Understanding the flashback

[nojgin]

Hi
I have recently found out through a series of panic attacks, breakdown and some therapy sessions that I have all the signs of a trauma victim. Life is starting to look very different some good with more awareness that a self hatred I have lived with since I can remember is lifting somewhat. The negative is what I think may be considered emotional flashbacks and at times chronic anxiety. Sleep is a problem.
The frustrating thing is I can't recall childhood in any coherent way. I have an overwhelming desire to know what is causing this, if anything!?
I have very difficult parents who have to have everything on their terms, so this gives me reason to think they could be part of the problem.
If anyone has any advice on what steps to make to help get myself straight and control these feelings that just seem to take over.
I have had secret addictions as well which also make sense now. I seem to be winning on this front, although the urges to numb are still very much there.
Appreciate any perspectives

[Three Roses]

I strongly urge you to not proceed in trying to remember your childhood without professional help. This can be further damaging and in fact happened to me.

Please reach out and find a licensed therapist.

[nojgin]

Thanks, I have started to see a therapist CBT.
They have said about Eye movement therapy as an option. Not really sure about this. Is there no other ways to unlock repressed memory if that's what this is?

[Three Roses]

EMDR is a very effective therapy from what I've heard. It's not without its drawbacks but several of our community here have reported good experiences with it.

There are other treatments but I would strongly recommend you follow your therapist's advice.

[ah]

hi nojgin,

from what I've read so far cbt isn't the therapy of choice for trauma, emdr (eye movements) can help, a therapist knowledgeable in trauma (esp. c-ptsd) is best but hard to come by, but i've also read the technique isn't nearly as important as the contact you have with your therapist. so if they're one of the good ones and you trust each other, you're in good hands already.

in my experience, i totally agree with Three Roses.
repressed memories are kept away for good reason so it's best to touch these things very cautiously. the mechanisms at play are very smart, they're working hard to protect us. if we want to tweak with any of that, it's best to first have new mechanisms in place so we'll be protected when we try to take away the old ones... in a safe environment; with a good therapist you trust and a safety net and new tools that you're learning to replace the old ones. otherwise it can end up a mess.

if not remembering is frustrating but not causing extra problems, sometimes knowing you're a trauma victim and then stopping there without searching for all the details can be the smart move. all repetitive traumas can cause c-ptsd, so no matter what the specifics were you can still heal: you can learn about the brain and c-ptsd, and it may help no matter what the cause. if you've got the symptoms and you fit the criteria then you can try to heal because trauma is physiological. you can work with your body right now. for a traumatized brain, past and present are the same. work on one and it'd maybe influence the other.

some therapists say you need to remember everything to make any deep changes, but many disagree. in my experience, the things i do remember are so hard i'd give ANYTHING to have repressed them like the rest. i'm grateful i don't remember! i've kind of decided to leave the things i don't remember as they are.

[nojgin]

Thanks
That's very helpful perspectives.
It certainly doesn't help having the imagination running wild. I've already come up with weird and wonderful things that could have happened to me.

This situation has effected the relationship with my parents, as I'm now not jumping to their wishes and constant need for attention. I see them very differently. I'm angry with them, but it is frustrating not knowing really all the reasons why I'm angry?! They are a huge trigger though and this I find hard. The phone rings and I don't want to answer it. Sad I know...

Can't choose your parents! So I suppose I just try and make the best of the situation.

I do find the whole episode bloody weird
Just need to find me again (or for the first time?) .