Does it ever just seem like too many things have happened?

[caroline]

I have 3 main abusers, some of it was in childhood, one in teens and one from 17 to 24.

I also remember 3 other people who have touched me when/when they shouldn't to actual sex.  All those 3 were before i was 12.

It just seems like too much.  How can people believe me?  If anything ever happened again i would be made to look like a liar.

IDK, just feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable.  Sorry.

[Dee]

Unfortunately this isn't uncommon.  Once abuse occurs the chance of it happening again significantly increases.  Children are often groomed, taught they don't have a voice, become passive, and people pleasing.  Predators can pick up on many of these things and it makes the abused child a bigger target.  It is often like the predator has a sixth sense. 

I know from experience.  People believe me.  Not only do they believe me, but have explained why this happened to me.

[caroline]

Thank you for the reply Dee.

Sorry you have experienced this and that it's not uncommon. 

I do feel like i must have been walking around with a huge neon sign saying "hurt me".  Maybe this therapy will help get rid of the last of that sign. x

[Dee]

I have actually said I think it is tattooed on my forehead.  I hope it helps too.  It's brave of you, I haven't done it and have no intention of doing so.

[barbidoll]

Caroline,
  I have had this thinking myself. Yes it does often feel like there is a sign on my head.  I have actually decided to stay single until my youngest is 18 at least because I am just not putting them through anymore of the bull.  I don't trust myself. I have joked with people that if I end up with anymore kids the next ones father will probably be a serial killer because it seems like the men I have chosen have been progressively worse. 
  I have been scared to ask for help because I am afraid I won't be believed because of it. 

[ah]

I've had the same tattoo for life, for sure. You're not alone.
I've had so many abusers I think I've lost count. If I only count the hard core psychopaths and narcissists, then... I've got about 10. Some from childhood till today, others in adulthood. Everywhere I went in life I found the local psychopath and they found me.
If I include apathetic accomplices then the number goes up to dozens, maybe hundreds.

Yeah, no one believed me whenever I asked for help. I've stopped trying. So many blamed me I've lost count. I'm disbelieved and taken for a total fruitcake. I can't find words that would be strong enough to say how soul destroying that is.

But when I tried tracing it all back to one or a couple of malignant people in childhood who "primed" me to be used to this sort of treatment then it started making horrendous, crystal clear sense. We were taught to submit to abuse, to keep silent about it, to blame ourselves for it. Throw a stone in a pond, and if it's big enough it sends ripples throughout and just keep going, farther and farther out.

barbidoll, I did exactly the same. It helps me figure out my tattoo... I think you're absolutely doing the right thing.

[caroline]

Thank you all for your replies.  I am so sorry you feel this way as well.  It's overwhelming for sure.

I wish more people could understand how easy it is to have been primed for abuse at a young age.  I don't want them to have to go through it, just realise that it doesn't just have to happen once.

[Elphanigh]

Caroline, I would like to say me too. I have had that thought many times... that too much happened for someone to believe me, but I promise I believe you

[Blueberry]

Caroline, I believe you.

I read this thread before and thought: "Doesn't apply to me. Not much CSA happened. Only one abuser"
But I feel I have a similar stamp on my forehead re: emotional / psychological abuse. Like, "please go ahead and hurt me, can't protect myself."
And then it occurred to me that I still let people touch me in inappropriate ways. Still with this belief of: if somebody else thinks it's OK / right / appropriate, then it is; the person doesn't mean it; the person doesn't know exactly what they're doing (though I'm sure they do, actually); the person is from a different culture and doesn't realise that could mean something different here. This last excuse ties right in with the excuses abuser made for herself.

Nothing really major has ever happened. In fact, I think the people now are testing to see if I react to them and we can 'start' something. I don't react, I freeze, so it doesn't go any further. Please don't anybody here misunderstand me! I don't mean at all that any of you could be 'reacting back' and signalling willingness. Not at all, not for a minute. I just mean that up till now in my adult life in these instances I think that the person is seeing if I'm willing and when I freeze, then I guess they realise I'm not. But the CSA combined with psychological abuse I endured set me up to accept the other person's wishes without question and flee into freeze mode to get through it. For a real abuser, I'd be a sitting duck. With this mind-set anyway.

I hope you're feeling a little better, caroline. Safe  if it helps.

[caroline]

Thanks for the replies, i wasn't actually expecting any more! feeling a bit overwhelmed today. got in laws staying for the next 3 nights.  On edge and dealing with therapy seems pretty full on for my nerves already!

[Andyman73]

Thanks for the replies, i wasn't actually expecting any more! feeling a bit overwhelmed today. got in laws staying for the next 3 nights.  On edge and dealing with therapy seems pretty full on for my nerves already!

Got room for one more reply?

I'm 44 years old. Not counting minor bullies, I've been abused by at least 25 people. Can't review at this time for more accurate count, but I think it's 8 female and 17 male perps. I was 2 years old when it started, CSA/R by an adult male, and also, unrelated case but the same time frame, a teen boy. At least 2 more by age 5.....then a 6 year stretch of CPA by mommy dearest..4-5 times a week.  If I wouldn't minimize, I could add another 12-18 to the count of total perps.
By the time I graduated high school, the perp count was at 20....then I went and joined the U.S. Marines. After Boot Camp....which was deeply psychologically damaging in other ways....MC/programming... was ASA/APA a few more times...including grooming and SA by male predator.  Met future wife before enlistment was up...she started abusing me within a few weeks...That was almost 21 years ago.  She has abused me via DV for all those years..I am leaving her in the coming Spring.  My only saving grace was that all these memories were suppressed until this past January....which is the only reason, I believe, that I've managed to survive this long.

Hope visiting in-laws behave like model house guests.

[Blueberry]

Thanks for the replies, i wasn't actually expecting any more!

Yeah it happens, people read a post later and add to it. I quite like that in my own posts.

feeling a bit overwhelmed today. got in laws staying for the next 3 nights.  On edge and dealing with therapy seems pretty full on for my nerves already!

If it helps here's  and i hope your inlaws behave themselves appropriately and don't cause extra stress!