bleh

[helliepig]

Today just feeling sad and dispirited again.
It's like something heals and I feel better again, and then something more gets triggered and the next wave arrives.
Today I'm feeling bleak about the loneliness that permeates me from my childhood.
I'm starting to get out and about and that feels good because I'm doing it trying to really be present, (whereas before i'd go out and stay defended - almost as if I were just going through the motions and ticking off that I'd done it and feel no better after)
However it doesn't take much to make me feel like it's so pathetic ... spending time with people who take for granted family and belonging or who are discussing their mother cooking for 25 on Christmas day and it hits me how little I have or know of that kind of world, or of anything really.
Likewise people like that wouldn't be able to conceive of my absence or lack of comfort with people, lack of belonging.

I realised yesterday how little I think i'm entitled to really love someone or really be able to trust and relax. It's almost as if somewhere I told myself don't ever love, don't feel, don't need, don't be enough... and I don't. I don't feel it, I can't compute it, I don't get it.
Momentary connections here and there but soon lost in the mire
The concept that I could be among people who love and like me, where I could be enough without doing or saying or being something unacceptable, that life could be safe, is an alien one.

And always when I'm with people I feel like they like and want each other more than they want me. It's a wretched, shameful feeling.

I think I'm waffling. One of those days when you try to describe the bleak winds swirling within but you can't.
Sorry if you're reading this!

[Dee]

I'm glad I read this.  I'm sorry you are having a bleh day for sure.  I am working on loving myself, somewhat so I can recognize what other's like about me.  I get that feeling, it's tough.  If I can see my value then maybe I can see what they value.  I hope that makes sense.

[JamesG]

yeah...bleh

but we are we are hun, and we have to fight upwards. The despair is a habit, it's been put in us. I've grown past that sadness because nothing, no amount of isolation and loneliness can compete with the pain that got me here. Got you here.

I'll level with you, this is never gonna be easy, but we are like slaves, we had a chance to escape and we took it. We were fed as slaves, our pain was a certainty and yes, we'll always sense the shackles but we are free now.

But it's dramatic, its drama, and for all that pain, we are like bullets from a gun. We are full of pent up life. We know the value of life because we have been so robbed of it, we have intensity that not many will ever know.

I won't go back. I don't want it to have been different anymore, I just want the freedom to learn. We have to be our own best friends first and then later, we will live and love again. We are not the only ones to have suffered you know? There are good people out there who have been bitten by different dogs and who need us with all our bite marks just as we need them. The world is not full of Pollyannas, they only say they are happy. To be truly happy, you need to have really felt the opposite, I really believe that.

[helliepig]

Thanks Dee - yes I recognise the value of trying to love myself and how that has to come first. At the moment for me it's just withstanding the feelings without caving in. At least I can say something to the despairing part if it's only yes I hear you I know you're there.
Thanks too James. Yes despair as habit. That's good. I get what you mean. It's just a learned response.
It's profound knowing you guys get what I mean, have suffered and suffer similar, have felt the awful pain. For so long I thought it was my awful cross to bear alone.
I have faith I can change this pain into so much more - overall - it's just in the harsh moments of coming face to face with it when it takes your breath away and undoes all the positive in one ugly sweep where you flounder and despair. Those are the moments to remember you guys and others like us are out there and that there IS love and acceptance in the world, even for me.

You guys rock.