Partner won't listen

[Serenity]

Hi, so I have C-ptsd and I'm doing everything right following all my steps to recovery blah blah blah but ofcourse I have my set backs and really bad days when I feel completely alone and like I'm broken and unfixable. Admittedly I have what I can only explain as massive tantrums. Anyways my partner was at first really supportive of my recovery but over the last couple of weeks he's been saying he no longer wants to be with me but then changes his mind again and again and it's so damn painful, I have no idea how to deal with it I've tried talking to him, writing how I feel, yelling at him, but he just doesn't care or want to hear what I'm saying and it's really triggering me. We have kids and they're starting to see more and more that I'm falling apart and I really don't know what to do anymore, this is destroying not just me but everybody I love. What do I do?

[Sceal]

Are you in therapy? I was wondering, if it would be possible for you to bring your partner with you to talk to the therapist?
Have you asked him how he is feeling and thinking?

I am still friends with my ex, and sometimes we talk about what happened to us. The start of the end for us was when he stopped talking to me. I tried so many ways to get him to talk to me. But not that long ago he told me that at the time he felt he couldn't share his problems with me, because I was struggling so much, so he thought it was better to shut himself up. Despite me trying to get him to talk, he thought he couldn't. He felt that he didn't have a voice anymore because my problems were bigger and deeper. Could it be something similar for your partner? That he feels there's no room for his experiences to share, because the c-ptsd takes up so much?  (I hope this comes out in a friendly manner! and not as condesending. I am having troubles expressing myself well today )

[barbidoll]

Serenity,
  It makes me a bit nervous to hear your partner saying they are going to leave and going back and forth on it. Probably because of my own experience with others using something like that to try and get their own way so maybe my nerves don't relate to you in that sense. I am not sure of his motivations. Do you think he is genuinely thinking this or using it to as a weapon? I ask because I don't think leaving is something you need to mention a lot. I once had an ex who many years ago was angry over something and kept trying to push me out of the car and when I would try to get out he would pull me back.  It was highly distressing and confusing. I just wanted him to stop so yeah I would have gotten out of that car in the middle of the night and started walking. That push/pull is a real mind @$%#.  In my opinion, leaving does not need to be mentioned a whole bunch of times.  I have left without saying anything. I have also left after giving an ultimatum for my ex to get help. Regardless of your partner's motivations or state of mind it is distressing to you and if said in front of the kids probably distressing to them as well.  If your partner is truly interested in having a healthy relationship this should be a concern for them.
  I think the fact you are on the road to recovery is a good thing. If your partner is truly interested in saving the relationship maybe couples counseling might be of some use if your partner is willing?  I know you said he is not listening right now but have you tried both of you addressing your concerns when you are both calm and have plenty of time to cool?
   I am trying to give your partner the benefit of the doubt but the whole leaving thing and changing the mind worries me for you.   You say you are falling apart more and I wonder if these threats are contributing to it? 
  I don't know if I make sense here but I do worry about how much those threats are contributing to your state of mind.
 

[Kizzie]

Hi Serenity - Navigating through Complex PTSD is difficult not only for us, but for the important people in our lives. You might consider talking to your family about your disorder and seeing if they would be interested in some couples/family counseling so that everyone understands what it is and has professional support and good information on how to help one another. 

[Serenity]

Reply #1 sceal
Yes I'm in therapy and I've tried to talk to him about getting some counselling for it too but he won't have a bar of it. I know he's hurting and struggling but he won't admit it and thinks I can't handle anything, it's like he's trying to Molly coddle me, I think he has good intentions but doesn't understand that it's really not helpful and won't listen at all. I think you've hit the nail on the head though.

Reply#2 barbidoll
I'm sorry to hear you went through that. My partner isn't really like that he more kinda gets overwhelmed and tries to run but then sees sense. Sadly the kids do see this but they understand that everybody has bad days and don't get very upset about it, our 6 year old tells us off for being silly, we've been through a lot but always tried to stay as stable as possible for them.We tried couples counseling in the past, didn't go well, only thing we agreed on was that it wasn't working. My partner has very solid walls up and won't let anybody in, I can't get through to him.

Reply#3 kizzie
It's really hard as the rest of the family don't know what I'm going through, it's a complicated delicate situation. My partner doesn't want to know about it, nobody does.

[Blueberry]

Hi Serenity, welcome on here.
That sounds really difficult and I have no answers. Just wanted to let you know that i read your post 

[Sceal]

Hi Serenity!
I don't think getting him to individual councelling is the best first step. People has to want help in order to seek it out. Have you tried gently talking to him, without starting a fight? I ended up being so frustrated that I think most of the time I'd end up fighting him rather than giving my ex room to believe there was a place for him too. Perhaps start with shorter and smaller conversations? Like "I know it can be hard when I'm struggling, I just wanted to check in with you. How are you really doing?" And if he starts turning the conversation over on you, try to keep it on him for a little longer. Small baby steps showing him that you can handle his thoughts and emotions too. Maybe he doesn't realise he is molly coddeling you?

[Serenity]

Hi Sceal, I'm just trying to get him to talk to me in general at the moment, currently he is unsure if he wants to be in a relationship with me. I know he's dealing with his own * right now too, but he won't talk to me about anything because he thinks he's making it easier for me. I'm going to try soften him up over the weekend, he's pretty down so I'm guna try find some way to cheer him up, very hard with all his mixed messages, one minute I'm being too self-centered and too selfish focusing on me, next I'm smoothing him too much and need to focus more on me. I'm damned whatever I do. 

[Sceal]

It's hard, but I hope you'll be able to get through to him!
Wishing you the best headway!

[Eyessoblue]

Hi there, I can relate, but it's all part of your healing journey that is what is important, I too am going through a similar situation but it's me that wants to leave not my partner, at the moment I'm going through the anger emotion and I am just so angry with everyone but mainly him due to being unsupported etc, I have counselling which is invaluable and I'm aware that these temper tantrums are a normal part of the recovery emotion, I can literally say that each month in recovery is a different emotion for me, have had them all, anger is my last emotion which is understandable to anyone with cptsd, I too am having huge outbursts but this is ok as you're letting out that emotion, your partner just needs to try and understand what you're dealing with and be a support to you which I know is easier said than done, as my husband is so far detached from me and what I'm dealing with it is pretty much impossible to get him on board, I'm thinking of you tho and can sympathise with how you're feeling.