Feeling Batshit

[ss]

SO recently I became triggered from what should have been a "small" fight/confrontation with a friend and I turned it into something explosive. I said the meanest things to her in fear she would leave me (makes sense right?). Without getting too into it, I've had an emotionally abusive childhood. So, at the slightest sign of conflict I will go into fight or flight. I have this overwhelming rage which just takes over me when I sense danger (my emotions are always on alert). This is an ongoing problem in close relationships. Some doctors have said its BPD...my therapist says its a normal reaction to an unstable environment growing up like CPTSD. My question is...how do you deal with it? I feel like I'm obsessed over this "diagnosis" and either proving it wrong or right. I know it doesn't define me, and it's easier to categorize people into groups but how do you deal with it?

[ss]

and what are some methods that have helped with regulating emotions?

[Rainagain]

Hi ss
You describe the initial issue as something that should have been a small fight.
My coping mechanism is avoidance, if a confrontation looks likely I try to avoid it. It takes me about 24 hrs to properly assess a potential conflict situation, if I stay and deal with it I over react, just as you describe.

If I give myself time I can have the same conversation later without over reacting.

With cptsd there are no more small fights, we are hurt already so can't cope with any more without reacting in a way that hurts us and/or others.

I wanted to reply to you but don't want to say too much as my coping mechanisms are probably not healthy and might be driven by cptsd.

[ss]

I know, I tried to avoid by letting her know I wanted to stop the conversation there, but she is someone who needs to talk about her emotions. which.... people should.  she didn't know how bad it was. but there needs to be a certain level of understanding. i don't think we can continue life just avoiding situations. i want to learn how to address those emotions or situations and handle them in a positive way. it's also scary to think about addressing them.

[sanmagic7]

just a thought, ss.  maybe a combination of avoidance and talking it out.  like, a temporary avoidance until you are able to think more clearly on the issue, then come back to it in a day or two.

i get that things often need to be talked out or through, but i also get that sometimes we may not be ready or able to do so on the spot.  the idea of having said that you wanted to stop the conversation there was, i think, a good one.  you can place a caveat on that by saying that you just need a little time to think it through, but want to re-visit it later.

you can put time limits on that so the other person doesn't think you're just brushing them off, but you're also honoring your truth at the same time by stopping the conversation when you know you're heading in a direction you don't want to go. 

interactions can be tricky because two people with separate wants and needs are involved.  hopefully, as you continue in recovery, those triggers of yours will be diminished.  i don't know how tight of a friendship you have with this person, but you might be able to explain what's going on, why you want to take a 'time out', so to speak.

don't know if this is helpful.  sending you a big hug filled with good communication all around.

[Three Roses]

I strongly relate to this feeling. When I am confronted or challenged, I feel physically threatened, and can even feel as though my very life is in danger. This creates a fight response in me, which I suppose is there to escape the danger that my subconscious reads into the situation.

I have said things to people while I'm having one of these reactions, and have lost friends. I am deeply ashamed afterwards at my perceived inability to control myself (I used to explain it away as having a "bad temper").

With awareness, this reaction has decreased in me in frequency, duration and intensity.

Something that has been very helpful to me: If I slow it down, I can get control and change my reaction to a thoughtful response. The longer the time interval, the more likely I'll respond instead of just reacting. Awareness of the difference has been pretty significant in my ability to control this.

Hope this is helpful info! Thanks for your post.

[ss]

thank you. i really appreciate all  your responses. they have been very comforting (to know i'm not alone) and helpful.

[Blueberry]

My question is...how do you deal with it?

Hi ss,

For me this is a huuuuge question with no quick answer. I deal partially with avoidance (or churning over and over again in my head and/or self-harming) because I might otherwise end up in a screaming rage or otherwise fighting verbally with people, but I agree that avoidance is not the long-term solution either. What otherwise has helped is: therapy. Don't even ask the types, I'm not in an English-speaking country and some of what I do doesn't seem to exist elsewhere. But generally not talk-therapy. In the last few years trauma therapy, which helps reduce teh backlog of anger, which in itself led to this rage.

[rbswan]

I totally relate SS and agree with Blueberry about trauma therapy.  I had a lot of coping mechanisms that are useful but the core issue for me was unexamined and unexpressed grief and rage.  It took some time but I found a group therapy where I can do some work where I can express grief and rage and speak my truth (symbolically) to my FOO, inner critic and other stand in's through gestalt and psychodrama. 

This stuff isn't for everyone but it's adding to my recovery.  Pete Walker's books are very good for addressing feelings in a therapeutic way and this community has helped me a great deal.  In the past, I often tried to pause, take deep breaths, avoid and other things when I would feel an emotional attack coming on and was sometimes successful.  I find that I'm much better at pausing and reflecting, instead of reacting, these days as I don't have as much of the unexpressed fear, anger and grief in my body as I used to.  Sometimes it all comes back though and I feel I will need these and other tools all my life.  I'm so sorry for what you are going through, I know from personal experience how out of control that feels.