DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit

Started by DecimalRocket, October 28, 2017, 09:05:52 AM

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DecimalRocket

#180
Thank you San, Hope, Sceal, and Little Bird. Happy New Year to you all, and I wish you guys the best for the new year ahead.  :hug:

My inner critic has been raging recently. Sometimes I think I grew up with something similar to an eating disorder, but instead of weight and appearance to obsess about, it was my intelligence.

I was afraid of losing my chance of success.

But what was success to me the most? It was not fame and fortune, of course -- though I think of that too much. It was not the ideal of some kind of near all knowing state to remove all sense of powerlessness.  It was not even compassion, authenticity or meaningful relationships like many here.

It was the kick of new perspectives, new truths. It was asking questions over and over, scanning a thousand possible answers over the horizon, and to find the wonder of an insight after all the effort. It was a beauty often found in the depths of both solitary study and play.

I remember Richard Feynman — a famous physicist with a colorful personality -- a mixture of wild party lover and analytic scientist. While teaching as a professor, he became aware of a certain meaningless and boredom in his life, and he concluded . . . that he was not doing things for fun. He rejected the money others gave him to teach or study certain things they wanted him to learn, and to go explore things as he liked. One night he was called on how he had just received a Nobel Prize because of the discoveries he made for fun — and in response, he showed no interest. The only reward he needed was the joy of discovering something new.

So was I a success in my eyes? Did I learn new delicious truths to taste that only I could answer to myself? Did I see other perspectives of the world to enjoy?  Did I . . . have fun?

I know the answer to that.

Heh. I've forgotten what I wanted most.

I used to rely and listen to only myself and by myself, did I conclude to rely and listen to others. It was others that told me. .  . to rely and listen to myself again.




DecimalRocket

#181
Hey, I think I'll be taking a break from OOTS for a bit. I don't know how long — I don't usually plan ahead that far off. I figure it out as a I go.

I know I usually come back when I say this, but I bet I'll really try this this time. Why? Because I realized I don't accept myself. . . because I don't know myself. But in a way, people accepting me here allowed a certain role modeling of what acceptance looks like, that I can use now in solitude.

I thought thinking for yourself was only about the big things — political and spiritual beliefs, education and career choices, long term goals and priorities in life, and so on. But now I believe that thinking for yourself is also about the little things.

What little activities I decide for myself on a day. What little things I say to others or refuse to say on a day. How I define concepts obvious seeming concepts such as true or false, smart or stupid, laziness or hard work, kindness or cruelty, and so on. To remove assumptions and to see life without words — the Truth — a concept I mention at the start of my journal.

I need the details rational and precise, you see — not based on a fear of rejection, ignored or being left out. Maybe in a way they're more important — because these little decisions take up a much larger time of our lives. But I only had enough confidence to start to trust myself this way because of OOTS, after all.

So see you much later, unless I give up on this too soon because of some emotional emergency. Who knows?

Bye.  :hug:


sanmagic7

see you when you're ready.  hope it goes well for you.    :hug:

LittleBird

 :hug: sorry to hear you are taking a break (I've enjoyed your humour!) but you have fair enough reasons. I hope you feel a bit better soon and can rejoin, after some time refocusing.

DecimalRocket

#184
Well, this is an embarassingly quick amount of time to come back. Looks like I need more nurturing than I thought. . . Remember when I said I'd come back if there's an emotional emergency?

Well, you see. . . uhh. . . well. . .

Right now I've been thinking that the world is in the palm of my hands as a holy grail with angels singing. Next thing I know I'm angry at the world that's as evil as Donald Trump's wig. Then hitting me with a brick,  I fear that I'd die of embarassment picturing the epitaph on my grave : "Thou was shamed at life, and in death."

Then suddenly it feels like I'm relaxing in a spa . . . with wonderful scents and  . .  . HOLY CRAP WHAT IF MY LIFE ENDS UP HORRIBLE AND I DIE ON THE STREETS! Then I  think of really . . . .good looking girls. . .and more good looking girls. . . 

Okay, I can tell it's not an EF, and nothing externally has caused it. So why?

I went and ask my nice self (NS) Sometimes I like to imagine a much more compassionate version to me to speak to myself more kindly — while trying to ignore the inner critic.

Me : Why?
NS : Oh, that's just puberty making you moody.
Me : Pfff. I'm not going through puberty. I'm actually secretly an alien being who has the ability to transform their appearance and was born absolutely logical and calm.
NS : Right . . . .It's alright. Acceptance is the first step to emotional healing. You're back from Christmas break to classes too — and the shake to your routine especially with being an Aspie is tough on you.
Me : Hahahaha! Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
NS : Hey, even people who do things like philosophize about the nature of reality and is trying to innovate a specialized application with Systems thinking go through—
Me : Don't  say it! Well. . .
NS : Well?
Me : Excuse me, I'm going to hide under my pillows forever and I'm not coming back. Hahaha! Screw you. Goodbye!
NS : I think you need to go back to OOTS. . .






sanmagic7

glad you have ns to talk to sometimes.  it's ok to be back, to be messy.  tis the season.  i'm messy right now as well. 

hang tough, d.r. - hangin' right beside you.    :hug:  there's a wee bit of nurturing for you.


DecimalRocket

#187
Hey San and Sceal, thank you.  :hug:

....

I don't ask for favors, help or listening enough — even after a whole amount of practice the entire last year. I don't really take up space that much — I tend to give up on trusting easily and distance myself too much due to my trauma. I enjoy solitude, but even this can be too much sometimes.

I noticed both my trauma therapist and my occupational therapist make a habit of asking me about my interests. It's a new idea to me that people would try to adapt to my hobbies rather than I adapt to others'.

I notice that I lose confidence to speak up very often and they'd have to lead the conversation in a way that gets me talking.. I'm slowly having longer and longer conversations with people outside those two though.

I feel calmer these days — my intensely analytic and serious tendencies has mellowed out somehow, with a touch of gentle silliness at times. Think maybe a mix of Mr.Spock and Gramma Tala from Moana, but a lot more shy. Heh. With a bit of that teenager moodiness, I guess.

But I  . . . I can't still remove that constant feeling of hurt that follows me through the day.

Sceal

Sound to me that you are making tremendous progress. 
Being aware that you sometimes distance yourself too much, that your trust issues are a heavy burden to carry.
But you are also able to carry longer conversations with people.

Awareness and doing things are good steps to take.

And I hope that the hurt will slowly, but steadily start to ebb away. Maybe sometimes the steps are so small it's hard to notice at first.

Hope67

Quote from: DecimalRocket on January 06, 2018, 04:52:33 AM

I feel calmer these days — my intensely analytic and serious tendencies has mellowed out somehow, with a touch of gentle silliness at times. Think maybe a mix of Mr.Spock and Gramma Tala from Moana, but a lot more shy. Heh. With a bit of that teenager moodiness, I guess.


Hi Decimal Rocket, I really think you're doing well to feel calmer these days - that is great!   :hug: to you and I don't know who Tala from Moana is, but I do know Mr Spock, and he's a nice character.   Wishing you the best - and hope this year will be a good one for you.
Hope  :)

Blueberry

Quote from: DecimalRocket on January 06, 2018, 04:52:33 AM
I feel calmer these days — my intensely analytic and serious tendencies has mellowed out somehow, with a touch of gentle silliness at times.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: progress! Noticing your own progress is progress too  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

I liked your dialogue with NS, it made me laugh at the end that NS thought you should go back to OOTS.  ;D It's where I spend lots of time too. i'm glad you've found a Nice Self. I don't think I have one of those, not consciously anyway. It's a good idea and I'm sure a good healing tool!

I'm sure that with your healing work, the pain will gradually get less. Mine has done so. Until then  :hug: :hug:

DecimalRocket

#191
Hi Sceal, Hope and Blueberry.

:grouphug:

Thanks guys for cheering me on. I'm growing to be more self accepting with my inner critic weakening these days, but my outer critic can still use a lot work. I guess that's why I'm able to have a Nice Self when it comes to me, but hold lots of distrust with other people.

....

I haven't been posting here as recently because I seem to be able to need less attention, but even when I need some attention, I hesitate.

I don't know. Much of my progress usually involves realizing a solution that comes from inspiration from different hobbies, some complex talented problem solving or profound philosophical insights.

Why do I not post these signs of progress?

Because I feel too different. Unrelatable. Too indimidating with my own ideas. I feel like I have to downput my own intelligence to not seem like I'm bragging or making others envy me — but to do that would be making it impossible to connect with people well.

Because hiding that part of me means hiding much of  my intellectual and emotional perspective on myself and the whole world. It means hiding what often shapes my own hopes, fears, dreams, insecurities and personality.

I want to relate to people more — but dammit, I'm just . . . I grew up knowing so much, yet I often didn't have the emotional maturity to deal with it. I didn't grow up with the same problems, questions and answers as most people do.

I delved into the complex and often ignored issues others don't pay attention to— to others it's brilliance. To me, it's isolation.

Right now I'm not much of anything to me — other than just a teenager who wants to fit in.


Elphanigh

Decimal, I can relate to this so much. I have had to hide my intelligence or ideas to not cause people to look at me differently or to keep them from thinking I am bragging. I still do this around my FOO and in quite a few social circles.

In my opinion, you are not too different or unrelatable at all. Actually you are quite the opposite in my experience. It can be intimidating to share some of the philosophical insight because it feels at firs time like no one will understand, I totally get that. I think this place would be accepting and caring about those words. There is never an obligation to post but I think this is a safe space to post that kind of progress if you ever wanted to.

I hope this was helpful, although I am not sure it will be.  Thank you for all of your wonderful responses and posts here Decimal.  :hug:

Sceal

I had a friend (had, because we lost contact as life continued in our seperate countries) who were born a genious, as they say. He got into uni at the age of 15. Because he was far more superior intelligence wise than his classmates, and he got bored at school. School didn't matter to him. I knew him before he turned 15, and after. He's about 5 years younger than I, I think. I can't quite tell. But emotionally his maturity hadn't levelled out with his intelligence. I've read, that is often the case with children who has above average intelligence. And that they often feel isolated because of it. You're not alone in this.

I think, that if you just tell your life as it is. As how you experience it, it's good enough. It's what any and all of us can do. You might be asking different questions than some of us. Maybe due to your intelligence, maybe due to your indvidual experience or maybe both.
Regardless, it is useful to ask questions no one else is asking.
There might be people who doesn't dare to ask them, and keep them close to their hearts. And there might be people who had never even thought of the curious question.  Questions are wonderful things, they can lead to more knowledge. More knowledge can lead to greater understanding and more questions. It's like a spiral. But sometimes, it is greatly helpful to get other people's perspective.

P.S I think making contact and meaningful and wholehearted connections with people is something we all struggle with in modern day time. Perhaps, it was something that we've always yearned and wanted and not always been able to achieve.

DecimalRocket

#194
Thanks you two.  :hug:

Elpha— you did help. Relating to someone is comforting for me.

Sceal, I guess we're all different somehow, but we all share a common humanity together, huh? Well, I guess it's nice to remember that my own abilites have their good side too.

Sorry, I don't have as much inner resources to go visit how you're all doing these days, but I wish anyone reading this the best.

.....


My teachers once said I'd be put in an accelerated program if I wasn't so easily stressed. Now I'm beginning to think I'm getting to this terrible balance where I'm not stressed enough to be incredibly bored in classes, and stressed enough to still be grieving in sadness over painful flashbacks.

When my mind was more anxious, it felt deeply terrible, but the intellectual challenge of having to be constantly aware of my mind's intricacies were at least interesting.

Many of what I listen to in class are things I've already read on my own a long time ago, and the things I don't know are often just frustratingly boring facts to memorize instead of novel opportunites for critical thinking and problem solving.  When they do the latter, they often pair me up with crowded group settings that overwhelm my noise sensitivity — which was bad enough to be diagnosed as a disorder. I'm not smart at everything, but even my weaknesses are starting to become less and less challenging.

My greatest will to live comes from learning, and without it, life becomes much more meaningless.

Sigh — for now I'll just cope with really interesting books to bring to class, and sneakily googling more challenging things on my tablet under the table.

I miss being afraid. I miss being confused. I miss being lost.

Because only then could ideas be discovered.

....

I have something what I call "Researcher's intuition" where I tend to have a good sense of what the best questions are to ask, the best resources to look for information and a feeling of when essential information is missing. This time, it led me to a certain story.

It told a story of a king who sought to rule the world in power, might and intelligence. While waiting for the next battle preparations, he asked his servants to send him all the national leading champions of the most complex strategy games. He beat all the champions except one, a young blind girl. He taught all humans were the same, but this girl surprised him intellectually . . . and emotionally. When told she would die if she'll lose, she didn't fear death, because from being from a poor family, not being the national champion meant death from poverty. He apologized, then as they played, he'd slowly come to enjoy the girl's presence, and the girl enjoys his.

In battle, the king was poisoned and he was about to die, and requested one last match with the girl, bowing down to the people who took hostage of her. He told her she won't die anymore if she lost, and she said if she won, all she wanted was another match. After all the effort, he lost to the girl again. He died not caring about conquering the world anymore -- the exact reasons why he'll never understand.

Hahaha. I smiled. Reminds me of a certain someone. . .

I live for something new now. I live to lose.