Fighting the "good" fight.

[lovingthegirl]

I struggle with suicidal ideation on most days when I am feeling stressed. I wish I understood what triggered these thoughts better. I never make plans for killing myself but sometimes I visualize it occurring, what I might use, who might care, etc. Ultimately I do not act on these thoughts. I have had healthcare professionals ask whether I am going to harm myself or others and I always say no, but it can't be good that I am thinking about it, right? My ideation always passes when circumstances improve in my life but it can be so rough when I am experiencing it, it can feel scary at times, and I feel very alone when I have these thoughts, which really doesn't help. Add to that the economic uncertainty I I am facing and my stress level goes up. I sometimes wonder if the reason employers keep rejecting me (firing me for having symptoms) is because they hope I will opt out of life. Are they sending me a message that my kind (the damaged kind) isn't wanted here? I keep wondering. I want to just sleep but I feel so guilty about lying in bed when my partner is at work. I need the rest but I don't want the guilt that goes along with it because of him.

[woodsgnome]

The uninvited visuals that come may not be good in the conventional sense, but they're understandable. As in...thoughts are only thoughts, powerful as they momentarily seem. All of us probably have hundreds of unwanted thoughts per day.

Thoughts aren't necessarily good or bad, or even neutral...they just are. They do not indicate you're not okay to have them, and you express the notion that they have occurred before and yet they didn't lead to anything beyond the thought stage.

I've had periods where these come floating in, too. I sure don't invite or expect them; don't want them, but if I can remember they're only thoughts and that they have always gone past before, I've been able to keep them at bay. It helps to have a therapist or trusted friend but you seemed to indicate that may not be practical right now.

Maybe thoughts are sometimes alternative ways of releasing some of the deep pain. If that's as far as it gets, strange as it seems they may serve as a sort of release valve with no harm other than temporary discomfort.

I'm not sure this is much help, but maybe that's just another of my frequent self-critical thoughts...and are also just thoughts. Here's something that sometimes says it better than any thought or word---- 

[Blueberry]

As someone who gets suicidal ideation, more as thoughts, and pretty awful visuals of self-harm, which I don't carry out, just want to send you     I know how bad the ideation can feel, and how desperate I felt before I ever told anybody about them.

I second woodsgnome's comments - (well-said, woodsgnome, except of course the self-criticism     )

P.S. So nobody on here thinks I'm lying, I do self-harm but not with the awful methods in the visuals which come floating in uninvited.