[Gwyon]

I'm going to take a leap of faith here...

This morning I am experiencing my recurring EF of vulnerability, shame, and grief.  And it is a classic pattern triggered by starting to interact on this forum. I suspect most of you will recognize the pattern: i'm happy to find the community, I start posting thinking i'm doing it in all sincerity and openness (and to a large extent i am), and then I wait anxiously for responses, and realize that -- as per usual -- what I am really seeking is validation and connection, and when it doesn't come quite in the form I need then I start the inner shaming of "well of course, you aren't worthy of that. all these other folks may be, but you're not".  And of course I know intellectually this is not true, and I'm doing my "inner work" to process the emotional flashback.  But it is a common pattern, and insidious -- the very act of trying to connect, needing to connect, leads to a shamful rebound when I don't get what i think I need.  and of course, only I can give myself that. It's a catch-22 that I often struggle with.  Do other's recognize this pattern, and this catch-22 of engaging with others?

[Three Roses]

Oh boy, do I ever recognize this! At first I craved the feedback and sucked the life out of every word written in response to one of my posts. Now it feels better, I'm not so anxious. Thanks for being here and posting!

[woodsgnome]

andrewc wondered: "Do others recognize this pattern, and this catch-22 of engaging with others?"

For me, it's a very pronounced characteristic, even here where it's demonstrably safer. There isn't a post I enter or respond to that I don't halfways expect a put-down such as "you're a fool to say that" or some other invalidation. Sadly, this did happen here once, but not worth revisiting.

Still, it's like I expect to be put-down, fiercer than any mere critical remark; the 'who am I to say?' syndrome is always there. Usually it ends with a sigh of relief when it doesn't happen. Bottom line, I have a horrible fear of being misunderstood. I know the why (my lifelong story), but I'm also trying to craft a new life out of the rubble. As you note, it's a work in progress. I'm trying hard to reach the stage of saying 'yeah, I used to be that way.' Not there yet.

You're not alone in this, andrewc. 

[Gwyon]

Thank you ThreeRoses and woodsgnome! I was just reaching the panic phase and looking for how I could delete my "pathetic post" 

[Three Roses]

 
Yup I get that too!

[ah]

You're definitely not alone.
I'm glad you didn't delete it

[sanmagic7]

i once, over a year ago, posted here about being a 'validation' junkie.  i think it's quite common.  at times, i still get anxious about if i said too much, if i'm going to get kicked out of here, or some other horrible consequence of my posting.   it's not as bad as it was, but it still gets to me at times.

i'm glad you didn't delete your post - in all the posts i've read or written, i've never seen any reference to any of them being 'pathetic'.  we're all in the same boat, we're often looking to 'get it right' both in life and in this forum, and, i'm glad to say, i've found more validation here than anywhere ever.

sending you a hug filled with confidence and knowing you're ok. 

[Gwyon]

Yes, being a "validation junkie" nails it perfectly. Thank you!

[Gwyon]

Now I feel safe here. Thank you all so much. 

[Three Roses]

 

[Kizzie]

Not pathetic at all, nope. I actually think you were quite brave to say how you felt.   

It does get easier as you go along or at least it did for me so keep on posting!   

[JamesG]

very familiar

after much counselling it was really obvious that it was all about putting right the persistent negative reinforcement that had poured at me from my brother. That plus the negativity that that then made occur in the world beyond the family and hey presto, that's a lifetime of doubt right there. The mind craves reassurance and validation because what it has experienced is an aberration, but the more you want it, the more it hurts when it kicks back. The world is full of people who love to reinforce doubt and insecurity, people who delight in telling you that everything you feel is insecurity you choose to have, or problems you have invented.

I have chosen to kick back at this nonsense and take my place at the table and to stick two fingers up (I'm British) at these malign forces. We are entitled to talk, to be wrong, to be emotional, to use conversation and narrative to explore our feelings and help process these painful experiences. Of course we are.

Let rip, we are listening.

[AncientSoul]

Gwyon:

One of the most freeing things with being on this forum, in my opinion, is being able to say what is on your mind and having such things "validated" by others who truly understand.

I believe we all often feel guilt within ourselves with our feelings and thoughts. Often we feel alone, that no one understands and that no one will listen. Worst of all, that no one cares.

There will always be people that will make fun, bully, call us worthless and weak. It takes time for us to learn that they are not our problem, they are their own problem with their thoughts. But we learn to react to any actions they may take to hurt us, and we learn to defend ourselves and protect ourselves. Our validation here is the understanding. Our strength is the acceptance by those here. Our healing comes in many forms, and what is right for us and what works for us.

I'm on my usual soapbox again, but I thank everyday for this forum and to be able to use it safely when I feel the need. I often wonder if the things I myself say may trigger or hurt someone. I never want to do that, but then again, I realize if I do say something hurtful, others are free to challenge me.

Keep posting and be well.

AncientSoul

[Costa]

Gwyon thank you for sharing this with us. Ironically, I was going to write a post and refrained from doing so because I was feeling the exact same catch-22. To procrastinate I began reading other posts in the forum and came across yours. Very glad you were unsuccessful in deleting it As the other members mentioned, it's very normal for you to feel this way when you're expressing your thoughts and feelings. It's very brave of you to reach out and share in light of how triggering it was for you. For what it's worth, it has inspired me to do the same

Please continue to share your thoughts and feelings. I second JamesG comment: "Let rip, we are listening."