DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks Hope. I was beginning to think no one responded because I was being too weird somehow.

I've been fighting deeply persistent inner and outer critics today, so even if I'm off from classes for the Christmas break, I'm feeling worn out.

I don't know why, but I miss it sometimes when my critics and EFs used to be stronger. When I was young, I remember consuming my thoughts with rage at people, grow myself a sense of terror or shame at myself as these were better than feeling numbed. I have enough willpower to stop this type of process now, but I still crave for it obsessively at times.

My curiosity was zipping around for much of the day, but my grieving for the times I was bullied as a kid and my guilt at bullying back those bullies must have broke my spirit now. But to be able to miss the worse, means that it has passed, for now at least.

I was wrong about one thing though — there's a little bit of wonder left — how interesting is it after all to yearn for something so damaging? I know the science of this — "The Body Keeps The Score" had brain scans remarking how brain scans of people with trauma could get addicted to their pain.

But I want to observe it with my own mind, my own way and in my own perspective.

Well, my life can be terrible, but it sure is interesting.

[Andyman73]

I hear you!!!!! I hear you, see you, believe you, stuff!!!
You not alone
you not invisible
not unwanted
wont be abandoned
Not stupid
So very very smart
Gladly be here and cheer you on, and maybe learn a little bit too...


Andy

[Three Roses]

  DR

[DecimalRocket]

Haha, Andy. That's the most enthusiastic form of support I've received here. I'm honestly somewhat embarrassed, but I appreciate it more than I'm overwhelmed by it.

Thanks 3Roses for the hugs. 

Sorry for the length . . .

I'm feeling overwhelmed by my own growing empathy made from practicing it by supporting others in this site, considering the feeling has been numbed in me after a long time of trauma.

Somehow through my reflection and work with my occupational therapist (for my social delay), I've come to understand that I don't just withdraw too much from trauma, but also because my lack of social skills in some areas makes me afraid of approaching people. I make up with my listening skills, a calm easygoing pesona and humor, but I still . . . lack in some areas.

I've made a mental list of the simple things — like how you're supposed to wave back at people when they wave at you, to not ask the same question over and over again, about how you're not supposed to reject a conversation by ignoring them or how if when someone sends you a message and you don't reply back means that they don't know if you read it.

Yes, I could use more common sense. I know.

I had a similar process the first few weeks I came to this site . . . It took . . . some time categorizing support in different processes — appreciation, validation, changing their beliefs, etc. and observing and researching how they're used. After many mental overloads, I got it somehow. I'm working on understanding people's specific personalities and tendencies now rather than as a group, and it's complicated.

Then there were the bigger things that were caused by the mix of trauma and my own inability to read people. For example — just because you're incredibly suspicious of everyone doesn't mean they're also deeply suspicious of you or just because you were secretly envious in the past doesn't mean you shouldn't share any form of happiness or achievement in fear of causing people envy.

Because rule 1 of empathy : If another person's intentions seem exactly the same as present or past you, then you're doing it wrong.

It was fascinating, but now my brain hurts from trying to practice by understanding people here on this forum and in real life . . I think I'll take a break by studying something that doesn't involve people, probably something sciency.

[Andyman73]

DR,
Okay, tone it down for you. 

I sure do understand what you're talking about. While some of the things I've always been okay with, like waving back in response  , other things not so much. I'm not good at starting conversations with strangers or people I barely know. And social settings with groups I barely know or not at all...fuhgettaboudit!!! Normally can't talk at all.  You're not alone in this, my friend.

Andy   

[ah]

Hi Rocket 

I'd like to add, if I may, a rule 2 of empathy to your (hopefully slowly growing) list of rules:
Other people are just as confused as I am.

The implications of this rule are all-encompassing. It means quite often when I'm unable to read things here on the forums it takes me time to answer, not because you're doing anything wrong but just because my pesky brain is leaking out of my ears and I'm struggling with my own pain and asking questions as you're asking your own  in my heart you're there because... well, because I like you, because you're a beautiful person and you've helped me so much here on the forums, and because I relate to you, and because your curiosity is so similar to mine so I feel close to you thanks to it. And because I know that feeling you describe, I get it every time I open a new book, that feeling that a universe just opened. It's the only thing I'm still happy about: understanding, knowing.

I do think though it can slow you down, too. I can't remember if I recommended it to you but I may have, there's an interesting book about how we humans think, that I've been reading called "Get out of your mind and into your life". The name is a bit cheesy but the book is anything but. It's thought provoking, describing a therapy called ACT, acceptance and commitment therapy.

Gets me scratching my head quite a lot, I catch myself reading a paragraph of it, then stopping to think.

As for rule 1 of empathy: I think... you can't do it wrong. You experiment, try, learn as you go along.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Blueberry]

DR, I read your posts quit often, as Mod I have to, but I can't always answer. If I answered everybody's posts all the time, I'd never finish modding for the day. Even emoticon is too much sometimes. It's not personal, but I have to keep an eye on my own recovery too! 

[sanmagic7]

standing right beside you, d.r. 

you're not weird, you're individual, as are we all. 

give yourself some time with the process, some patience.  it's ok, all of it, all of you.   

[DecimalRocket]

Thank you for all the support and time you've given me.. It's as if you guys were the family I never had.    I'm sorry for all the trouble with how much I need to be validated, even if it's the same thing said over and over. Do give time to yourselves as well.

.....

Ah, when you've called me a beautiful person, it left me in tears. Happy and grieving tears. My confidence around my emotional side is a lot more fragile than with my logical side, so it really touched me.

It got me thinking though — how curiosity compares to the idea of beauty. If curiosity allows an acceptance of whatever you happen to find out in your life, whether good or bad, because it's interested in all kinds of knowledge, then finding beauty in emotions allows an acceptance of the human range of feeling.  Maybe beauty is the emotional counterpart of interesting.

And when I look back at when I manage to accept myself, I find this concept.

Now, now, when do I find beauty in something? Often not as someone in solitude listening to his breathing in nature or scribbling down poems alone — I always found beauty when someone else was involved. Logic and analysis were deeply solitary to me, but beauty was something interpersonal.

So I looked for stories. Stories I related to. Stories who were bullied and were bullies back then. Stories of people who cringed and were ashamed at their regrets— especially social ones. Stories of people who were emotionally neglected. Stories upon stories upon stories.

Even those feel good stories and news — I've lived life trying to survive by confronting the ugly truths of the world, but to heal I had to be less rational for a bit and more of a dreamer. It's okay to rest in something that might not reveal insight logically now, but it could be something that could give you hope to keep going emotionally.

They say you understand your own feelings by looking inside, but I only understood them the most when I saw them in other people. I kept grieving in tears for a long time to the point of exhuastion, dizziness and headaches. then it happened.

I laughed. I thought it was funny how much I cared what other people thought.

Haha.

Hahaha.

HAHAHAHAHA!

I'm not alone anymore.

I'm not alone!

[Three Roses]

 You are not alone! 

[woodsgnome]

Oooh, wow--love your take on stories (in this journal and other posts of yours) and how you can take others as reference points for your own life's story pattern. It's what stories, whether fictional or real-life, are for--we might not personally feel a part of those 'other' stories, but in a universal sense we're joined as humans in ways we can't understand, but remain curious about (although even that can be threatened by the abuse/trauma many here know too well).

While I have difficulty with the people in my own life/story, if I can see past the pain obscuring the view, maybe in the form of stories, it can lessen the feeling of being so alone, too. It's tough, sometimes, which is why I need to qualify it as a maybe. If I can get out of my own way, I can find it in the other stories, and yes, even laugh my way to having understanding/compassion for myself in the process.

Odd--how our own story can get in the way of itself; then we find these others, and find...we're not alone. Hope you're alright with my butting into your journal with this--but it touched on something that I often easily forget--so thanks for sharing this realization.

[sanmagic7]

hey, d.r., very nice.  i think that's why beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  one who looks with their heart can see beauty everywhere.  there's no logic to that.

the progress you're making is incredible.  you are a wonder to behold.   

[Andyman73]

DR,
I'm so happy to hear that you're now accepting that You Are Not Alone, not anymore. 

Andy 

[Sceal]