DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit

[DecimalRocket]

Well, Sceal, that does clear some things up with me. I've noticed that even when I have trouble with these things, I eventually understand with time. It's not a social never. It's a social delay. I can do something about it.   

San, I've heard of alexithymia and I've taken a test online before showing I have high alexithymic traits. I've taken it again and it shows the same result.

I've trained myself to memorize the associated body sensations of emotions to identify them. When I'm afraid, my breath quickens and my eyes widen. When I'm sad, I feel a heaviness in my chest and a bit of tiredness. And so on. I'm not actually able to tell my emotions directly just by feeling them much of the time — I really have to be aware of what's in my body.

I noticed my understanding of emotions are more . . . black and white. Before I couldn't even be aware that I had emotions sometimes. Then I could only tell happy from unhappy. Now I can tell different types of emotions — like relaxation, fear, excitement, shame in me and so on.

But I notice other people have a much more complex understanding of emotions than this — something that can't be explained by these mere words that the creative arts can allow them to express. I don't seem to have the same lost for words as my emotions and even other people's emotions . .. seem more . . . "simplified" compared to what they recognize.

When I read facial expressions, it's difficult. For one, I can't make eye contact without getting overwhelmed. Even if I can actually read expressions, it tends to lack the ability to identify different shades and intensity of emotions — I can see happiness for example — but not if it's hope, relaxation, playfulness or love. It's even more complicated when these emotions are mixed.

I guess that's why I tend to switch between very calm and very expressive because I can only identify well very strong emotions. That's why my laugh is pretty loud even if I'm generally a quiet person. I feel a bodily sensation convulsing in my body for a long time until I'm laughing in the most excitable and the weirdest way possible. I'm not aware of and don't express these emotions enough and so when they do come out, they really do come out.

Though, with negative emotions, I often make more effort to hide them and express them in more calmer or silent ways. My emotions are childlike in this way — and often the only strong emotions I can notice regularly is my curiosity and anxiety around people.

I vaguely sense other subtle emotions in my body but I don't find it very important to be aware of every emotion I feel. My more logical and analytical decision making tends to work things out for me.
Also while I can't tell why I'm feeling directly, I can make guesses based on my tendencies in the past. (Strong curiosity, sensitivity to rejection, likes absurdist jokes, anger tends to be towards myself than others, etc.)

Eh. Maybe I should read more about this alexythimia thing. I heard of it but never researched it in depth.

Well, this is one of my longer posts. Eh. If you're still with me, thanks.

Hug back to you, San. 

[Sceal]

 

[sanmagic7]

dang, d.r., i could've written your post.  i'm also very high on the alex. scale (91 out of 100), and i'm with you at not being able to read facial expressions, being simplistic when it comes to some feelings while others are simply not accessible, and i also believe i have a lot of physical problems due to unexpressed emotions - they simply stayed inside cuz i didn't even know they were there.

from what i've learned, this comes from trauma at a very young age (emotional denial) so as to prevent the correct neural networks from forming that connect the emot. part of the brain to the verbal part.  that's why we can't access them - the connections are incomplete.

i've had to guess at how to respond to situations, taking cues from others as to the emotions they express.   touch is very important to me because it's something tangible, like knowledge and logic.  those are the 3 things that have gotten me thru life.

but being unaware of my emotions for so long has hurt me terribly, both physically and relationship-wise.  i believe it's part of what's caused me to stay too long in abusive relationships - instead of feeling angry about what was happening, i was either tolerant, understanding, patient, or confused.    it's not served me well.

so, now with the help of this forum, and being more mindful of body sensations, i believe my brain is being re-wired so that those connections can now begin happening, where they were stopped in their tracks originally.  it's making me feel more complete as a human being, as well as understanding more fully who i really am as a person. 

some of it i don't like.  i rarely, if ever, was in touch with fear for most of my life, and now that i can often feel it, it's not my favorite thing.  i don't know how i could have accomplished all i've done if fear had been a working entity in the past.  still, emotions are part of being human, having a 'self', and i do want that, so i'm ready, come what may.

i did read that a lot of alexithymic people don't want to find their emotions - too scary.  they'd rather experience the shadowy distress and disturbance instead of finding out what's really going on.  i thought that was interesting.  so, best to you with this, and i want you to know i support you right where you are and for who you are.  big hug, d.r.

[DecimalRocket]

Yeah, San. Thank you. Not knowing your emotions is pretty difficult. I hope you can figure it out too. I had a similar case of not knowing what I wanted and ending up in unhealthy situations in friendships.

I've learned about this bad habit of lack of assertiveness from something called Enneagram — a system that categorizes the different coping responses with fear, anger and shame (3 types for each emotion)— similar in a way that Pete Walker does with the 4Fs. It's only meant to be a guideline as of course people are complex and unique. My response to anger in the system was to repress it and go along with other people too much or a Type 9 response. Looks like the advice helped me a lot.


........

I thought I'd do my regular check up on what's going on with my life. See how things are progressing or not, alright?

So let me ask these questions :

1) How has talking here in the forum affecting my life?
2) How did it affect my fear, shame and anger responses according to Enneagram? It has to be arranged in those three emotions since it begins from the most dominant response to the least dominant.
3) How did it affect my physical recovery?
4) How did it affect my formal education?

Emotional Recovery :

Fear response :
The type 5 response to fear is to collect information — unhealthy fives tend to collect information in a way that distracts from their main problems or allows more anxiety. Healthy fives tend to collect information in a way that calms them or solves their and other's problems.

My curiosity is becoming even more of a significant way of dealing with my fear. I remember having an intense flashback in the middle of statistics class and had to run out with tears — even momentarily thinking of ending it. I calmed down soon when I went to go read a novel and I had a similar case yesterday — calming down quickly when I learned programming and Japanese on my own. After spending about two weeks here, I don't remember a single moment these past days where  I wasn't curious.

I tend to have problems with starting a needed project though. Once I ease in a project, I can focus on it well but the beggining makes me anxious and I'd often go distract myself in other hobbies. When I move on to the next life project, this will be an obstacle.

Shame response :
The type 3 response to shame is to achieve and to control their image to make themselves to feel better about themselves. Unhealthy threes tend to have problems with workaholism and even lying to others about their achievements. Healthy threes are able to use their drive for the long benefit of themselves and other. Also, to be honest about who they are.

The forum's purposes tend to focus most on this distress as it provides practice to be honest.

Before coming to this forum, I remember constantly berating myself on several parts of the day for not working hard enough. I even had an emotional collapse around this. After talking here and getting back to classes, workaholism has decreased by an estimate of 90%. I was able to take an entire week for recovery on the break — which has never happened in years and was able to be completely honest about my situation to a long term group for the first time.

I still have trouble opening up with about everyone in real life though and it'll take time to trust. I can be overly shy sometimes and I'm working on it.

Anger response :

The type 9 response to anger is to adapt to other's needs and to focus on relaxing. Unhealthy nines tend to forget their needs too much and become overly submissive or procrastinating on themselves. Healthy nines adapt to both themselves and other's needs while allowing a sense of calm in their lives.

On the first days of being on this forum, I remember gaining the courage to go to my guidance counselor telling her about my flashbacks. She told my mom who've hurt me for years. And while I've confronted my mom before and she's slowly been changing — this is the first time I admitted in detail my emotional pain over it.

She cried. Hard. And everyday after she would tell me how sorry how she had became such a terrible mother and tell me "I love you." She's become more gentle towards me, and more accepting.

I don't need to focus on this area for now — not much problems around this anymore.

Physical Recovery and Education:

My Sensory Processing Disorder gave me a hypersensitivity to sound that often led to panic attacks in noisy environments (like the classroom) after 2-4 hours. Before this, I often missed 2-3 classes from physical exhaustiom and stress from noise. This last week I often missed 1 class or none.

Another noticable effect is that I was still physically exhausted from noise but I didn't have the panic attacks that much anymore. It often created a need to sleep but not a terrorizing anxiety.

I'm in specialized STEM classes and I was able to catch up on the Precalcalus classes with weekend remedials. I have to wait to see what extra assignments I have for other classes I missed though. The curiosity helps, for sure.

[ah]

Hi DecimalRocket,

You're absolutely not alone. In shyness, hypersensitivity to noise, not knowing emotions. I love Wonder and Curiosity Therapy, I think it may be the sane way to engage in things we have no control over, without getting stuck or getting drained, while still searching for a solution. 

I can understand your distance from writing about your past. My life has been unbelievable, and I agree it isn't necessary - only if you find it helps here and now, that's what matters. The way I see it, the one and only purpose of this journal is to be a place where you can be yourself and explore it, changing from moment to moment, from question to question. You make the rules. We follow you here.

Emotions - I'm totally with you, I only knew I felt "good" or "bad", had no idea about emotions beyond that. Eventually I made lists of emotions and started self-educating in order to improve. It's done me a lot of damage too, I kept finding the local abuser everywhere I went.

Shyness, that one I can relate to the most but my own shyness aside, you're on my mind. I love your way with words and your wide awake, super-inquisitive mind. Reading your posts is always very special to me.

[sanmagic7]

nice organizational skills here, d.r. 

from what i read, it seems like you're making quite a bit of progress.  good for you!  i know you were gonna take a break from here, but came back quickly and are letting your voice be heard throughout the forum.  i'm very glad for you - you have a lovely voice, intelligent, and a caring heart.  your support has been invaluable to me.

keep up the good work.  it's been wonderful getting to know you.  sending you a hug filled with warmth and love.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks guys! Ah, it's great to find someone to relate to. And San, thanks for noticing my words around the forum. I kinda think they're all terrible in some form.

I have a thread on the Wonder and Curiosity Therapy, its potential benefits and how to do it. I thought I'd make it as a thank you to people on this forum.

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=8079.0

Barely anyone is reading it though. Maybe it won't work at all.

Sorry if my posts are too long — my mind is complex and so my entire everyday life is complex to understand. I can't seem to gain any comfort with making much of anything I type in shorter because denying the complexity of my thoughts is denying one of the most fundamntal expressions of my personality. Eh. Sigh.

........

I researched on intuition before — and I noticed my intuition failed at many decisions except one — its ability to choose my next long term priority in personal development in life. I read that people's intuition are especially strong for things they are experts in — like chess masters for example. I guess all these years of writing pro and con lists in my mind for what to do next has assimilated itself to my unconscious to just being able to "feel" what's the next priority that will allow the greatest impact.

I thought of working on my sense of purpose —  one of the essential parts of living a satisfying life and so recovery. What would my drive be used for in this life?

When studying mindfulness, I heard of a man — named Shinzen Young — who wrote a book called "The Science of Enlightenment." In his book, he called on people to create an entirely new revolutionary mix of science and mindfulness meditation.

I was someone who didn't have an idea of what in the world to do with my life. But it gave me an idea — I liked science and I had a ridiculous amount of experience in mental health due to treating myself all this time. I wonder if what I'll do in life would involve the two? I lacked confidence and thought it was pretty stupid, but now, I'm . . . considering it.

I had multiple hobbies — but I noticed I had somewhat of a preference for more of the "left brained" hobbies. I then chosed specialized STEM classes. I planned on Computer Science when I got to college — mostly because I noticed it allowed the precision and accuracy I yearned for as well as some room for open ended creativity. Programming had languages for a computer— and like any language, different words can allow for a wide variety of uses and ideas. I also thought this was stupid.

Next thing I heard was a Ted talk called "Why Some of Us Don't Have One True Calling," where the speaker talks about how a mixture of interests allowed people to innovate new ideas. I remember when studying filmaking for example — there was a magician trying to make films — and he mixed his movie making and magic skills to create the first special effects. Movie magic. This got me thinking.

The next shot to my worldview was studying a course online at Edx about ignorance — the study of its nature and how it affected major problems in our society. One of the essential things I've heard of is how much of problems in society are confusing is because they touch on several fields — ranging from the politcal to the psychological or to the economical to the environmental.

Then I thought of the hobbies I've had in my life — I've counted more than 40. — how I often took ideas from one field to another — and I wondered — what if I could study how different ideas can combine? Not between any specific field — but to study in general what allows ideas to transfer to one to another? Find categories for similarities in fields no one has noticed, areas where transfer is more likely to happen, areas where transfer is less likely but allows more quality of ideas and so on. Then put these ideas into a program for a wide use . . . Then if possible, use it in mental health too.

It's not a specialized or deep perspective. But a more hollistic, the ultimate bird's eye perspective, and it could offer some things the other does not.

I  left it — I dismissed all my ideas — I was not worth anything and so my ideas weren't too. What if it's too risky? It would take away all my time. It's stupid. I was stupid. I don't work hard enough. I don't have enough allies. I was —

And today a voice came into my head — "Does it matter if you'll be succesful or that you're better at this than everyone else? That you might fail?

You feared failure because you failed no one would care about you if you did! But now there are people who give a s*** about you!

Come on. It could be a side project! Something to do in your free time. Something that would make being a jack of all trades, master of a few, more exciting. You don't have to do this with EVERY field. Just some, at your own pace.

What matters after all more is what's interesting. What gives you the kick! The delicious small "aha" moments along the way.

And this? This is one of the most fascinating things you've seen all your life."


I looked back on a list of guide questions I've made for this research that I've left alone in my files for a long time. It's been — what — months? A year since this idea was first formed and thinking about it over time? My intuition was reacting to it like light to a black hole. My wonder around it was exhilirating.

I'm not sure, but it seemed like every time I find something that would change my life even without knowing it at first — problem solving, mindfulness, enneagram and so on — my mind seems to lock into an incredible level of obsession for a very long time. The type of fascination where even if I keep avoiding it, being skeptical of it or getting terrified of it, I keep coming back.

I gulped and thought,

"Uhhhh. . . .I think I'm . . I think I'm going to faint. "

[sanmagic7]

i hope you don't faint, d.r. 

i loved those questions you posed for yourself.  really, what does it matter, any of those things?  it's your life only, it's something that will keep you moving forward in your life, something that you're interested in, something that you are creating and can be creative about.  personally, i don't see a downside.

but, that's my perspective.  yours is your own, and if you have issues in the way of doing what you want, what you love, i hope you can find a way either around or thru them.  i think anything that excites us or that warms our heart is worth pursuing. 

sending a big hug filled with clarity and love.

[Sceal]

Hey Rocket!
What you describe and talk about I recognize so well, although my projects , hobbies and ideas have primarily been towards the creative side along with health and mental health and history.

I think Ive listened to the same ted talk as you.  About being a multipotentialite. There is a community out there for us. I also want to suggest you look into  Live Your Legend, maybe that place can help you towards a focus. It did for me, until I got too sick. But I will go back to that when I need direction again and I am strong enough.

I also would like to share with you Brene Browns ted talks and books, incase you havent come across her yet. She talks about shame and wholehearted living. I know emotions are difficult for you, but i still highly recommend her. 

Keep on going, Rocket.  You are awesome

[DecimalRocket]

I see. Thanks for the both of you.

San, I appreciate the encouragement.  Sceal, I'll try to go read on those things.  I've heard of those things but didn't look into them that much since other priorities came into my mind.

Another thing is that I got a talk with my therapist yesterday. He said a couple of things.

1) He said he noticed I have problems with trauma flashbacks and would assign me a psychologist for this soon. Something I've been avoiding for years.
2) He said my sensory hypersensitivity problems have most to do with noise, and so he'll assign me a therapist for that.
3)He said I greatly lacked social inference — the ability to make educated guesses of what other people are thinking or feeling — officially diagnosing being an Aspie. So he thought he'd assign me a therapy for this too.

My project with finding connections between things is beggining with Systems Thinking — the ability to solve and analyze things that have elements, are interconnected and have a purpose. If I'm going to study connections more deeply, I might as well study a field that emphasizes that study already. Then develop upon it further in more specified teams of fields.

That, or maybe I'll try what Sceal suggested first.

Honestly, I'm scared and curious at the same time — a very familiar combination. Somewhat ashamed and somewhat empowered.

It'd also help with my recovery — it would challenge me to face my own insecurities and fears for this. This, as well as train my tendency to avoid things I'm afraid of — on which I'll probably do since I avoid things most at the start of a project. Focus accelerates as time goes by though. Since much of my fears are developed from my fear of not knowing enough — working on my own ideas could be the ultimate challenge to that fear.

I asked myself a question once. "How do you see life and the world?" Life and the world is a connection of problems and opportunities. Cause and effect. Theories and Processes. Details and connections. Chaos and Order. Patterns in the past, present and future.

If I love solving so much, why not make my entire life into a collection of complex problems to solve?

Hahaha. This'll be interesting.

Haha.

I'm going . . . I'm going to watch random youtube videos now to avoid it all, aren't I?

Yes, yes I am.

[Hope66]

Just wanted to say DecimalRocket, that I am glad you're in the forum, and the things you say are interesting and worthwhile - sending you a  and wishing you well today.
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks Hope. 

Well, looks like I'm back.


Trigger Warning*** Emotional Neglect

I was anxious. Hyperventilating. The world seemed to be rushing away and I couldn't catch up.

If only if I could have communicated my problems years ago. If only I had more willpower. More problem solving skills. More fame. More anything to be listened to.

If only my mom didn't yell at me to stop when I was hiding my face in tears. If only my teachers didn't tell me it was wrong to cry.

If only I could have tried harder to ask about things I was confused about in life. When I was afraid a monster hidden in the darkness would kill me. When I was scared of dying of an illness even with no symptoms. When I was criticizing myself over and over. When I was overworking in school.

When I didn't have anyone to talk to when I fell in love with someone — who was the same gender as I was and was straight. When I literally questioned if reality did not exist. When I was pessimistic about the nature of relationships. When I saw the future as looming darkly over me at every moment of the day and even considered a quick end.

I could have talked to someone and be listened to all this time.

I felt both rage and grief over me. That poor poor damn kid! I wasn't just left behind! I was neglected! Abandoned! Why in the world would you teach a kid to silence their voice so that they would do everything outside basic physical needs themselves?! Why would you barely teach a kid any emotional life skills at all?!

I felt a tinge of happiness in me and suddenly, loud joy was bursting through. I felt my eyes water until I was just being flooded with tears. It was a mix of overwhelming pain and relief — as if the temparature of warm happiness was turned up to burning levels.

I felt disappointed at this joy — I was so overcome with emotion that I couldn't find the words to speak. And all I wanted at that moment was to do so.

I would talk about my problem with not being listening for the first time with a therapist even though with all the last therapists — I refused to share anything. The first time to my mom — who've managed to become kind even after being so easily angered years ago.

Yesterday was ordinary. I studied Systems thinking and the usual hobbies. I watched the usual show online when my brain was aching from all the mental work. I ate my usual snacks, sat in the usual sofa and had my usual curiosities.

Not a single emotional flashback that day.

I guess some of the best days are when nothing really happens.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Not a single emotional flashback that day.

I guess some of the best days are when nothing really happens.

Nice to hear. And I feel the same way too, some of the best days are the uneventful ones - when everything is calm and quiet for once.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks, AA.  You haven't been on this forum for a bit. Glad you're back. I think you were my first friend on this forum.

....
When I read about and practiced meditation, it taught me about a type of happiness called Equanimity.

I was in a luminous jhana once — one of the most advanced meditation practices possible. I was supposed to focus on a light forming in my mind — the nimitta — and as I focused subtly, it began as small as the pinpoint of a pencil until it gradually grew to the size of a building.

It felt like I was dipping my toe into a pool of bliss until I entered in to fully submerge myself into the water. It was beautiful. Wonderous. Heaven. But like any dive under the water — I had to swim up to be able to breathe.

When it was done, I noticed about 20 minutes has passed. But in my mind, it truly felt like a million years.

But the bliss didn't remain in my life — I was addicted to the bliss — far too much. When it was gone, it made me greatly depressed. Deprived. I'd try to focus on my everyday life but my mind was consumed of the thoughts of this bliss. When I felt the bliss again, I was deeply disappointed at how it wasn't as strong as before or could have been.

I've asked around online and read enough books to learn that I was not truly happy — I had joy but not equanimity. Equanimity is satisfaction with life as it is — no matter what you are feeling.

When I practiced for equanimity, the intense bliss was gone and the depressive episodes weren't as strong. I'd learn how to grieve — let out suppresed emotions and was stuck with flashbacks again.

But today — I remember grieving. Being hurt. Afraid. Angry. I was so exhausted I fell alseep during class hours. But it was tempered with a softness — a gentleness and an embracing acceptance of it.

I was thinking of Systems thinking again — the study of how to analyze things that have elements, a purpose and connected that are self sustaining and evolving through time. It was beautifully precise in how it categorized the world. It was more versatile in understanding than mathematics. It was the right amount of complex and the right amount of simplicity.

I didn't want to just know the system of culture, science, politics, language or whatever — I wanted to understand the system of my life itself in the most vigorously precise way possible.

Maybe this is why I wanted equanimity. Not just because I wanted true happiness — but because I could accept any truth of the world I could find. I'd be willing to sacrifice  joy . . . for the truth.

It was not intense bliss anymore nor even a feeling of quiet all the time — but it had equanimity.

Maybe that was all I needed.

[DecimalRocket]

Trigger warning*** Extreme loneliness and self hatred

I have a confession about myself and I predict that when I'd share it, I'd experience indescribable pain. These last few days have been good, but now everything is just . . . horribly broken in me.

Haha. But who'd bother listening and comforting me when I say so, would they? If I'd be rained down with critcism then maybe that's because I deserve it. And maybe people giving me the silent treatment would squeeze that pain into me even more, what can I say? Right now, I don't think I deserve to feel any happiness then — I'm a disgusting *** after all.

You see . . . when I was a child. . . I dreamed of murder. Now, now, don't worry — I have none of these wishes right now . . . 0%. But I still remember it.

I thought it would allow me more attention. More people who'd know my name. I'd daydream about an "audience" who'd see my showcasing of violence.

I never did it because I was afraid I'd be caught. But I thought of it . . . very often.

I've been bullied and I sought revenge on my bullies by beating them up hard. But they were often too fast. I've become a bully myself and the other students would either cheer me or get scared of me. My mom had reacted to my tantrums of hurt by shouting at me and getting angry. My teachers were telling me not to cry. . . Not to get angry.

I remember feeling barely any empathy for other people. I barely remember a much of closeness, love or companionship with anyone I've talked to.

And this would often break me — Someone love . . . a kid like me? Who would? Of course, nobody would. Later, my own cruelties would stop and I've become more neutral. Distant. Neither mean and neither kind.

I've trained myself to feel empathy for months — even though a shred of it meant utter terror at the feeling for days straight. I've train loving kindness meditation for months and it would take months for me to feel any of that loving kindness. I'd feel desperately confused at any love I felt and I went through most of it alone. Just like . . . most of every problem I had in life.

I didn't do it be kind. I did it so I would deserve love and care. I feel for people now that I get afraid when I don't know enough or can't solve everything — because I want to know enough to be able to solve problems for others someday, dammit. And repay the world the love I felt when people first listened to my problems . . . I'd do everything for that.

But still, I . . . there's a part of me that's still selfish. That demands attention even though I'm burdening others. A part of me that's angry at not enough people listening even when clearly they are trying their hardest and they're trying to deal with their own difficult lives. I envy all the other people here who get listened more than I do. I've listened to others here because I cared, but now I listen more because I want to be thanked and listened . . . recognized for something.

Damn it. All this years of ridding off selfishness and I'm still stuck with it.

I really don't deserve this at all. Maybe I'll just go leave this forum. Give up. I've been uncontrollably crying for a while now, and well . . . I don't know.

I no longer think I deserve to be here after all . . . No longer.