Others who's core trauma was in first year or two of life? (Trigger warning?)

[Gromit]

SolongStockholm my T thinks I may have attachment disorder too, but I don't think so, more just C-PTSD as I do have empathy. As you can see from my earlier post, seeing my mother with my infant son, she had no idea how to soothe a baby.
G

[Jenny Blount]

Definitely
And I didn't know it until (at age 30) my mother told me I'd always been difficult

'You were always difficult. You were difficult as a baby. I had to hit you to make you cry so that you'd fall sleep' (elegant piece of victim blaming!)

I remember her taking my head, taking my brother's head and crashing them together. I was only a toddler and my brother was younger but I still feel the dizziness and recoil. I remember blood from a head wound. I think she pushed me into a wall.

I remember learning from the earliest age possible that it's just not worth going to mum. It's not gonna work. No nurture, no comfort, no warmth. She needs you to be good, don't ask for anything. Have no needs.
That and other things......
So, yes, years later the nightmares, the phobias, the hypervigilence, the eating disorders, the inability to form intimate relationships ....
And then the self doubt, because it was all so early
They really stitched me up.

[Hope67]

***Trigger warning - mentioning physical violence here ***
Jenny Blount - I am so sorry you have experienced those things - no one should have to experience that.  My M used to do that with my sister's head against a wall on an almost daily basis, and would joke about 'banging your head's together' - I don't know if she ever did that to me, as I don't have any recollection of it, but my sister has told me that she suffered a lot of damage to her head as a result of this horrific treatment. 

to you, if that's ok and wishing it had been different for us all.
Hope 

[Eljay]

Thank you to all of you for sharing your stories. It has provided me with a sense of sanity and somehow a sense of connection to others ( even though I've not met any of you)
Neglect in the womb and as an infant, and childhood also set up foundations for me that have made my life a difficult one to navigate.
I have memories of complete terror and fear, powerlessness and exhaustion as well as despair from infant neglect. These themes have shaped all my choices and I have been sorting through these themes and attempting to re wire my brain and heal those split and broken parts of myself. Unfortunately my choices from  a damaged perspective, created even more neglectful and abusive scenarios my whole life, until I started to delve very deep into myself and find self compassion and self love.
Now I experienced overwhelm and exhaustion and isolation when I am triggered. I cannot work very much and I haven't had a relationship for 10 years. The triggers can be like popcorn at times and I feel like my brain is exploding. But I am proud of myself for surviving and having the courage to keep going and believing in myself despite my darkest moments.
Thank you and I am sorry you all carry the deep wounds also. 💓

[Blueberry]

(Welcome to OOTS, Eljay  )

[Rowan]

Double post in the main... 



I was reminded of this by my dear partner, who reminded me that I'd been a difficult baby.

Thanks for all the lovely hugs, trying desperately to learn how to make that translate into warm'n'fuzzies

Rowan

[Jenny Blount]

Hey guys,
Humbled by your responses
Thank you

'Come sit beside me' I said to myself, and
(although it doesn't make sense)
I held my own hand, as a small sign of trust
And together I sat on the fence.

I've always loved that ditty, says it all really!

[Hope67]

Hi Jenny Blount,
I think that poem is lovely - and it made me think of something I recently saw on a u-tube video about actually hugging oneself - i.e. putting arms around oneself with compassion and I have tried it, and it has been helpful in grounding me when I feel anxious or upset. 
Hope 

[Andyman73]

I know about head banging togehter too. Worst concussion I've experienced to date, was from M crashing my twin-brother's head and mine, together.  Knocked me out, head hit floor for 2X damage...TBI. Was not right for at least 2 weeks afterwards. This was maybe about 6-12 months after my first, a playground accident, that caused bl**ding from my R ear and broke R collarbone too. The known effects from that one lasted about a 7-10 days.  Ended up with 50% hearing loss from that ear. Was maybe 6-7 years old. I remember after regaining conciousness, having to hold on to grocery cart, to stay on my feet. Oh, didn't I say? She did this in a grocery store, left us laying on the floor and went on shopping. I had OOBE then, remember seeing myself lying on floor, not moving. Then walking behind myself once on my feet again.

AFter that is when Things in my head were no longer same as they had been. Like add symptoms and more.

[Stepone]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and it broke my heart to hear your stories - what you have suffered when you were tiny babies, it makes me so sad and angry. I don't think ''regular people'' have any idea of this level of suffering. I haven't had such an extreme experience as many of you, but I know I suffered very early emotional neglect. I think I first started battling depression around the age of 2, by 6 it was part of my identity. My mother was chronically depressed, father abusive alcoholic (also chronically depressed). I remember long, dark, lonely and quiet days at home with my mother. She went through the motions and did her best to keep me clean and fed. But I always had a feeling I was dead, or a ghost. A death in my soul; but not a peaceful death, a panicked, overwhelmed death-like feeling. Time stood still, the days were so long, inescapable, slow pain.  Life already feels far too long and I'm only 38. An extreme emptiness and lack of connection to life, that's how I've always felt. I started to hate myself very young (by 4 I think I had BDD, I was disgusted by my face and appearance). I remember trying to wash the freckles off my face. I felt so ugly and that I was a horrible girl. There was no sexual abuse but I think the lack of mirroring, attachment, attunement etc was what caused the depression & toxic shame. The abuse came later. I still struggle every day to try to connect with life, how to live when you never even had a ''Square one?'' how do you build a life and live among other humans who you really have such little shared experience with. Big hugs to everyone here and I'm thankful to join this community.

[Andyman73]

Hi Stepone,
Firstly, you never ever were ugly or horrible, not then and not now. Okay? You are beautiful. And wonderful. And worthy. And deserving. As are we all. Yes, I understand you don't feel it. Most of us here don't either. Takes a long time to get there.  Here you will  be welcomed and accepted as you are. WE're all friends here.

[Jdog]

I can relate to some of these sad stories as well.  I am an only child and came from a situation with a father who had been very traumatized as a child and did not really want to be my Dad.  He wanted a boy, not a girl, and I am sure there is much from my first two years which I will never remember.  What I do know is that the stress in our home gave me severe cholic which caused me to cry in pain.  This apparently embarrassed my Father and he made our little family move somewhere that there were no near neighbors so I would not bother people.  He had lots of stress in his job and brought it home with him.  Mom tried to protect me from his moods and anger, and mostly did so.  However, we had a home invasion when I was a baby and my "protector" ran from the home to get help from down the road.  I was upstairs and the intruder was downstairs.  It was the only time I didn't cry upon waking from a nap, so clearly I felt the danger.

On top of these dynamics, my Dad teased me all the time and made it clear that he considered me to be of equal status with his pet dog, who used to bite me.  Anyway, he was not a horrible person but really not Father material.  When he died, I felt nothing about the loss for many years.  When my Mom died, years and years later (I was in my 50's), my entire life fell apart.  I finally had to confront my demons and codependency. 

I am still daily working on overcoming codependency, anxiety, and depression,  it was a gift to  discover this site 4 years ago.  I appreciate the hard work that everyone here puts into their healing.  Y

[Stepone]

Hi Andyman73, thank you so much for your kind words - they bought many tears and really touched me - I hope you also know that you are wonderful and  that you have made a new person feel very welcome and safe, thank you
And Jdog, I'm so sorry your father treated you so horribly, my father also wanted a boy and was very disappointed to see I was a girl. He was present in the delivery room and has told me (''jokingly'') of his disappointment at that time. He also couldn't deal with his job stress and drank heavily and was angry/abusive throughout my childhood. I'm 38 now and they are still alive, I wonder also how I will feel when they pass away. Take good care and I hope you know that you deserved so much better.

[Andyman73]

Hi Andyman73, thank you so much for your kind words - they bought many tears and really touched me - I hope you also know that you are wonderful and  that you have made a new person feel very welcome and safe, thank you
And Jdog, I'm so sorry your father treated you so horribly, my father also wanted a boy and was very disappointed to see I was a girl. He was present in the delivery room and has told me (''jokingly'') of his disappointment at that time. He also couldn't deal with his job stress and drank heavily and was angry/abusive throughout my childhood. I'm 38 now and they are still alive, I wonder also how I will feel when they pass away. Take good care and I hope you know that you deserved so much better.

Hi Stepone  You're quite welcome!
Ya makin me blush!  Thank you for saying that. I know how hard it is to feel belonging anywhere. As most of us do, I'm sure. For me, it was a huge struggle to even feel worthy of any online survivor community. One thing I do to help myself, is to warmly welcome new members whenever I can. We all need to stick together. Nobody knows like we know. I'm honored to have made you feel welcomed and safe. 

[Checkach]

** TW**. I am sure my trauma started immediately after birth. I was given up for adoption at birth and spent 8 months in an orphanage (yes, in the US).  My adopted mother said I hadn't been held and had never seen solid food.  When I had kids, it always struck me when they were that age how much love, nurturing and teaching we had been through, and I can't imagine not having it (although the cptsd won't let me escape it). Now if only my adopted family (my FOO) hadn't ignored, ridiculed and let me know how worthless I was, along with physical abuse, ignoring the sexual abuse by a neighbor starting when I was three, I would definitely say the first 8 months were my core trauma. But who knows?