hard to get close to people

[integrity]

Hey everyone,
I have a struggle because I come across as a very open, gregarious person. And i am very extraverted. But I'm chronically lonely. Its because I cant open up to people very easily. Also, I don't know how to make a relationship go closer with a friend. If I hang out with someone and have fun, I sort of get scared of asking them again. I don't want to scare them away or be too pushy or too needy. Even though I'm pretty extroverted and everyone thinks I'm confident, I get a lot of anxiety and it makes me withdraw. Its like having a tug of war inside all the time!

[Gwyon]

I experience this too, but from a slightly different angle. I'm not gregarious or extroverted, but I am curious and caring and long for connection. But I end up at a similar place:

I get a lot of anxiety and it makes me withdraw

....plus the anxiety typically leads to disociating and shutting down.

[woodsgnome]

I'm naturally introverted but don't have to be. As a one-time improv actor, I overcame some of the shyness and seemed outgoing to many who quickly found out I was the opposite offstage. It bugged me too, but past a certain point it seemed my deep-seated fear of people couldn't be overcome. My behaviour created a vicious want/don't want cycle.

While I appreciate my need for solitude, I also value going the other way with people and situations I think I might be comfortable with and/or would find good rapport with. But it seems I can only successfully reach out so far before I withdraw into my fine-tuned bubble. Sometimes I feel like I might be the friendliest hermit on the planet--lots seem to like me but I also have difficulty accepting that and  attempts to establish rapport inevitably fizzle. The result is almost invariably another fade-out.   

I used to listen to the inner critic's take that see, I really am the bad person I was raised to believe I was. I've stopped listening, and all I've decided is to keep being my best, minus expectations, and just be me.

[integrity]

Gwyon, yes I get the dissociation sometimes roo from anxiety.
Woodsgnome, you've described is so familiar... The fizzle and fadeout...
I've been trying to open up to people more and selected a couple of people I thought I could be vulnerable with... Today I texted a friend at church (the pastors wife who leads my small group) because I keep missing church because I start crying and panicking on the way. Not sure why yet. But I thought i should be honest and let her know what s going on. My text wasn't needy I don't think. It was very matter of fact and acknowledged that she's going through as well. And she hasn't even acknowledged the text. Now I don't know what to do. I feel so ashamed and I don't know how I'm going to look her in the eye now. I thought when you made yourself vulnerable it was meant to help you get closer to people. But I just feel like it's pushed me further away. I'm too needy and no one wants to deal with it. Or too broken. I don't know. I feel really betrayed.

[BlancaLap]

I have anxiety too. You're not alone.

[integrity]

I have anxiety too. You're not alone.

[CreativeCat]

I feel this way too- and I don't think anyone other than my husband would ever really know, which adds to the loneliness.

I've made sense of it by reading stuff about attachment. I think I have a disorganised attachment style which means I want closeness but I'm incredibly vigilant to any signs of danger/ emotional intrusion/engulfment.

At the moment I'm try to focus on being vulnerable and showing my authentic self - which I hope will get easier! The books and podcasts by Brene Brown have been really helpful for me- I would highly recommend :-)

[marti.325]

It's so clear to me from the outside that when people here describe other people's reactions to - or non-reactions - to them that it's not the fault of the recipient! It's others' inability to engage and respond! If people have compassion and self-knowledge they will respond in ways that continue the relationship on whatever level is there! I'm so mad that there are less and less instances where this the case. I'm going through something myself where I'm really, really tired of this one person I've tried to connect with for years. I get a hook and then I reach out to get together. Nothing substantial comes back. The last time we got together, I think she must've felt sorry for me for expressing some loneliness during the pandemic on FB. In the decade or more that we've been aware of each other (with accolades from her, expressions of affection, and exclamations of how she likes me), we've gotten together, one-on-one, exactly TWICE!. This last email reaching out , her response was vague. I really want to write her and let her know I'm done. I see that it's really her inability (and dissociated state) and has nothing to do with me. I'm just sad. 

[BeeKeeper]

Hi marti.325,

In the decade or more that we've been aware of each other (with accolades from her, expressions of affection, and exclamations of how she likes me), we've gotten together, one-on-one, exactly TWICE!.

This hits home. It's so confusing to receive words, but not presence. And it just makes the loneliness worse.

If people have compassion and self-knowledge they will respond in ways that continue the relationship on whatever level is there!

I believe you've said this exactly right. The challenge is to keep searching and looking, despite low energy, discouragement, and disappointment. Eventually, someone is going to surprise you-in a good way.

[marti.325]

Hi BK, Thanks so much for your reply. I haven't been here for awhile and am still learning to navigate around the site for responses.
Yes, words are baits from some people.
Anyway, Thanks.