Protecting myself

[sanmagic7]

they had better get used to a more assertive blueberry, indeed!  you go, girl.

this whole thing of expecting more out of you/me than of themselves irks me no end.  i had a friend once (my sister as well) who would always, as in always, be late.  i was always expected to wait for her, go according to her schedule, allow this, what amounted to rudeness, and be ok with it.  oh, that's just 'a', sort of thing.

i think i brought it up to someone who told me that was very passive/aggressive hostility, a way to maintain a form of control in the relationship.   to blatantly ignore the fact that i would hustle to be ready at the time agreed upon which was a form of respect, is really not ok. 

i suspect there may be something similar going on with your friend, blueberry.  if you don't meet her demands as to a place to meet that serves her better, then she won't meet at all?  where's the respect in that?  sorry if i'm seeming harsh, it just brought back those old memories in a rush, and how much i didn't like it, but just 'took' it.

i think assertive blueberry might show up more often in order to see the reality of this relationship.  it also sounded controlling to me that she wouldn't accept email or other forms of communication when you asserted yourself.  if it was ok when she was getting her way, why isn't it ok when she isn't?

just some thoughts that came to my mind.  don't know if any of them pertain.  i hope you get it sorted out for yourself, but i'm sure you will, one way or another.  warm, loving, respectful hug to you, sweetie.

[Blueberry]

Thank you for your comments, san, and your praise!

I'm actually somebody who tends to be on the late side    I used not to be but idk it's sometimes really difficult for me to get out of the house.

She wasn't willing to meet me in the town of L. because too far, she has a long train trip the next day etc. etc. That's OK for me actually, but not her being annoyed. It's a two-sided thing. There was no compromise possible, so that means both of us were 'at fault' for not being able to meet up.

She and many others see email and voicemail as not as quick as phoning, she'd never thought that it could be different. Well, now she knows.

I would say there are friendships  or relationships with acquaintances which are in a worse state than this one 

I'm just working bit by bit on this type of topic. I'll see where I get with it, how many people I drop on the way... I'll also see how much B. is willing to change with time.

I also noticed today when I spoke to her on the phone that I was almost apologetic - my voice got very small - that I was going out tonight, having fun at Carnival. I think that's my thing not hers, but it's good to notice.

I'm making progress, that's the main thing. 

[Blueberry]

 I had a pretty short night but I often do when realisations are coming up.

I think you're right san, there are a few things amiss in this friendship. I was making excuses for B. Justifying and so on.

I have another friend with whom I often check and confirm plans via email. So it's not impossible or completely unusual or anything. Oh, there I go, defending myself again.

I'm remembering that she hasn't been willing to compromise on the subject of town for at least 6 years. That's pretty long.

[Blueberry]

B. questioned my 'priorities' of earning some more money and having time for a client who needs a lot in the next two weeks, but who also gets sick a lot, which she can't help any more than we on here all can, or than B. can Because my client gets sick, she needs makeup appointments, fast. Those two weeks... I think my priorities would be wrong if I put B. first in this case, actually. It's not as if I'm a total workaholic who never has time for friends. On the contrary.

I won't be telling B. that I spent a long time on here this evening and that I'm a bit triggered and that that might have made going off to meet up with her tomorrow difficult. She'd question the priority of the forum and my moderating here. But not for me, no, that would be for herself because of wanting something from me. I'm a reliable type of person, mostly. It's my job, I do it to the best of my ability, whether it's volunteer or not.

My thoughts sound kind of harsh to me, but they're important. It's all progress.

I'm also totally OK on the amount of time and energy I spent moderating (and some posting for myself) this evening. It's my call, not anybody else's! Had I been going to meet up with B. tomorrow, probably something would have backfired or I would have had to 'drop' something. Whether moderating or enjoying an evening Carnival event I've had a ticket to since before B. suggested we meet Saturday.

[sanmagic7]

assertive blueberry seems to be coming out to shine.

[Blueberry]

I think you're right san, there are a few things amiss in this friendship. I was making excuses for B. Justifying and so on.

You're still right san!
a) The fact that I haven't managed to send a condolence card yet speaks volumes. There's something getting in the way, something else needs to be said.
b) The friendship has been 'too close', too intense, too many phone calls, too often. I haven't got back to her and it's doing me good.

Some of this = realisations, but some is progress. Even the realisations are progress!

[Blueberry]

radical wrote:
"You give a lot, I already knew that from your contributions here."
Thanks for writing that. Hard to believe, but I'm trying to. FOO's messages sit deep and they say the opposite.

The big progress here is that FOO's messages are no longer sitting so deep.  It's no longer hard for me to believe that I give a lot in friendships. 

I gave this 'friend' a lot. I'd be OK from now on with just seeing her about town and saying 'hello' but not much else.

It's been interesting for me to read back in this thread, seeing my own progress and seeing comments from radical, 3Roses and san. You were right all three of you, time I dropped this friend.

In Jan. she wrote a reply to my letter of Dec. but I didn't open it till yesterday. I was giving other issues in my life priority. Which is good because when I read her letter there was just more of her incomprehension. Discussing what a trigger is  A trigger could be 'bad' or it could be just a little thing that's not really a problem, and she was assuming the latter in my case.    I'm not even annoyed or angry. Writing out the bit about the triggers, it's so ridiculous I'm laughing!

Then she circled a sentence in my letter to her, saying that was cynical and she has to protect herself from my cynicism by not contacting me again. There's still a tiny bit in me that wants to engage and argue back and say things like "pot kettle black" and "how come you're completely innocent in all this?? Don't you notice you're blaming me again?" but the bit in me that wants to engage is much, much smaller than it used to be.  I won't engage though. In fact the bit in me that wants to tear up her letter and my letter that she enclosed with hers is much stronger. I'm going to heed the want-to-tear-it-up bit and do so. 

[sanmagic7]

love you, blueberry.  rip, tear, shred - that's all to the good.

dang, why we have to stay till they push us over the edge before we get out!  i've done that in 3 marriages, and countless relationships/friendships. 

i'm glad you were able to laugh, and that those old messages were becoming quieter and quieter so that you could hear your 'self' instead.  well done, sweetie.  well done, indeed.  hug filled with laughing along side you.

[Blueberry]

Actually in this case I don't feel as if I stayed until she pushed me over the edge. I was actually pretty much done when I wrote that last letter. With her response she is merely confirming that my being done with her was a sensible move on my part. My being ready to tear up her letter is a sign of how done I am. Not tearing up to deal with anger but to end this thing once and for all.

I may have written this already but I never thought that being on the road to healing from CPTSD would bring about a change in friendships too. Never realised how unhealthy some of them were / are.

[Andyman73]

Blueberry,
I'm sorry that you had to let go of this friend, and even more sorry that said friend took so much more from you than she ever gave.  I don't know if I ever knew anyone that gave to me like that. I've always been the one to compromise or go along with them. Maybe that helped me be abused so much too.  Or is because I was. Don't know.

[Blueberry]

Thanks Andyman!

It's unclear, but I was writing about 2 different friends. One of them, B., did actually give a lot but sometimes the wrong things. Maybe presents e.g. but then didn't accept my autonomy. Although she did help and support me emotionally quite a lot but I did to her too. That was definitely a two-way street. I still haven't dealt with the issue.

But the other friend is no longer a friend and is completely out of my life.

[Andyman73]

Blueberry,
Sometimes who we think are friends, turn out to be just...friends of the moment, or friends in relation to a shared interest. Like work friends...friends at work, but away from work, not really. The only time I ever associated with any work friends, away from work, was when I was in the Marines. I lived with some of them...so...it was easier to be friends away from work that way.

I did hang around with one Marine who many others thought was not a good person, but I never saw that side of him. I guess he just rubbed them the wrong way.  I never felt anything beyond genuine friendship, as much was we could be. But when he got out of the Marines and moved back home, our friendship ended.

I do hope things will go better with your other friend, even if that relationship is over, as well. A better parting I wish for you.