Andyman's journal/story/whatever/collection of random thoughts out of the ether.

[sanmagic7]

you're pretty courageous, andy.  writing about it and all.  how horrible for you.  so very sorry you had to re-live it by writing about it.

in the end, did it help to write it?  did you find any relief?  were you able to get any of the poison out?  i'll bet that little boy was plenty mad, as well as hurt and in pain, but could never express it.  no wonder you feel trapped by it.

sending a warm, caring, compassionate hug filled with love, andy. 

[Andyman73]

I'm so sorry you've been upset. Big, safe hugs to you! You're an important voice in the forum. Hang in there.

Thank you. I really appreciate you saying that. 

[Andyman73]

I don't know what I'm doing.  I don't mean writing, mean, in general.

San, you're amazing.

DR, you are quite amazing too.

Yesterday I had a massive EF while at work. Took all my energy not to dissociate. Even so, still messed me up.  Was talking about losing my t in a few more weeks. And facing possibility of being without for some unknown length of time. Also facing the possibility of reduced benefits from the Veterans Affairs, here in the USA. That would be catastrophic, because it is how I can afford t on my own. Coupling that with leaving my wife in a few months and it was too much. It triggered a massive EF with fear of punishment and abandonment.  My littles were scared of being punished, physically, like when I was being cpa by mommy when I was very young.  And abandoned, like when little, some of my csa/r happened after being left or dropped off for various reasons.

I don't know how to reassure them, when I'm just as afraid of what's coming, as they are. I know I won't be physically punished.  But the feeling of being punished by losing t and no new t until this is resolved feels like punishment. And being left out, again, which I've experienced both as a child and an adult.

I don't even know what all I'm feeling, or how to explain what it feels like.  Don't want to say it's bringing urges of SH and thoughts of sui. So, I'm not saying that.

[Three Roses]

Andyman, when I close my eyes and absorb what you've said, I can feel what it would feel like to me to be going thru all that - and I'm glad you're keeping your littles close and safe. Take care of yourself please, you're valuable here. 

[Blueberry]

Here are some  Andyman for you and your little ones.

[ah]

 

I know when we were young, when we felt fear it meant something bad was coming. But this time you're making wise, courageous, right decisions that are meant to bring better things in the future for you and all your little ones. And for everyone related to you. It can be so hard for the little ones to understand... I know.
But sometimes fear doesn't mean something bad comes next. Sometimes it's just very good, very healthy fear, it's the fear that comes before a change is made. It's part of making the change. It's the good kind of fear.
Doesn't feel that way though, not at all. 

Losing your t... that's 

You don't need to explain what you're feeling, just be here even if you have no words at all, no need for them, if there are none that's okay. If it's just raw fear that's okay too... I'll sit here by you and we'll get through it one day at a time.
You're making some amazingly courageous new moves atm, making decisions that are entirely your own, and if you all didn't feel triggered by it all that would really worry me. Seriously! No kidding.

[Andyman73]

Andyman, when I close my eyes and absorb what you've said, I can feel what it would feel like to me to be going thru all that - and I'm glad you're keeping your littles close and safe. Take care of yourself please, you're valuable here. 

3Roses, you may call me Andy or Andrew if you like.  I know there are others here and there, that have a lifetime of abuse too. I haven't met any that have had such long term (42 years) ongoing abuse....except perhaps ah. Besides ah, who is still in it too....don't know anyone who has gotten out and away from a lifetime, 4 decades, that I can talk with and see how it is afterwards.

Honestly 3Roses, I feel like a giant redwood, or a mountain....scorched by countless fires, battered by storms beyond count...adding scars upon scars upon scars. Still here, still standing, still facing the abuse....relief is in sight...at least that's something.

Trying to care for us...



Blueberry,

Thank you so much for the hugs...

[sanmagic7]

here are more            for you, andy.

have you visited the healing porch?  it may be something calming for you, something to help soothe that cutting edge of fear.  you can chat, watch the others, or sit by yourself and just absorb the healing and gentle kindness there.  you're on the edge of making some big changes, and possibly changes being made to you,  so it's no wonder that fear is ruling the roost for the moment.  it's ok - we've all been there and now we're also here with you.  big warm loving hug to you, andy.

[DecimalRocket]

    

[Andyman73]

I know when we were young, when we felt fear it meant something bad was coming. But this time you're making wise, courageous, right decisions that are meant to bring better things in the future for you and all your little ones. And for everyone related to you. It can be so hard for the little ones to understand... I know.
But sometimes fear doesn't mean something bad comes next. Sometimes it's just very good, very healthy fear, it's the fear that comes before a change is made. It's part of making the change. It's the good kind of fear.
Doesn't feel that way though, not at all. 

Losing your t... that's 

You don't need to explain what you're feeling, just be here even if you have no words at all, no need for them, if there are none that's okay. If it's just raw fear that's okay too... I'll sit here by you and we'll get through it one day at a time.
You're making some amazingly courageous new moves atm, making decisions that are entirely your own, and if you all didn't feel triggered by it all that would really worry me. Seriously! No kidding.

ah, thank you so very very much, my dear friend. 
Some of it is out of my control, or sphere of influence...losing the t that is leaving that provider. Then facing the idea of being without till that overlap of treatment inquiry is satisfied...how ever long that may be.  Can't change or effect it in any way, shape, or form...and that is huge...so very very 
Makes me think of a time or two, when I was in the Marines, and out on training excersises, and they ran out of food, before I got any. Was one meal for everybody who's name was on the list. Mine was on the list. But because I didn't rush to the truck and push and shove, like the others, I was last in line, and went with out. This happened 2 separate times. The hunger was no big deal, but being told to suck it up and tough luck, when I did nothing wrong...felt exactly like when my mom would force me to skip meals as punishment. Except these I had paid for out of pocket.  That's how all this makes me feel, being punished just for living and breathing, not because I did wrong.

San,
Thank you so much.  No, I haven't visited the healing porch. Will have to do that.  Yeah, fear..and lots and lots of hurts too. 

DR,
Thank you. 

[sanmagic7]

totally sucks, andy, having been made to feel bad about yourself, be punished/hurt/blamed for something you didn't do.  how is a kid supposed to process that in any meaningful way?  kids believe they are the center of the world, so anything that goes wrong, or is done to them that doesn't make sense to a kid's mind is automatically turned inward.  'it's my own fault, i'm bad, i'm no good, i shouldn't be here' and on and on.

when we're not told or shown differently as kids, we grow up with those messages and believe them cuz they're the only ones we had.  actually, it's the other people where lies the blame, not with the kid, not with the adult who is kind and caring and manipulated by those in power.

i'm hoping you'll eventually get resolution and healing for those messages that were never really yours, but were stacked on top of your own self-care messages when you were too young to push them off.   at your own pace, in your own time, of course.  you've got a lot on your plate to deal with.  keep taking care of you as best you can.  sending a hug filled with peace and love.

[Andyman73]

Thanks, San.  I stopped wondering anymore about 2 or 3 years into that 6 years of cpa from my mom, what I did to deserve it. Not that it mattered anyway. There wasn't anything I was or wasn't doing that really needed to be changed, behavior wise.

I just don't know really. It just went from one authority figure to the next and the next.  And wife been doing it for nearly 22 years. 
Yeah, my plate is more like an overloaded serving platter. I can't really deal with anything but day to day stuff. After I leave wife, then things will start to solidify. And maybe see what happens from there. Love your love filled hugs! 

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, Andy, no special words from me. Just want to say I've listened and proud of the progress you're making.

[ah]

Just want to say I've listened and proud of the progress you're making.

Me too, exactly that.

(Well, actually, I feel this exact same way toward you Decimal, too...)

[Andyman73]

Hey, Andy, no special words from me. Just want to say I've listened and proud of the progress you're making.

DR, thank you so very very much. I really appreciate you just being here and witnessing. That's just as valuable as commenting too. Thank you. 

ah,

Thank you so much.