N00bie

[Leighleighla]

So hi, everyone.

My name is Leigh, and I was diagnosed with PTSD about four years ago. After doing a lot of research, I'm pretty sure I have many of the hallmarks of CPTSD after 20 years trapped with in a house with my parents, who are train wrecks, and took it out on me and my brother.

I'm 30, and still attempting to sort of fit the pieces together. Recently things have been a little rocky (lots of self-loathing since the new year. Like a lot), so I decided to maybe try and find...people.

And it's not that my friends aren't wonderful and understanding, but they have their own problems and they don't need mine too so I thought maybe finding an online group would do me a little bit of good.

So...so hi.

[flookadelic]

Hallo Leighleighla dear froot!
Welcome to the forum. I'm a junior member myself but am finding the forum to be a wonderfully supportive and non judgemental space. And obviously a very understanding one.

One word that leapt out at me was "trapped" - wow. That's one key ingredient in cptsd and one I can relate to entirely...I hope here you can find a sound start to your recovery and entering into a wider and more meaningful world than trauma allows. It does happen! With effort and understanding and support, but it surely does happen.

How did you react to your diagnosis? I ask simply because my reaction created a huge amount of anger in me which I dealt with through art. I just want to know you are relatively OK or if you need additional help post diagnosis? With love and best wishes, Flooky

[Leighleighla]

Hi, Flooky. Thank you for being so nice!

My reaction was an odd mixture of shock, not-shock, and odd curiosity. The first thing I did was start researching PTSD. I bought books and looked things up online, and just generally educated myself.

With a little knowledge under my belt, it was easier to identify what I was feeling (though it's still a little rough sometimes to remember that many of my feelings about myself are the result of the cptsd).

I started doing more looking into CPTSD in the last year or so, finding mostly online resources. I find that the more I read about it, and know about it, the better I'm able to cope, though I sort of went into a tailspin at New Years, which is how I stumbled across this site.

[flookadelic]

I'm glad that you caught it relatively early and had resources at hand to find out what was going on! I had my diagnosis in my 50's which...well the time scale added to the shock really. That what I had never really questioned, always assumed was just part of me, was a condition. That still blows my mind from time to time.

Over the years I have classified certain thoughts and certain ways of thinking as "the voice of ptsd" or observing "that's just the ptsd" talking. I know I have cptsd but ptsd just trips more easily off the tongue. But the point is observing the thought, understanding it, knowing why it's there, on a loop, and by doing so disassociate myself from it. I observe it rather than become it. It may take a real effort but one can remove belief from thoughts that have no base in reality, only in the traumatised belief system which is no fit judge of what's what! Have you come across the work of Pete Walker re cptsd yet?

[Kizzie]

Hi Leigh and welcome to OOTS  I'm sorry to hear things were rocky at New Years and you have been feeling a lot of self-loathing.  I wonder if your Inner Critic (ICr) or Inner Child (IC) has "turned up the heat" because you are committing to recovery?  They developed to keep us safe but of course they function like the children we were and don't always see that feeling those old feelings might help us.  Just a thought.   

I'm glad you did find your way to the site.  As Flook says, the community is very encouraging and supportive, and no doubt you'll find yourself feeling comfortable fairly quickly as you find lots of posts you can relate to. 

When you have a moment, please read through the Member Guidelines and glance though some of the forums so you can see what we've been talking about.  Then when you're ready please post again here or in whatever forum seems most relevant.

I look forward to hearing more about your situation 

   

[Leighleighla]

Thanks Kizzie!

So...I'm not sure if it's that fact that I'm committing to recovery, so much as it is...

So I have a group of people in my life right now that are very affectionate, and very supportive. And I think my brain is trying to get through the fact that they're not out to get me, and not just being nice. They want to be family to me. Which is scary. Because family has meant something completely and totally unhealthy for the majority of my life.

So I think right now I'm wrestling with this idea that these people are not going to eventually be completely terrible and then never speak to me again, and it's triggered a lot of feelings for me.

[Kizzie]

That's wonderful that you have a group of people who are affectionate and supportive, but I totally get that it can feel dangerous based on past experiences.  It can be a real challenge to quiet the ghosts of our past so we can live more fully in the present. Here's hoping you'll be able to "ghost whisper" successfully and embrace your friendships wholeheartedly!   

[Leighleighla]

(Trigger warning for some panicked speech)

I just get into these downward spirals, where I feel sad or depressed or I start hating myself for whatever reason, and I think about reaching out to them, and I don't because I think "they have problems of their own" "they don't have time" "they don't need my problems on top of theirs" and then I just stay quiet, and feel more sad.

And it's this weird cycle and I just don't know how to deal with it most days.

[Kizzie]

Hi Leigh - when one of your friends reaches out to you do you feel burdened?  I ask because I too am reluctant to ask for help and yet when someone asks me (as long as it's not someone who takes me for granted or who wants all the attention in the room - I grew up with NPD FOO), I have no problem with it, and in fact I feel like there is more of a connection because the person is letting me see them as vulnerable and they feel that I can help them (so I am important to them).  And if we feel that way towards others, maybe it's not a stretch to think that they may feel the same way towards us.   

Anyway, maybe you can start by posting here when you feel sad or depressed until you feel safer and then try it out on a friend and see what happens. 

[neenonee]

Yeah that book by Pete Walker says to try connecting with people online if it's too hard to do it in person, and then maybe you'll learn that not everyone is hurtful. I think in general people don't mean to be hurtful they just get involved with their own stuff and have their own baggage and might not even know they've stepped on someone's nerve.

[flookadelic]

I was an angel to the world but a demon to myself. I made a good friend to all but me. It has taken time and patient, gentle effort to overcome - and continue to overcome - my defence reflexes. But can you play it as a percentage game? Talk about yourself in moderate, bite sized chunks and see how you, and others respond? Perhaps treating it as an experiment will help make it less intimidating?