DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks Rbswan. My insecurity was making me think all my ideas were terrible there. Yeah, I have trust issues with therapists too.

From my system there, I was probably really good on the areas of thought awareness, acceptance and change. I kept avoiding the feeling areas because I thought of it as "gross" and "irrational". I acted warm more to look better than really caring. In truth, I was a lot more colder in my head.

I've softened and warmed up with the feeling treatment areas though. My younger self would be surprised (or even horrified) to hear I'd do something like talk about my emotions to a community like this and validate people about something as uncomfortable to talk about as trauma. But here I am. Heh.

[DecimalRocket]

I thought I'd give people a more general post about my past but it was too overwhelming really.  If you want some background on me — you can take a look at my first post on this forum for what happened. Not going to make the effort again — I cried after for three hours straight.

I won't tell you about my life as a child — it was . . .even more excruciatingly painful. . . but I will tell you my life from a year ago.

I thought I'd give people a more general post about my past but it was too overwhelming really.  If you want some background on me — you can take a look at my first post on this forum for what happened. Not going to make the effort again — I cried after for three hours straight.

I won't tell you about my life as a child — it was . . .even more excruciatingly painful. . . but I will tell you my life from a year ago.

Before this forum, I've talked anonymously on a site with free volunteer listeners 7 cups of tea. I don't go there as much anymore as there are not many listeners for trauma. But they'd tell me certain things repeatedly over the year I hanged around there.

Early on, they'd tell me I can trust them as I often had hours long panic attacks after barely talking about my problem. Later, they tended to say I kept overthinking a lot —I had a time in my life where I kept overthinking to the point of doubting the existence of reality, the validity of human memory and panicking over the limits of human collective knowledge. Now try to imagine how I dealt with choices in everyday life.

Next they'd say I was extremely logical and often ignored my emotional side. Sometimes it took an hour to figure out even a bit of what I was feeling and I didn't have much respect for human relationships. . . mostly because I could barely feel any warmth myself.

Next, they'd say I worked too hard. They'd say I need to stop thinking of how strangers thought of my achievements but focus on the people close to you who love and accept you as who you are — on which I had none.

Next when I felt warmth for the first time, I was freaked about it. I didn't know what to do with it and I'd go into panic. People would tell me developing warmth was a good thing — but it took some months to fully stop being anxious around the mere feeling.

Next they'd tell me I was too empathetic or accommodating to others. When I first developed warmth, I didn't really get what was the right amount of it and often it became too much.

Next I thought of working towards solving a problem for others — use my own logical skills to use — working on the studies I had and different shortcuts I've made and researched to learn better. And I'd often get distressed about my lack of confidence about it. Most, if not all of them, would reply that the kind of things I've solved, said and read on sounds like I'm pretty much a genius (On which people have commented on similar ways before since the start of being on 7 cups of tea)— but I'd often feel embarrassed hearing that and brushed it away.

Last, I'd speak about Sensory Processing Disorder which often accompanies conditions like Asperger or ADHD but can also develop with trauma. It caused me a hypersensitivity to sound — so much that I'd have to get out of class regularly because the students conversations crowding around could give me me panic attacks.

And I'd pretty much grieve on how my dreams about the future is stupid around this disorder and complain about my physical exhaustion from noise. I then talked about occupational therapy — the treatment for this and mentioned once that from a book, it said it could take an entire year to completely rewire your nervous system. I told them — I'd try to do it in half a year while telling them I simultaneously think this is both a good and a bad idea.

And that's when I found this place.

Lots has happened, huh?

[sanmagic7]

i'll say lots has happened!  quite a lot of moving you've done, going from being cold to warm to too warm, etc.  it can be difficult to find a balance that works for each of us.  it's different for everyone. 

i'm glad you're here, and i hope you can find more balance for yourself.  it's ok to take it slowly - i hope you can remember that.  i know that when i rush things that are better off not being rushed, i end up in a battle once again, and that's really the worst thing i can do.  instead of minimizing stress, tension, and pressure, it ups the ante, and i end up at cross-purposes with myself and what i really need.

sending you a hug filled with balance and self-care.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks San! I saw you were online earlier and noticed you were replying to Recovery Journals. I had a big smile on my face waiting for you there while also getting anxious that maybe my entries here were too long or I wasn't important enough for the reply. I didn't ask you to but you did reply . . . Heh. There's something about your posts that I'm especially fond of compared to others here. I've gotten both happy and grieving tears for what could have been over them to be honest. I'll try to take it easy as you ask, San, as I've had a lot of memories of working too hard already.

I'm considering adding some more background at my own pace — it's less that I'm hurt by these memories (Though I still am), but more because I'm too shy to share details here. I also was reading history and thought of categorizing my life into different periods according to worldview, common problems, common feelings and solutions used. I didn't finish it though — there were more important priorities in mind.

I also went and analyzed what the most damaging factors contributing to my depression and anxiety growing up were. I went and even read a Systems Thinking book for it — the study of analysis and problem solving things that are self sustaining, with elements, a purpose, connected parts and areregularly evolving. But didn't get much from the first chapters because I already observed these ideas myself — that's only for the first few chapters more so there's probably more.

I thought I'd analyze this stuff so I'd understand more what to avoid and to work on — also because I'm simultaneously horrified and fascinated by my life. Maybe I'd share what I've found from my project later on. It's interesting really — I get happy when people bother to listen to me drone on on any of my intellectual projects. That's rare.

Bwahahahahaha!

[sanmagic7]

o dear, sweet, d.r., how very kind of you to say that to me.  i can't always answer everyone's posts - sometimes i just run out of juice - but if i don't answer yours one day, even if i answered several others, please don't take it personally.  i do what i can, and with the topsy turviness of my physical crapola going on, i never can tell when i might simply have to stop in the middle.  i hate it, but there's nothing to do about it.

you're welcome to share what you want when you want.  there's no pressure here, no judgment, no comparisons.  i'm glad you'll go at your own pace.  i think you're doing just fine.   big hug to you.

[DecimalRocket]

Yeah, san. That's why I didn't really ask you to post. You seemed to have a lot of tough times in your life and I didn't want to force you. I'm glad you did.

I'll try not to take it personally, but considering how my past has scarred me, I can get sensitive even when I try not to. I'm kind of embarassed sometimes by how much I need approval, listening or validation. But don't let that stop you from skipping me here when you need rest, alright?

Take care, San. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for understanding.   

[Three Roses]

i do what i can, and with the topsy turviness of my physical crapola going on, i never can tell when i might simply have to stop in the middle.  i hate it, but there's nothing to do about it.

Me too!

[Sceal]

Hi! I just wanted to pop my head in and send you some support from far away.
Hope your Saturday is going well.

[Blueberry]

I thought I'd give people a more general post about my past but it was too overwhelming really.  If you want some background on me — you can take a look at my first post on this forum for what happened. Not going to make the effort again — I cried after for three hours straight.

DecimalRocket,

You don't owe us a post about your past! If it's too overwhelming, it's too overwhelming. I'm sure most people here understand that. C-PTSD leads to us feeling overwhelmed, so please take care of you and don't overwhelm yourself.

If and when you want to post about your past, you can let out little bits of information sentence by sentence. I used to not be able to talk about my past, I just had the impulse to start screaming hysterically. And writing led to self-harm. Improved in both areas, but I had to give myself the time I needed. 

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks guys for dropping by! It may seem small, but little things like this mean the world to me.

I learned about how important validation is on this forum. I thought I needed more "criticism" to toughen myself up but what I needed was more encouragement. So I thought I'd celebrate something good in my life by remembering it.

I noticed something. I'm nearly always fascinated by what's going on in my life in some way. I'll be grieving with tears and I'd still experience wonder in a book. I'd be fuming with anger and I'd be fascinated in my experience. I'd be terrified and especially when I'm scared, look for something to learn to give me comfort. This often leads me to take an active stance in solving my problems since i'm fascinated by them or at least have a healthy way of dealing with emotions by learning a hobby.

When I was about 13, I was depressed and anxious. Why so I don't want to give details to but I can tell you the details of how I dealt with it. I'd google things like, "How to be happy" over and over. I'd try many of these things for hours everyday, but each glimmer of happiness would soon disappear. It felt like my brain was squeezing out joy juice like some kind of fruit and it would dry up too soon.

What I hated the most was the emotional numbness and especially the lack of curiosity in it. I grew up the kid who read books from every single part of the children's library. My parents were . . . not very good parents and I was bullied by my peers. But I grew up with a tutor everyday after school — and he often noticed how much I loved learning and encouraged me to share what I've learned on my own after each session with him.

I'd ask him questions from a variety of subjects — I remember him telling me how they split the atom to create a powerful bomb. He told me they never really saw the atom — Scientists were able to discover it just with their minds. And little me would stare in awe at how they managed to do that. But no, by that time, my curiosity was gone. Gone.

But something came upon me — I had a problem. So why not learn how to solve a problem? Discover something just by your own mind? I googled, "How to problem solve." I'd learn how to define a problem and find root causes from inventors. I'd learn the art of making ideas from the artists. I'd learn efficiency from business people. I'd learn focus from the meditators and so on.

The project no longer was done to be happy. I was, in all honesty, both terrified and fascinated about it. I noticed that curiosity was nearly always my only positive emotion. So why not nurture it?

I pretended I was advertising what I was learning about to a special customer — me — and wrote multiple journals using advertising techniques to elicit my own curiosity. I was learning about something in psychology about reactions to new and old things — and noticed I was more interested when something was not too old or not too new. So i made a habit of noticing familiar or new details about a subject and balance it to be more interested. I read about gratitude journals so I thought I'd make wonder journals. I've learned how to humble myself over the wider world by learning about astronomy. And this would go on and on and on.

I'd call it Wonder and Curiosity Therapy or WCT.

I was still depressed somehow, but for all my time spent on researching about happiness, this was the thing that made the largest difference.

I could cry. I could scream. I could break.

But at the end of the day I'd think this.

"Why do you live?"

"Well, buddy, I haven't finished learning about everything interesting in the world. Of course I'll go on! Dammit."

[woodsgnome]

Decimal Rocket: "I'll call it Wonder and Curiosity Therapy or WCT."


Your mention of your tutor reminded me of a child therapist I was sent to during an especially bad time around age 9. Unfortunately, it was a short stay (those who sent me there only cared for him to declare me "normal"). But that therapist revealed how interesting things can keep us going even when life seems so lonely and meaningless. And how each of us has that sense of wonder and curiosity. It's all that kept me intact, I think.

Thanks for that reminder.

[sanmagic7]

i practically lived in the library when a kid as well, devouring many fantasy books with a magical flavor (alice in wonderland is still my very favorite), and i love doing research.  your approach to what's going on with you i think is brilliant.

wct - i think it deserves to be up there with other therapies.  something positive to focus on when the world seems to be shattering around us.  beautiful.

and your reason for staying alive - fabulous.  isn't it the truth, tho.  i can totally relate to that.  i've still got loads to learn.

thanks for this post, d.r.  so inspiring, so uplifting.  you've got a great thing going here.  big hug filled with even more learning and lots of love.

[DecimalRocket]

Woodsgnome, it's great that you were able to make use of curiosity and wonder in your life too.

Thanks San for the encouragement. I kept shaming myself for not deserving it, but the burden is lighter somehow. I hope you can do well with things in your life too.

Noise.

Bellowing honks. People zipping. Music blaring.

Breath shallow. Heart beating.

Eyes closed.

Calm.

Conversations. Pen tapping.

Whispering. Laughing.

Breathe.

Sensory Processing Disorder is when the brain has trouble organizing the senses like a traffic jam in the brain. It could disorganize one or more of the senses — my particular hypersensitivity is sound and on a much lesser level, sight..

When it's too noisy or too many moving things are in my sight for a long period of time (Maybe say . . . 2-4 hours straight) — all kinds of weird symptoms can happen. I can lose focus. I can get tired enough to need sleep. Sometimes it makes it hard for me to do fine motor movements like grasp things or write. Sometimes it gives me problems with balance and I can't walk without moving in zigzags. Sometimes it makes me temporarily mute.
.
SPD is often associated with conditions like ADHD or Aspegers but also with trauma. When I was little, a psychologist diagnosed me with mild autism or Aspergers. I left because I didn't believe her, and because she tended to be harsh on the way she treated me. When I got the guts years after to get a therapist on SPD — he suggested some other tests since SPD is associated with other conditions and mentioned a social delay but didn't explain further. (Not enough time to.)

I'm not sure — but I always seemed to have SPD from the little memories of my childhood I have. It just became more and more severe with trauma and emotional burdens. For being an aspie — I went and googled more than 10 tests — and lo and behold — I got diagnosed as one for every test I took. From "Strong likelihood of Aspergers" on a 50 item test to "Higher than 2 out of 10" people to indentifying emotions in eyes. I guess real life aren't like forums where everyone tells you what they're feeling directly.

Geez — if this is true, then I have two conditions that make my senses more hypersensitive. Well, that explains the continous mental, emotional and physical exhaustion just before the break — that lasted into uncontrollable crying. Eh.

Most of my troubles today though involved my anxiety in the school bus and the time when I went out of a noisy classroom and fell asleep on the floor — then came back soon enough. I had a flashback in the middle of another class  and felt terrible — but the feelings of loneliness and shame around it were more mild. I had a problem with missing something from the noise and I was able to communicate it without anxiety to the guidance counsellor here.

Well — it's awfully mild today. I wonder if all the grieving and talking here this past whole week did something —

But hey, it's the first day, who knows?

[sanmagic7]

good morning, d.r.,

i used to be able to tolerate lots of sights and sounds when i was in my 20's and 30's, until i started getting physically sick.  now it's all too much, and very anxiety-provoking. 

so, how do you feel about the whole aspberger's thing?  relief?  anger?  overwhelmed?  it sure adds another layer into the mix for you, but maybe helps to explain some things as well.  i don't know, but i hope so.

also glad that some of your symptoms seem to be milder right now.   i know that writing here, realizing, getting so much support has definitely made a difference for me.   so glad for you that you continue to post.  big hug filled with 'forward!' and love.