Flashbacks triggered by mother- detaching HELP

[Aquarius89]

Hi, this is my first post/ I am new to this forum. Apologies in advance if I post this in the wrong section, not super tech savvy.

I have complex ptsd due to childhood trauma, mostly stemming from domestic abuse/ neglect and my mother using me as HER mother! Its so i grained in me...that I must protect her/ look after her...diffuse her. I feel triggered into a flashback, whenever she says/ texts me anything that is negative....which is often, as she is simply a toxic person. I know I need to cut her out of my life, but that would mean also cutting out my sisters...as they live with her and are young. I am constantly on alert, heart beating just feeling sick to my stomach when she vents to me about her relationship with her husband/ children...life etc. I worry that she will be attacked by her husband, I worry my sisters will witness it (this is unlikely to occur realistically...but this is where my mind goes)... both parents are toxic and awful to each other. I dont know how to minimize contact without detaching from the whole family...which would be painful. If yoy have any advice or similar experiences please share. Lots of love to you all.

[sanmagic7]

welcome, aquarius - so very glad you're here.

is there any way you can go low contact with your mother?  i'm thinking like not answering every email/text, or not even reading them unless you're in a good enough place to do so.  can you keep contact with her to a minimum so that you're still able to communicate with your sisters?

it's hard to break out of those caretaking roles we've been forced into.  maybe it will help to know that her relationship is her choice, that she is an adult, that she can decide for herself if she wants to stay or leave or anything in between.  it's not your responsibility anymore.

it's a tough one, for sure.  wishing you the best with this, and sending a hug if you want it. 

[Aquarius89]

Dear Sanmagic7,

Thank you for your advice, I will definitely take this on board and detach. I really appreciate your wise words. Thank you again, many blessings.

welcome, aquarius - so very glad you're here.

is there any way you can go low contact with your mother?  i'm thinking like not answering every email/text, or not even reading them unless you're in a good enough place to do so.  can you keep contact with her to a minimum so that you're still able to communicate with your sisters?

it's hard to break out of those caretaking roles we've been forced into.  maybe it will help to know that her relationship is her choice, that she is an adult, that she can decide for herself if she wants to stay or leave or anything in between.  it's not your responsibility anymore.

it's a tough one, for sure.  wishing you the best with this, and sending a hug if you want it.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome! Thanks for joining.

I agree with what San has suggested, and may I add that watching some videos on dealing with narcissists might help -

Richard Grannon https://youtu.be/kUFndhOdmjw

Lisa A Romano https://youtu.be/6TSh9zTHz2k

[Aquarius89]

Thank you so much! Those videos where incredibly helpful. 

[Resca]

Welcome, Aquarius!

Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I'm also starting the detachment process and it's definitely a painful thing. It requires being honest with yourself about your experiences and your pain, which is difficult for people like us who tend to dissociate and/or just try to stay out of the way. I am so sorry that you are going through this and that you have to worry about losing your sisters, as well; that added struggle can't be easy.

As hard as it is, just remember that you are doing this for you and that's so important. You had to mother your mother in the past, but now you have to mother yourself, and that's okay. Like Sam said, that relationship is not your responsibility anymore.

[Aquarius89]

Welcome, Aquarius!

Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I'm also starting the detachment process and it's definitely a painful thing. It requires being honest with yourself about your experiences and your pain, which is difficult for people like us who tend to dissociate and/or just try to stay out of the way. I am so sorry that you are going through this and that you have to worry about losing your sisters, as well; that added struggle can't be easy.

As hard as it is, just remember that you are doing this for you and that's so important. You had to mother your mother in the past, but now you have to mother yourself, and that's okay. Like Sam said, that relationship is not your responsibility anymore.

Thank you! I appreciate your kind words, and it really feels so good to talk to people who understand. A million thank you's, I wish you all the best in your healing process. Glad I joined this forum. 😊

[sanmagic7]

so are we.