Dont really know anyone to relate *TW sexual/emotional abuse"

[puppies4thesad]

Hi ppl,
I have had a series of traumas in my life but I'm very skilled in dissociation and so until this year I managed to "function" on a fairly good level. I grew up in a family with an emotionally distant father and a severely learning disabled younger brother. My mother was very overwhelmed and I was unintentionally emotionally neglected. I became very detached from emotions, I was shy and never asked for what I needed and never learned to assert myself. I was bullied right through school and had depression to varying degrees all my life.

I left home pretty at 18 and was pretty well set up to be singled out for abuse from others. Instead of asserting myself or crying for help I automatically dissociated when ppl abused me. I always felt something was wrong with me and I was never enough.

Soo then I ended up in a 2 year long relationship with a man who turned out to be severely personality disordered ( antisocial personality disordered- covert narcassist). He started off my coach and convinced me that as well as helping me get better at my sport that he was also making me a "better"person. This turned from being joint self improvement to psychological abuse, threatening behaviour and sexual abuse. He gaslight me and projected his narcissism on to me. He even told me that if I didn't submit to the fact he was right when he was gaslighting me that I would one day suddenly come to know that I was as crazy as he said and I would commit suicide.  Anyway eventually I escaped this relationship. I had no therapy after this experience.

At the start of this year I was getting on with my life as best I could. I still had flashbacks and nightmares but managed to minimize these symptoms a great deal by just staying insanely busy, hardly sleeping, working my * of and ignoring my memories. Then boom! I had a massive emotional breakdown. All my emotions, memories and trauma came flooding in. I was soo sick I was self medicating and I overdosed to escape ( I'm lucky that I seem to have a weird resilience and I'm still here). It's like when I remembered everything and actually felt true emotions I went into shock. I had difficulty speaking and when I could I stammered, I still have ticks. I'm very hypervigilant and have sensory sensitivity (particularly to sound and movement). I'm anxious and fearful all the time.

Rather than dissociating and denying my experiences I'm now working on accepting, understanding and moving towards a more healthy existence. I don't know how to do that but I havent really got anyone to tell me and I have a feeling that sharing and speaking to others may help. If anyone relates please chat. It would mean the world to me to know I'm not alone.

[Dee]

Welcome!

[Fen Starshimmer]

Hi puppies4thesad (oh, what a sweet name),

Thank you for sharing your story. You are sooo not alone with the way you are feeling!  I can relate to lots of things you said, and yes, you are extremely resilient. That coach sounds horrendous! He should be reported. I am so glad you escaped the 'relationship.' I hope you can find some suitable therapy to help you get over it. 

I too spent years functioning with dissociation, gradually finding it harder to speak, so frozen and numbed, then flashbacks crept in as well. I didn't know why I felt so strange, with so much terror inside me. I also got trapped repeatedly in abusive 'relationships'.  It took me years before I realised that I had PTSD (then later I realised it was CPTSD).  It's been such a source of comfort knowing what I am dealing with, knowing that I am not crazy.

Rather than dissociating and denying my experiences I'm now working on accepting, understanding and moving towards a more healthy existence. I don't know how to do that but I havent really got anyone to tell me and I have a feeling that sharing and speaking to others may help. If anyone relates please chat. It would mean the world to me to know I'm not alone.

You are doing great! There are many ways to a healthier life, and I believe that once we start looking, being aware, they will appear, teachers and guides appear. Some we are more drawn to than others. Personally, I take a holistic approach to my recovery, ie mind, body and spirit. I could go on for hours about that, but I might bore you. Here at OOTS there is a wonderful community of people who understand, and can offer encouragement. I hope you will feel welcome and join in the discussions.

Fen

[rbswan]

Hi puppies4thesad, welcome!  You are in the right place and thank you for sharing.  I've found so much in this forum as far as identification, education, recovery and, most of all, hope.  I can relate to an extremely emotionally distant and neglectful father and my gaslighter and narcissist  was my mother.  I felt that it was my fault for not reaching out for help as a child but now understand that my parents wanted me quiet and complacent no matter what happened to me.  I found support in my 40s when I started my recovery and found out it is a basic right.  I hope you find lots of support and hope in here.   

[puppies4thesad]

Hi thank you soo much to you all for responding  . I have had a very hard time accepting that I didn't get what I needed emotionally growing up and that it made me vulnerable to abuse. I couldn't accept that for many years because I was brought up to know that asking for anything or needing attention or to be heard was selfish and that I was being ungrateful if I thought my parents didn't give me all I needed. I was desperate for a father figure I think. To know that other ppl have lived with this constant fear, anxiety and feeling of detachment is comforting even though it makes me feel sad that so many ppl go through life with this. It seems such an unnecessary burden for anyone when all that was required was attention, care or love growing up.

[Fen Starshimmer]

Aww, Puppies4thesad, I know, I know, my childhood was very similar... I spent many years of my teens and adult life feeling confused and self-hating not realising why. I think it's normal to grieve.

[ah]

Welcome 
I can't write much right now but I hear you, and I can absolutely relate. I'm glad you're here.

[Blueberry]

Hi puppies4thesad,

Welcome  I'm glad you survived and found us! This is a really supportive forum. I hope you find it that way too.

I like your name, I immediately picture some puppies with big doleful eyes.

For different reasons from yours, some of my childhood sounds similar: cutting off emotions, bullying at school, depression since forever.

Blueberry

[puppies4thesad]

ha yeah. I have a border collie and he has literally been the best therapy in dealing with my ptsd and depression symptoms. I have always wondered why they have therapy dogs going into hospitals and with kids with autism but not for those with ptsd or severe depression. When i'm triggered and overwhelmed its much easier and more effective to breath and hold and talk to my dog than it is to try and ground myself all by myself. I also find it hard to trust ppl and my puppy show me unconditional affection and gets the oxytocin going. I feel like the more I have him around the more safe I feel and that is helping me get better. Its really nice to know there are ppl here that wont minimise or deny the negative effects of what happens to u after abuse and neglect! I feel more confident moving forward. Some days u just feel stuck in the ptsd. Like your just broke and thats it.

[Kat]

Hey there!  Welcome to the forum!

You wrote: I have had a very hard time accepting that I didn't get what I needed emotionally growing up and that it made me vulnerable to abuse. I couldn't accept that for many years because I was brought up to know that asking for anything or needing attention or to be heard was selfish and that I was being ungrateful if I thought my parents didn't give me all I needed.

That's been the theme of my most current struggles.  However, I'm kind of glossing over how it's made me vulnerable to more abuse.  I've been really grieving not having gotten what I really should have and then suffering the feelings of shame and guilt for longing for things like, oh, unconditional love, guidance, an open ear and mind, a caring figure to help make sense of the world and my emotions while assuring me the world is a safe and good place.  It's really damaging to start one's journey the way we were forced to--relying on ourselves to make meaning of the world, deciding all of the scariness, confusion, abuse is of our own making and that people are not to be trusted. 

I've been crying over the loss, which is good, grieving is good.  But I've also found myself jumping right back into the old ways of coping--blaming myself for wanting too much, telling myself that I'm ugly, stupid, a loser, and that I'll never learn to take care of myself properly.  Those "tapes" keep starting up and playing over and over and over.  They're hard to ignore.

[puppies4thesad]

yeah I hear you! I remember very little of my childhood up until the age of about 11. I remember some things but mostly a feeling of anxiety, being detached from those around me and not understanding my emotions very well or how to communicate them. I recently tried to bring this up with my mother but she just said "You seemed happy enough just to do your own thing" and when I said I felt detached from my experiences she said "yeah but most ppl feel detached from their childhood self because u arent that person anymore". I gave up the discussion and trying to explain that ppl dont feel detached for 11 years of their childhood for no reason and hardly remember anything but feeling frightened, lonely and overwhelmed. I only started to look at this after I realised that the only way I could understand why I was abused as an adult and seem to attract bullies where ever I go was to look at how I developed as an individual and became the perfect juicy piece of bait for those ppl. Once I started to think about that my lovely fluffy fairy tale of denial just imploded.

[BlancaLap]

Welcome to the forum! The same happens to me. When I don't feel anything everything (the few memories I have) is like meh. But when I feel and I "realize" that what happened happened to me, I get shocked

[goth_mike]

Yup I hear you too!  Have only just joined this forum myself and to me it was a surprise to hear so many common themes between different people!  Until about an hour ago I didn't realise how similar many of the reported experiences are!

[sanmagic7]

you're definitely not alone, puppies.  i, too, relate to emotional neglect as a child, and how it set me up for all kinds of trials and tribulations from teen years onward. 

terrible to hear about your 'coach' - i agree he should be reported.  i'm just glad you got out of that relationship.  i do hope you can eventually find some therapy that will be helpful.

healing.  i've been able to do a lot of it with the caring and support of the people on this forum.  i hope you find the same.  sending you a hug (if you want) filled with a brighter future.

[Andyman73]

Hi puppies,
I think neglect may have been the least of my childhood experiences, as far as abuse goes. Mine was more the exact opposite.
However I can directly relate to the experience of your breakdown. All of my abuse memories were suppressed, some going back nearly 42 years. This past January they all started coming back. The very first returned memory exploded in my head like the grand finale of an awesome fireworks display! All of the senses and memories of the events hit all at once! Thankfully all the other memories have been much more gentle in their revealing.

You are not alone. Not anymore. 💐🌈🌺🌸🌟🌺💐