Bigger picture still eluding me

[deptofhearts]

Hi everyone! so glad for this forum....
Its been dawning on me how vast my trauma and response to stress and life in general is. I have always been really confused and forgetful about my childhood - baffled, unsure etc... Just when i thought the (multiple) sexual abuse were the source of my troubles I started seeing my solo mother's neglect of me - the lack of parenting, coaching and connection and it stretches as far as the eye can see. She tried, did her best but her apparent contempt of me shaped my view of myself.

I didn't know my pain level, didn't know what anxiety was, didn't know how to say no, didn't recognise when I was uncomfortable, had no idea about a sense of 'self". I avoid people coz I can't seem to set boundaries and close off a conversation - too aware of their feelings which seem more important than any of mine. Too vague and willing to just see what happens without taking control etc etc...lots and lots of doormat symptoms. I have just figured out what Pete Walker means by "abandonment melange" and thats what I feel so frequently. Another of those slowly coming back to self-awareness moments, recognising that. Its like I missed a whole subject in school, and know nothing of whats going on with me. I was diagnosed with c-ptsd 4 years ago, such a help.

Back to my mother - she couldn't let me say no to her and would go super cold, shut me out if I tried to set my identity or question things, state my needs - as a kid does. Her own mum had some crazy seasonal disorder - clinical depression half the year every year and was full of harsh judgement, sulky huffy looks and thinly hidden insults. My Nana died last year - she helped to raise me when my mum was dealing with her violent ex husband in the courts... and took me in during her second marriage breakup... and I adored my Nana, hated her too at the same time - she was so affectionate yet cruel to me, said I was the most like her yet was so jealous of me, would shoot me a look like a mean girl out of a teenage movie. Grieving her was so hard with these mixed emotions. Still don't understand what her problem was.

Anyways, she did a number on my mum. Mum told me just after my wedding she "never chose me, I chose her" - part of some  toxic spiritual theory she still adheres to - conveniently absolving her of any responsibility of mothering. She believes her sister (2 years older) was her mother in a former life and has told her that - and adjusted their relationship to fit that belief. I am shaking my head even now... grasping for logic, none to be had. And she's a successful salesperson, seems together.

Growing up, my mum taught me hardly anything. She just didn't talk, I knew on some level she was traumatised herself, but still I never felt wanted. My dad beat her severely in the stomach when she was 9 months pregnant with me to make her miscarry and she has told me she spent months deep depression when I was born, and thus begins the attachment disorder. Now it seems the only thing she feels all unconditional love-like for is her animals. So now we live the other side of the world, and we haven't been back for 3 years. I love her so much though, its really really hard to do this, I can't confront her again - her words when they come are like a knife.

I am tired of feeling hypervigilant/invisible and unwanted all the time - I have an adorable family (4 kids) of my own and an amazing husband. He wears a lot of disconnection, and is so strong - deserve so much more love than I can give him. I wish I could find and afford a therapist, but we just can't do it right now, I feel the necessity though.

Thanks for the venting space, its a little all over the place but am sure you get the idea.

[Three Roses]

Hi - no insight or anything to add, but I wanted you to know you were heard. Really interesting about her spiritual beliefs, and your insights about them. Good to hear from you. 

[sanmagic7]

hey,

yeah, the more i keep learning/realizing, the broader the expanse of this c-ptsd beast in my life.  like you, i had no sense of self, didn't even begin understanding that till i was in my 50's.   it's really difficult to float thru life full of confusion and misunderstanding.  it's like i never knew the rules.

i'm glad you were able to vent.  i have no doubt that as you continue in your recovery, you will 'recover' you, a piece/step at a time.  thankfully you have such a wonderful family around you.  i'm really glad for that, too.

i hope you can take it easy on yourself.  altho i may finally have a therapist in a couple of weeks, this place has helped me so very much with recognition, realization, and healing on its own.  big hug to you.  hang tough - we're hangin' right beside you.   

[Dee]

I was also never allowed to say no to my mother.  I was such an obedient child, I did what everyone told me, regardless.  I struggle greatly with boundaries to this day.  It is a constant subject of therapy for me.  My lack of boundaries has led to re-victimization over and over again.

I have read the book "Boundaries; Where You End and I Begin."  I have read it twice and plan to make it an annual read as a reminder.

I am happy to hear you have an adorable family.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Its like I missed a whole subject in school, and know nothing of whats going on with me.

Oh so relatable. But I suppose that's what happens when your parents don't really teach you how to manage emotions or stress or anything. :\ It sucks.

My dad beat her severely in the stomach when she was 9 months pregnant with me to make her miscarry and she has told me she spent months deep depression when I was born

That sounds terrible! My goodness. If it's any consolation, I'm sure your family are grateful to have you, your loving husband - and I'm glad you're here too! ^-^
I hope you can afford a therapist as soon as possible!

[deptofhearts]

thanks all you amazing peoples, such heart warming and kind responses. SO good to know you are not alone. I have been obsessively paranoid about posting here or anywhere about anything as am mega guarded, but here does feel a safe space with room to heal in some way  hurrah for small steps!
Sanmagic - weehoo  -I hope your therapist is a great match, we're hangin' right beside you too.
Dee - thanks, i will check out the boundaries book - I have heard of it, but to get a recommendation from someone on here means a lot.
three roses - thanks! nice to hear from you!
AphoticAtramentous - yes, indeed true... and I know my family are glad to have me, rough patches and all, phew!

[Piou]

I know I say this a lot but reading some of you guys posts makes me realize just how much of what i struggle with today is due to this high stress, zero guidance, lonely, alienating childhood.

I empathize with you so much.

[Hope66]

Hi Deptofhearts,
I haven't read all of what you wrote, but I have read some of it, and I relate to several things you've said - and especially about the unusual belief system your sister had - about being another person in another life - that is very similar to my own sister's beliefs - and I've found it very hard to comprehend it - infact I'm currently in 'lapsed' contact with my own sister - because I can't handle her belief system - and she keeps 'pushing' it onto me in various ways.
Anyway, I just wanted to say I relate to things you've said - and I hope that you'll gradually expand your knowledge to grasp some of that bigger picture - I find that as I find more pieces of the jig-saw for myself, so it begins to take shape.
Sorry - I feel as if I'm not making sense - I'm trying to express that I relate to things you've said.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

and especially about the unusual belief system your sister had - about being another person in another life - that is very similar to my own sister's beliefs - and I've found it very hard to comprehend it

Dept of hearts and Hope,

I had a therapist who pushed this line - about being another person in another life. So - the theory was - my M and B did bad things to me because in a previous life I might eg have been M's M and mistreated her. Not that my T pedalled this at the beginning otherwise I wouldn't have stayed with her. Bit by bit it came out though. I took a long time to recover from that T.

[sanmagic7]

how horrible, blueberry.  o, the damage t's have wrought.  i just don't get it.

[deptofhearts]

yikes Blueberry, am aghast that came out of your THERAPISTS mouth. sposed to be a safe place.... hopefully not a practising T anymore. Anyways, its garbage - a horrible twist on the truth, illogical and grasping for some sense when the facts are: people just do really bad things.
thanks for sharing, sad but good to know I am not the only one impacted by this in an already vulnerable state. XXXX