When NM shows her soft side...

[Resca]

Has anyone else had this experience: you've come to terms with the limits of your narc family member and you're clumsily muddling through recovery with minimal contact, and then the narc suddenly does something so nice and thoughtful that it totally paralyzes you?

I have no idea how to handle these moments. They really set off my denial/dissociation reflex and make me question everything that led up to this self-diagnosis. How are you supposed to rationalize the distance when the narc shows that little glimmer of healthy - albeit brief and inconsistent - love, you know? I'm slowly getting better at talking myself down but any feedback or advice for others who've had similar experiences would be very much appreciated.

[rbswan]

Yes, I can relate.  After a year of minimal contact with my NM, before an actual boundary, she started calling me and asking how I was.  She never did this.  Also, she didn't go into a rant or talk negative about anyone and asked about my kids.  This completely disarmed me and my inner child was like "yippie she has changed, she really does love us!"  I was leery for a while but she kept at it.  Eventually, we drove across the state for a visit.  The fist day was ok-ish but I knew deep down what was coming.  The second day, she shamed me several times and we left when she started in on my kids.  I found out later that my brother completely cut her off and she was lacking her narcissistic supply.  Very cunning.  This had happened many times in my childhood but I had been groomed so many times that I went right back to it.  What is sad is that my inner child still holds out hope.  He also has a lot of anger and despair.  This was 3 years ago and I'm no contact now.  I'm working out the inner child feelings through grief work in group therapy.  I stand with you and totally relate.   

[Kat]

Beware the delicious-looking poison apple. No fairytale ending.

[Phoebes]

I totally understand, as this kept me bound to my uNm for, well, my entire life. Not only would it give me hope, it made me feel guilty for feeling so badly about whatever recent abuse had happened. It is part of gaslighting. By acting so loving and nice, they are saying forget about that last event and move forward, forgive and forget. Intermittent positive rewards/"love" creates trauma bonding. There's a lot of great info on this.

When I went NC, I got the random text from NM, as well as a letter. I didn't block because a tiny part of me thought if I just show her I will not tolerate her bad treatment and give myself some time to separate and heal, she might change. In the texts and letters she sent, there was a lot nice words said. She loves me, she misses me, I am welcome any time, come to holiday, etc..HOWEVER, amongst these words were sprinkled gaslighting, were sprinkled the notion that this was a 50/50 scenario, was sprinkled that I was being unforgiving, incompassionate, umempathetic. Projecting. In the letter she wrote trying to be nice, she also lectured me on empathy and compassion. It got to where she could not say something nice without countering it with something hurtful. The last one before I fully and completely blocked her (gave up hope) was along the lines of she cries every day for how much she misses me (BULL), and that this thing you are doing is destructive, and that I am welcome but she wont keep making this effort.

One thing I noticed more once my head got clearer was these "nice" things she would do and say were actually control and manipulation. If she loved me, it would show. If she loved me, she would not have to say it in cliche ways now. I got the feeling she was saying these things to have a text to show her husband and say look how nice I'm being and she is so ungrateful. THAT type of thing is how she has shown she feels, year after year. I'm just sharing my experience and that, as scared of pulling the plug completely as I was, I felt immediate relief, and the longer I go without being peppered by these attempts as getting her supply back, I feel like I'm healing, happier, have many more moments of joy and honestly never deserved the trauma and abuse she dished out my entire life for no reason other than her own dysfunction.

[I like vanilla]

Beware the delicious-looking poison apple. No fairytale ending.

I totally relate to this problem. When I went low contact with my NM she too became so warm and kind and nice to me. So, I felt happy and hope and maintained contact with her.

Then, I accomplished a major life goal, which I had worked extremely hard to achieve and was very proud of. When I shared it with her, she walloped me with a giant verbal and emotional slap. I have been completely no contact ever since. In hindsight, I think that my accomplishment brought out her normal evil, jealous, competitive self (OK, it's not normal, but I lack another word, and evil is normal for her).

I have since realized too that I had been inadvertently been playing our old game all that time (during low contact with 'warm mom'). Yes, she was being all warm and kind and nice to me. But, I think because I wanted a mom so badly, I had accidentally fallen back into the pattern of obedient, fawning, accommodating, dependent daughter. In looking back, I noticed that while in low contact with my NM, I had been down-playing the progress I had been making toward my goal, making disparaging remarks about myself and ability (or lack thereof) that I thought I had in (not) achieving my goal, etc. Essentially, I was lying to her about a huge part of my life. At the same time, I had gone back to the pattern of agreeing with her (even when I thought she was wrong), playing up how wonderful she is (though much of that was also a lie), and generally allowing our low contact interactions full of her 'love, warmth, and kindness' to be all about her and how great she is; a pattern that I had been working so hard to break. In fact before the NM's supposed warm-fuzzies, I had made enough progress that NM had often gone LC/NC with me - more accurately called the narc's silent treatment - because I had, for a while, started making boundaries and assertively expressing my own ideas about the world.

Now, I am no contact and my life overall is better. BUT, I do still struggle. I still do want to have a mom. I still do miss her (or at least the illusion I had of her) and have yearnings to connect (recognizing cognitively that we never had real connection, though emotionally still wanting it). One of my inner children wants a mom so badly that she sends me images and feelings from times when our NM was kind and warm and caring to us. She (the IC) does not see the big picture and how those moments, while perhaps occasionally authentic (?), generally were part of a bigger strategy on NM's part to maintain us as source of narcissistic supply and to maintain her image in our community as 'the perfect mother'. But, my IC still yearns for a mom... I still yearn for a mom... I am working on accepting that that option does not exist for me, and on mourning the loss. I am also working to parent my ICs to give them the love and safety and caring that they have always deserved but were cheated out of by our NM.

[Phoebes]

 

Well-said, I Like Vanilla. That is exactly my experience too.

[ah]

Oh, yes. It's happened to me too. In the craziest ways, too. Eventually when I stopped responding to it, they stopped and switched to discarding me completely and calling me a monster. I was probably not "tasty" anymore... no more supply.

It did hurt like * though, and still does. Not dancing along with them didn't mean I wasn't hurting, just that I felt like I had had enough. I wasn't willing to take any extra pain, I couldn't take any more.

There are a few narcissists I've met as an adult who do keep doing it to me too. One just wrote me a while ago to tell me what a dreadful friend I am, and how much they love and miss me, and how awful I am... over and over. These messages are repetitive.
Logic probably isn't what narcissists are best at because if I'm so awful, why keep trying to hook me back in? Why love me so much if I'm so terrible? Just saying.   

What I used to do with my FOO and I now do with these "friends" is I respond in a kind, friendly, loving way that shows no pain, no hurt feelings, as though I was too stupid to get it; and I always get no response because I guess what they want is a fight, not normal contact. They write because they want to see blood.
In my FOO's case it was also so they could show the messages to others in the "family", portray themselves as saints and portray me as a monster.

It's an endless loop... with no happy ending in sight. I've read somewhere that the only way to win with narcissists is not to play, and I couldn't agree more.
It does keep breaking my heart, though. No happy ending. But I'm stronger since I stopped showing my pain to unsafe people. It's mine, I choose who to share it with. They're not worthy.

[rbswan]

From ah "One of my inner children wants a mom so badly that she sends me images and feelings from times when our NM was kind and warm and caring to us. She (the IC) does not see the big picture and how those moments, while perhaps occasionally authentic (?), generally were part of a bigger strategy on NM's part to maintain us as source of narcissistic supply and to maintain her image in our community as 'the perfect mother'. But, my IC still yearns for a mom... I still yearn for a mom... I am working on accepting that that option does not exist for me, and on mourning the loss. I am also working to parent my ICs to give them the love and safety and caring that they have always deserved but were cheated out of by our NM"

Thank you for this insight ah!  I see that with with inner child too.  I get images of a "kind" mom, most of which never happened, and didn't understand where they came from.  I usually quickly dismiss them and never thought my little guy just is wanting me to find a safe mom.  I need to nurture him more when this happens.  Also, I 'm quickly charmed when older women are nice to me.  I have to watch my people pleasing in these cases.  I love this forum.   

[Resca]

I love this forum.   

Me too I don't think I've ever felt more supported and understood. You guys have really inspired me to accept and tackle my symptoms so I can live a better life.

I've just started reading about those toxic addictions to narcs that you're mentioning, Pheobes, but I had never thought of this sort of left-field love as gaslighting. It's much more obvious in that letter that you mention - and I've received something very similar so I know that pain - but it's not always so obvious in the smaller, seemingly innocuous gestures. Now that you've said it, it makes so much sense. I really appreciate the different frame that you offered here because it makes it easier to see it for the danger that it is. Congratulations on all of the growth and progress you've made since "pulling the plug." Knowing how hard that is, it just shows a lot of strength and you should be very proud.

I know that exact feeling, Vanilla and ah!! It's so hard to not want A mom - really any mom - because society tells us that it's this beautiful, unconditionally-loving relationship. And if that were true, why wouldn't we want that. It seems impossible to fully accept that this mythical relationship just isn't the truth and isn't available to us. I remember reading something in a self-help book along the lines of "The time for you to be mothered is over and you can't get back there" and I got so angry. Still avoiding that book. I think it's normal to struggle with this no matter how much progress we've made, as much as that sucks. But I also think it's so important that you've learned to parent your IC a bit, Vanilla, and I'm hoping to learn how to do the same Right now, I just feel a little bit closer to where ah is; kind of keeping the broken heart safe until I feel strong enough to move forward. It's so hard to give yourself love when everything still hurts, you know? But taking that ownership - that sounds like a really powerful thing.

Thanks again, everyone. I'm so grateful for your stories and understanding. Stay strong.

[Three Roses]

The first time I heard about re-parenting yourself was in a book called "Adult Children of Abusive Parents" by a man named Steven Farmer. It's a wonderful book, and goes into depth about the results of abuse as well as giving writing exercises to help you heal.

After reading his chapter on creating healthy, internal parents I felt much better. It is an old book but one that's still relevant today. It contains histories of some people he's treated and contains graphic descriptions of abuse, so read with caution. But it also contains lots of really helpful exercises and I highly recommend it.

Again, strong trigger warning, if you follow this link it will take you to the first 20 pages of the book, which starts  with a graphic description of his own FOO's abuse in his preface. https://books.google.com/books/about/Adult_Children_of_Abusive_Parents.html?id=3-pBtoszr44C&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button

[Hope66]

Just to add to your reply here Three Roses, that I just looked up that book on Amazon, and there is a 25th Anniversary edition - I think it's 2016 - so it's been updated and it looks really good.  Thanks for mentioning the name of it. 
Hope 

[ah]

Thanks so much Three Roses  I'll check it out too. Looks very interesting.