What does 'Survival Sex' mean to you? TW - sexual abuse

[Fen Starshimmer]

I am trying to decide whether to use the term 'survival sex' in the blurb on the back of a book I have written, but am unsure whether it will confuse people.

Is it a mainstream term?

What does it mean to you?

To me, it is not the same as prostitution, but a forced situation, where there is no (perceived) choice, no escape. A chronically traumatised, sexually abused person would be more likely to find themselves in such a situation, a person without any support network. That's just my opinion.

Would be interested in your views. Thanks.

[Sceal]

I've not heard of this term before. But when I read your title what I thought was as you described, someone who is engaging in sex to get it over with, to minimize the damage, to avoid being physically hurt or killed - because there is no escape. That's at least my experience...

[Fen Starshimmer]

Hi Sceal,

Interesting that you hadn't heard of the term before, and the connections you made. That's kind of what I was hoping.

There's an irony in the term; it's a kind of oxymoron, because if you are engaging in 'survival sex' to avoid being physically hurt or killed, you are still damaging your mind/spirit, because it is against your will. You are killing your soul - in my opinion. And therefore, it's highly traumatic. You will probably dissociate as you can't escape, and have other PTSD symptoms. I am no expert, but from the bits and pieces I have read and studied this is the impression I am getting. 

[Dee]

What you described is rape.

[Fen Starshimmer]

Thank you Dee. That is exactly my take on it. I recently asked a survivor (someone I know) whether he had heard of the term. And he shook his head grimly, saying yes, it had happened to him, and it's rape.



 

[Kizzie]

I have to agree that it would be rape because there is no real or perceived choice involved and the person would not be consenting but submitting. 

It's interesting to know that those who have gone through it know the term, but it doesn't appear to be mainstream.  It adds to a more nuanced understanding of choice versus submission in terms of sexual abuse and violence imo, so perhaps it's a good thing you are thinking about using the term Fen (raises awareness).

[Three Roses]

I don't want to say anything more than this about it, but I think rape could be just one type of survival sex.

[Fen Starshimmer]

You hit the nail Kizzie, submitting in this instance makes it rape

Three Roses - wow! hadn't thought of it like that, but yes...................it is

I contacted the CEO of a survivors' mentoring charity for his opinion on my wording, giving him a choice of a version with the phrase 'survival sex' and another version saying - 'falling prey to....'. He chose the version where I'd included 'survival sex,' and was really supportive about it.

I am beginning to think that maybe this is a time to be brave and use such a provocative, ambiguous term on the back cover of my book, a term that can easily be confused, interpreted in different ways. It would give me a reason to blog about the topic and "raise awareness", like you say Kizzie. I am now thinking of adding a trigger warning at the front of the book (even though it's fiction), especially as it's aimed at young people. I think it's the kind of story that victims and survivors will recognise and perhaps be affected by, but most people will only relate to the parts that resonate with their experience, and not 'get' the full message.

[Kizzie]

Good to hear you are checking this out with those who have dealt with it Fen, it will make it that much more authentic and will resonate.  I do think it is really important to make sure you connect the term to the fact that it is unequivocally  rape, it just differs in how the perpetrator takes away choice (e.g., emotionally versus physically overpowering the person).  Otherwise, as you say it may be "confused, interpreted in different ways."

[Fen Starshimmer]

Hi Kizzie, Have just been consulting someone I know who is a police officer working in child protection. I spent some time outlining the story in answer to some of his questions. His response was: 'To the victim it may be survival sex, but in terms of law there are a whole host of offences.' I hope to discuss this further with him, as I would like to know what those offences are.

In the meantime, my instincts are telling me to use a different term on the back cover blurb of my book to avoid confusion (probably a quote from the story itself) and then blog about survival sex from a victim's point of view, ie it being rape, like you say, and what the term means to those in positions of authority, in law etc. Now I feel I have stumbled upon an important issue, where victims are perhaps being misunderstood when applying this term to their circumstances. I want to look into it further, maybe get some more views from victims and survivors.

[Sceal]

I have to admit this threat was a bit more triggering than I first thought. But I think it's an important topic, and one that's not talked often enough about.
I always figured that it'd be hard to prove that survival sex in this sense would be hard to prove in a law of court, especially if the person doesn't always explisitly force, manipulate or threaten into their own will. But the victim just comply at all times to prevent further damage.

But it also reminded me of this youtube video about concent. And I wanted to share it with you guys. It's stick figure drawing, and they use an analogy.
It's called the Tea Concent.

[Contessa]

Such a powerful term Fen.
I have never heard of it before, but it makes complete sense the way it has been discussed here.
I would say go for it. Society can only learn about this form of rape (I hate that word), if it is used in the appropriate context.
These words and phrases all have to 'start' somewhere.

[Blueberry]

I'd never heard of it and presumed you were asking what kind of sex practices survivors engage in. My answer would be 'none' which is why I haven't checked the thread until now. I'm pretty clueless about this topic.

[Fen Starshimmer]

Sorry if I've triggered anyone by discussing this topic (Sceal - apologies). Am trying to be careful, but it's not easy avoiding certain words when trying to get clarity on this term. Please be careful, and take a break if the subject is affecting you.

Sceal said:

I always figured that it'd be hard to prove that survival sex in this sense would be hard to prove in a law of court, especially if the person doesn't always explisitly force, manipulate or threaten into their own will. But the victim just comply at all times to prevent further damage.

Agreed. I wonder whether evidence of CPTSD prior to the incident, ie prior abuse, would make a court sympathetic? It seems that previously traumatised people are most at risk. I feel pessimistic about the idea though, especially given that CPTSD isn't mainstream yet, though it is creeping into the manuals of some mental health charities.

Thanks for your support Contessa.

Blueberry -  I'd go for 'none' too. Hope the thread has been interesting.

I have been discussing the topic again with my friend in the police force. He wrote to me saying, 'anybody using sex to survive whether consensual or not, it could be described as survival sex'. In UK law. Section 74 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003 defines consent as: "if he agrees by choice, and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice." Prosecutors consider this in two stages. I won't list them here in case it's triggering. There is also grooming and exploitation under the Modern Day Slavery Act to consider. So, in summary, there could be various offences involved when a person feels forced to submit to someone else's will to survive. I want to concentrate on highlighting these. Otherwise, survival sex could become another term for prostitution, and that seems very wrong, and a huge disservice to the victims and survivors, minimising the total * they've been through.

[Sceal]

Sorry if I've triggered anyone by discussing this topic (Sceal - apologies). Am trying to be careful, but it's not easy avoiding certain words when trying to get clarity on this term. Please be careful, and take a break if the subject is affecting you.

I hope I didn't make you feel bad because I said I got triggered by the topic. It was mainly surprising to me, and enlightening in a way. It helps me figure out what stuff I need to work on.   And I still think this is an important topic to bring light to.


From what I've read in the media here about cases going to court, if the victim was already mentally ill, that doesn't nessecerily play in the victim's favour. It has on occation put questionmark to the victim's validity. Which I think is just plain awful!  But this isn't things I've personally known, simply read about.