Andyman's journal/story/whatever/collection of random thoughts out of the ether.

[Andyman73]

Hey e'erbody! How ya'll doin? I am just gonna start writing stuff here bit by bit, see what crawls out of the darkness between my ears.

Okay, gonna go with a few stats..as of now I am 44 years old. Been married over 18 years to the only person I had an actual relationship with. And it's been a doozy.

TRIGGER WARNING TRIGGER WARNING TRIGGER WARNING; mentions various abuse, CSA/R/CPA/ASA/APA and DV of all kinds and flavors.

Without realizing it, I chose her to punish me. I needed it in the worst possible way. She has been an overachiever in that role. This past January something cracked and something crawled out of the vast darkness that resides between my ears, and keeps my head in a nice non-scary head shaped shape.

It was a memory of being groomed and sa by a male predator, 2X, while I was a young man serving in the U.S. Marines.  That memory exploded in my head like a nuclear device! Literally!!! Everything associated with that memory hit all at the exact same second!  Since that time.....I've had more...so so much more....only saving grace is every new memory has come gently, like a piece of driftwood left by a receding wave on the shore.

So...I now know that my earliest known abuse happened before I was 3 years old...still potty training. In just over a 2 year period I was abused...csa/r by 4 male abusers...2 teen boys and 2 grown men. The 4th of that group set in motion a chain of events that culmated with mommy dearest CPA me for the next 6 years, till I was 11 years old. Daddy dearest contributed about 3% in the cpa.

I'm going to stop here. It's too much...

[sanmagic7]

my heart is with you, andy, i hope you know that.  to have gone thru so much from such a young age is horrible, to say the least.   what strength you have shown to still be here.  i know there's more to this story, more horrors (from other posts).   you are an inspiration to us all to have made it through. 

i'm so glad you're here and you've begun to unload.  it's not easy, that's for sure.  i hope you can be kind to yourself, gentle with and nurturing of yourself, as much as possible.  that's what you deserve, not punishment.   you show the heart and guts of being a marine, a man, and a human being.  thank you.   sending you a hug filled with compassion and love. 

[Andyman73]

Sanmagic7,

Thank you for you kind words.
Struggling a bit atm,  seems my faulty memory got me in trouble again.  I always try to graciously accept the consequences of what ever I may have done. I wish I could remember so I could learn from my mistakes.   At home, I think wife gaslights me all the time...well, she did admit recently, that she withholds information from me all the time. 
More often than not, I just play dumb, it's so much safer, at home, Work, social settings.  I've learned the more I talk, the more trouble I make for myself. There really must be something wrong with me. So many aspects of life where my opinions or thoughts are disregarded more often than not, just leaves me confused and lost. Almost got in real trouble in the Marines because of forgetting. 
How do you not get in trouble when you can't even remember?

[Three Roses]

 

[Andyman73]

Thank you for the hug. I really appreciate it.

[Andyman73]

Truth is....joke's on me. See, when I was little, I was always getting into trouble for what I was remembering. Worst of it was during the 6 year stretch of CPA. Everything I said was wrong. Either remembered it wrong, never happened or it fantastical to be true. This doesn't even take into account frequent episodes of Deja vu or lost time.

Then I graduated high school, joined the Marines....thus changing the role my memory would play in my life. Very quickly I started getting in trouble for forgetting. Got written up a few times, while in the Marines, for forgetting one thing or another.  Then met wife.  Chose her unknowingly to be my personal punisher....just like mommy used to do.
Then my memory really started getting me in trouble. Though I suppose some was just her gaslighting me.
Been fortunate enough that I haven't forgotten myself into serious trouble.  Forget stuff at my job, at home, and even online, both here and another online community. 

[sanmagic7]

andy, if your memories were continually shot down in terrible ways as a kid, i think it would be only normal that that part of your mind would have faulty wiring.  along with a belief system about being 'wrong' all the time, to my mind it would be quite easy to fall into a pattern of not remembering quickly.

enter a gaslighting partner to reinforce through deceit, deception, and withholding the idea that your memory is faulty, well, it's been like a tag team match, but you had no partner to give you a break and get your wits about you.   as we've learned here, the brain has a plasticity about it which means it can re-wire itself given the nurturing, loving, kind, and caring messages we needed but were deprived of.

you know what you know, andy.  it's difficult to act on partial or mis-information and have things come out all right.  as you get further into recovery, i believe you'll be able to trust your memory more and more, and it will begin to serve you well.  the more you surround yourself with positive, accepting people, the easier you'll be able to see it.  sending you a big hug filled with self-trust and loving care. 

[Andyman73]

Sanmagic7,

Yeah, but it continued till 4 years ago. That was the last time I remember my parents telling me I remember stuff wrong, or over-embellish my memories.  So..from that one source, that spanned 36 years or so.

I hope my brain can rewire and reroute and regroup.

I wonder, though, about all the missing time and stuff I don't remember. While I do expect some relief and recovery to occur, after I leave my abusive wife, I'm mostly just looking forward to the abuse stopping.  I really really appreciate your loving care filled big hug! 

[ah]

 

I wish I could give you back your brain intact, without any of the pain that it holds for you. Just do magic, take away the bad things and give you yourself as you could have been. But to be honest, from where I'm standing you're such a special person here and now. Pain hasn't dimmed that one bit.
No more abuse sounds like a very good deal to me.

As for keeping out of trouble when you don't remember, well... just between you and me, playing dumb has worked for me but only with people I couldn't talk to, if it was a safe or a good enough friend then I said "oh, memory... so sorry" and took a deep breath. Then another, and another... I'm in awe that after all you've been living through your entire life, you're who you are now. That's not to be taken for granted.
Your brain has done such a good job at protecting you so far, from the outside it may seem odd to have memory problems but it's the most sane, healthy response imaginable to an insane situation.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Blueberry]

Well-put ah!

[DecimalRocket]

I agree with Ah here.

Just wanted to send a quick support hug.

[Andyman73]

AH..... you brought tears to my eyes, dear friend... that is so so wonderful what you said. 

Tried playing dumb, just makes more trouble...she thinks I'm stupid, and worlds biggest jerk. She knows I have memory issues, been tested and confirmed. Dr actually said I was borderline mentally disabled due to cognitive memory issues. But she refuses to believe and accept that. Says I'm doing it on purpose. But then she gaslights me all the time...taking advantage of my dysfunctional memory. 

Sanmagic7, thank you.
Blueberry, thank you
DecimalRocket, thank you 

Had t on Monday, discussed non-memory things...not sure what to call it...finding I did something with absolutely no knowledge or memory associated with it at all. Very disconcerting...forgetting feels like it was there but now isn't. But these things....it's like someone else must have done them, but had to be me, because only I could do them. I don't know...lost in my own mind I suppose....

[Andyman73]

Had a rather strong EF yesterday...was overwhelmed with the sense of dread and fear of punishment.  Won't say what the trigger is...but cause in doing so...will trigger it again.  How do you talk about something, when talking about it..well, writing it on here, will just trigger me again. I can't talk about it on the other community either...for the same exact reason.  I feel trapped with this. Guess it don't really matter...got triggered anyway, just by writing here what I did write.

It's holding me hostage. I'm not assuming that it will cause problems...I've already discovered that it will, on the other community. I was talking in hypotheticals even, to try to keep it as neutral as possible. 

TRIGGER WARNING CPA

I know where it comes from....but I have no idea how to stop it. It originates from when I was being CPA by my mother from age 5 to 11.  I was always in trouble, for who knows what. Had a lot of dissociations, lost time and such. I remember she said one time that she was going to beat the bad out of me and the fear of God into me. And that was early on..guess it took her 6 years of 4-5 times a week beatings. That 6 year period is mostly gone from memory...really just isn't there, like a blurry dark grey fog.

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry you've been upset. Big, safe hugs to you! You're an important voice in the forum. Hang in there.