I think my friend is neglecting and abusing her kids *triggers throughout*

[songbirdrosa]

I'll just preface this by saying that this particular friend has a very long history of depression, but also a very long history of ignoring it. Not that it excuses what she's doing. But it's likely to be contributing factor.

My friend is a single mother of twin boys who are nearly four. Which under any circumstances is a lot to deal with. But I don't think she's even trying. The last time I stayed at her place it was an absolute dump (for lack of a better word). The floor, the walls, the furniture, everything was covered in dirt, toys, clothes, or food. The dishes were piled up and growing mould. Half-eaten meals at various stages of decay were scattered all over the coffee table. And that's just the house.

She has two settings when it comes to her parenting style; ignoring, or screaming. Occasionally she'll be affectionate if the boys aren't interrupting something she'd rather be doing, but that's not often. Most days she locks herself in the bathroom for up to an hour at a time so she can read fan fiction on her phone. During these periods, the boys do basically anything they want. They steal food from the pantry, whip each other with bungee cords, break doors, smash light fittings, and that's only the things I saw or heard about.

It carries over to their health, too. Their teeth are already rotting because a) they never get brushed and b) their diet is composed almost entirely of sugary snacks and drinks since she rarely buys anything else. She changes their nappies [diapers] maybe once or twice a day so they've always got a rash, and most of the time smell terrible as well. Baths are a rarity too. During the time I was there (a total of four nights, with a five-night gap in between) not once did they get cleaned. If they got food on their face, she'd wipe it off but that was it. They both had raw, inflamed, flaky skin behind their ears from not being cleaned at all, and one of them had weeping sores and several rashes. At one point he asked me to clean it up because his mother was too busy playing a game on her phone again.

I tried to do whatever I could to help both her and the boys while I was there, but I really think something more needs to be done. The problem is that she refuses to seek treatment for her issues, she doesn't want anyone else to be involved with helping to look after the boys, and she takes any suggestions as a personal attack. I just don't know what I can do. I know she'd see it as an ultimate betrayal if she ever found out I thought this way.

[sanmagic7]

this sounds like a case for child protective services (if you're in the states) or whatever social services for children there are where you live.

you can call them and they don't report who made the call (at least not in the states.  sounds like you're in britain, so i don't know the exact procedure there).  as a therapist, i was a mandated reporter, so i made that call numerous times.

those children are in trouble.  i'm not trying to judge your friend (altho it sounds like she's in trouble as well), but the kids need to be rescued until she can get her act together.  maybe she just needs some monitoring to help her get back on track, maybe she needs more serious help.

whichever, my first concern is for those children.  that sounds horrible what is/isn't being done for them.  definitely neglect at one end, and certainly abuse at various layers at the other end.

i don't think there's anything you can do personally, songbird, but you can make a loving, caring call.  some people say this is being a 'snitch', but i see it very differently.  i see it as deep concern for both your friend and her children.   they definitely need help, all three of them.  sending you a hug filled with care and concern as well.

[Three Roses]

I totally agree.

[Sceal]

Call the children service. If you're afraid of her knowing who you are, just refrain from telling your name.
Tell the service what you described here, both that you care for your friend. But also her kids are in dire need of care, and urgently it seems.

[Contessa]

Cannot add anything, but agree wholeheartedly with the other responses. The welfare of those children are first priority.

[songbirdrosa]

So it took a very long time to work up the courage to do it, but I called community services (I'm in Australia, btw ). They're going to follow it up so you guys are right, my concerns do have merit. I care a lot about her - we've been friends for nineteen years now - and those boys are like my own nephews. I really want to see them all be ok.

I only wish, thinking about it now, that someone would have seen it and done the same for me.

[Sceal]

I hope that your friend will get the help and structure she needs so she can take good care of her children.  And that the kids get better surroundings.

Hopefully it wont be too stressful and painful for that family now in the beginning. You did the right thing! It must have been difficult. 

[songbirdrosa]

Hopefully it wont be too stressful and painful for that family now in the beginning. You did the right thing! It must have been difficult. 

She's going to be absolutely furious when she finds out she's been reported :/. But the lady I talked to assured me that she'll never find out it was me. I really hope this turns out well. I want them to all get better.

[Sceal]

I bet she will be. But hopefully down the road she will realise it was for the best

[sanmagic7]

i think you did really good, songbird, and absolutely the right thing.  it came from your heart, from love and concern.  she may be angry at first, but, yes, hopefully down the line she'll be grateful.  same for the boys.  like you said, glad someone intervened on their behalf.  too bad it didn't happen for you, for sure.  maybe that's why you were able to recognize what was happening and do what needed to be done for someone else.  big hug.

[Blueberry]

 

I believe you that it was really hard to do! But it was the right thing. Somebody needed to inform the child protection services, or whatever they're called where you live. 

for you 

[songbirdrosa]

So it's been quite a long time, but I have an update on this situation. The child services where I live have opened an investigation into her. How did I find this out? My friend sent me a long, expletive-laden text message in a blind rage because a welfare worker had come to her house today and seen the state of the place. From what she said, and considering how well I know her, it looks like she's going to fight them at every step, and probably won't accept any responsibility or help.

I can only hope this turns out alright for the boys 

[Blueberry]

  and  to you songbirdrosa. It's good you reached out. Keep coming back as much as you need. I hope you can find support in real life atm too. Cuz it sounds as if you have an awful lot on your plate.

I hope you feel safe and not triggered?
Do you know the Healing Porch? http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=8269.msg61837#new Can be a great place to hang out if you need company and support especially when none available IRL. Idk if that's the case for you. I hope you do have somebody.

[Three Roses]

I'm glad to hear the update! You can't control what happens now, sad but true. We'll just have to hope no one drops the ball.