upper lip.  I have scar on my tongue that looks as if it was nearly bitten in two at a very early age.  I do not know what happened.  I do know that my mother's story did not match up to her face when she told me.  Again, she had a look of horrific guilt on her face while telling me this. 

She was never openly violent but inwardly she was the most hateful person I have ever known and very sadistic emotionally and mentally.

"I can do whatever I want as long as I tell people what I'm going to do."  her talking about mind games.  She really believes this. 

[sanmagic7]

k9 and paperclip, these stories reinforce to me why it's so difficult for anyone not familiar with such trauma at such an early age to even begin to understand what it means for us to be struggling with the invisible wounds we carry.  how could anyone comprehend this and what it does to the human brain, psyche, and spirit?

that you have survived, that we here have all survived to this point is nothing short of a miracle.  so very glad you're here.  this is indeed a very special community composed of very special people.  i'm so grateful for you all.   love all around.

[PaperClip]

  love all around.

Right back atcha, you survivor you.  No more alonies.

[Gwyon]

A big yes to this sanmagic:

that you have survived, that we here have all survived to this point is nothing short of a miracle.  so very glad you're here.  this is indeed a very special community

[Gwyon]

it's so difficult for anyone not familiar with such trauma at such an early age to even begin to understand what it means for us to be struggling with the invisible wounds we carry. 

This has often been a source of bitterness in me... that so many others take for granted, like the oxygen they breath, their inner sense of security --something we have to build for ourselves through long years of struggle. Then at other times I can simply accept and forgive, and be thankful for the empathy and compassion that my journey has given me.

[ah]

it's so difficult for anyone not familiar with such trauma at such an early age to even begin to understand what it means for us to be struggling with the invisible wounds we carry. 

This has often been a source of bitterness in me... that so many others take for granted, like the oxygen they breath, their inner sense of security --something we have to build for ourselves through long years of struggle. Then at other times I can simply accept and forgive, and be thankful for the empathy and compassion that my journey has given me.

It really feels that way, as though people take the oxygen that they breathe for granted and can't imagine being alive without it. I keep trying to remind myself that it's a blind spot most people have, they can't imagine things that are far beyond their own experiences, things that scare them and would shatter their safe worldview.
It does feel very lonely though. I live without any oxygen, and if I don't hide it from others, I'm blamed for it. Often I'm offered advice  well intentioned, naive, clueless advice from people who haven't met evil and can't imagine it.

[Rowan]

Personally, this is my suspicion as well - I was a month premature, and had no sucking reflex (one of the odd things about fetal development - there is a time when we cant feed...), it also transpired that I had issues with formula and ended up on soy or goats milk dependant on what was available...

My m returned to work early, and I was in the 'hands' of a childcare lady, who, amongst other things forced the adoption of using my right hand (yes, by binding), as I was apparently showing signs of being a leftie, and she didn't approve. I have no memories of this time at all. All of this is of course thrown back at me by my f, as 'of course I love you, i taught you to feed' as a precursor to the next round of verbal assault.

It's a mess, horrible and complex, and nasty - enmeshed within my FOO.

Rowan

[Blueberry]

  to you Rowan.

[Andyman73]

Rowan,
You are amazing and wonderful just as you are. Leftie rightie or bothie, like me. Safe hugs if okay...

Andy

[solongStockholm]

  Me. for sure.

Intuitively I've known it for some time. Through deduction from conversations I've had with my mom, I verified it. Finally, last year my therapist confirmed that I had an attachment disorder...still do but much better today than ever. Intuitively, I know it was as an infant....I saw it when I watched my mother fumble through grandmother-hood with my daughter when she was infant. I had the most intense trigger to watching my mom coldly handle my daughter when she was about 6 weeks old. I can vividly remember my daughter acting colicky and my mom just laying her on her back and repeatedly plugging the pacifier in and out of her mouth with a disinterested expression on her face as my daughter lay screaming and staring at the ceiling. I remember this overpowering urge to swoop in and "save" my daughter (MYSELF) from my mother. At that point, I confirmed for myself that the trauma began at infancy. My mother has not one nurturing bone in her body.

My parents RARELY spoke about me positively. I was told that I was a "good baby" and my parents joked that once I started talking I "never shut up". Nice.

How did it impact me? Anxiety, depression, internalized self-hatred, low self-esteem, co-dependency, low expectations of myself, etc. etc. The only therapy that has led to significant improvement is attachment-based therapy.