ah's backward journal (possible trigger warning)

[sanmagic7]

you go, ah!  that's the spirit.  there's a spark there that hasn't been diminished, and you've just begun fanning it into a flame.  that's all it takes.

and, thank you for your kind words.  they mean a lot to me.  i can't tell you how many tears i've loosed at an act of kindness tossed my way.  kindness toward me hits me like nothing else ever has. 

by the by, you're very precious as well.  don't ever forget that.  and your opinions are beautiful - i hope you keep them coming whenever possible.   sending a hug filled with love and cleansing tears.  they help wash the poison out.  and, we don't need no stinkin' poison!  right?  yeah!

[Andyman73]

ah,
My dearest friend, I would not leave nor forsake you, ever. I don't have any friends IRL, so I would cherish you as if my well being depended on it.  I wish I could show you, prove your inner critic wrong.

I promise you this, I will never abuse you. I will never blame you. I will never find fault in you.  While there is truth in the matter, that I don't know you, I certainly can't claim any dislike of you either. I know my past is mottled with mold and decay. The last person I let see past the wall, broke contact the next day. I will never know if I'm the reason or not. Sure felt like crushing blow.   

You are more than worthy of love and friendship my friend, you surely are.

[bogan]

I believe you also, Im not a great writer, but they gave me a few months if i was lucky, so I sold up and moved 11 months ago, NC with anyone, my Grown up kids are upset because I don't call them regularly to check their ok, but they have families and they don't believe I'm worth a call. Its hard because the only people that I feel any connection with are on this site. wishing you peace and sending you a hug (even though I dont ever touch people)

[ah]

sanmagic,
Not sure what to say. Can't really relate... you know how it is, all that you wrote is true about you. But not about me, pfht... but I'm trying.

Andy,
Sure you know me. True, some people IRL know what my face looks like, very few people and my face isn't interesting. It just has a nose and eyes and teeth... the usual. You know parts of me that they don't. I choose to tell you things and that, in my eyes, makes you all the things sanmagic said. Precious and seen and known.

tasman,
Ouch, how I know what you're describing.
So sorry you have to know what it's like. I don't touch people either but I think the hug you sent me did touch in a far better way because it made no assumptions about hugs being safe, or touching being comforting which to me it isn't. And it didn't belittle me or you. You're worth so much more than a call. Oh, cr*p... makes me angry for you, tasman. I'm so used to being treated this way that it feels normal to me, I just say to myself "yeah, it's because I'm filth, remember" but you aren't, and it breaks my heart you have to go through it.
I guess that's the long version of saying I'm glad you're here. And thanks...

[sanmagic7]

ah, whether you can relate or not doesn't bother me.  i see all that in you, so i know it's there.  you just can't see it yet.  i have faith that as you continue in recovery, one day you will see it and you'll remember this time when it was hidden from you.  it's the trauma, the messages that went with it that keep you, the real you, hidden from yourself.  if you can see it in others, then it has to be in you as well.

no pressure on this - it will come to you in your own time, at your own pace.  sending a safe, gentle cyber hug - no expectations. 

[Andyman73]

AH,
I really wish I could change that for you. Even just one IRL friend, only one, would make a mountain of difference. You, as much as any of us, deserve that chance, too. 💐🌺🌸🌈👫💖

[ah]

Friendships? People who notice you're alive? That's probably for people who are normal and lovable, which isn't you! Says my inner critic here.
But realistically, also, people don't like disabled people. It freaks them out. I don't look ill which freaks them out even more.

But you deserve it too, Andy 

Altogether there's no hope.
The stress I've been under in the past month took its toll. Anyway. Since there's no future I thought I'd hold it together by going back to the past. Writing down some of the things that brought me here, to this broken present.

So my "father", he had his routines, his ceremonies. I remember he had two particular nighttime ceremonies with me when I was small, for as long as I can remember. One I forgot (I'm glad I forgot, must have been ugly) but the other I haven't forgotten. It repeated itself, again and again. Always knew how it would end. Always led by the nose.
Now that I'm reading about c-ptsd, it's helpful to know some of my experiences and understand my self hatred better - but how I wish I didn't remember. I wasn't meant to remember, right? I was meant to just internalize it so deeply that it'd become me and that's that.

*Triggering ? - emotional abuse*

Erm. So, I guess he did this when he was... out hunting, you know, and there were no witnesses. He'd come into my room at night, lock eyes very strongly with mine without breaking eye contact, and begin:

"So you have this writing desk" he'd say. "Look at your desk. You come home from school every day and do your homework on it. You use it, think it's yours. But it's mine, I decide if it's here or not. One day you'll come here and it'll be gone and there's nothing for you to do about it. You don't deserve to have anything, it's on a whim that I decided to let you use it, temporarily, and I decide what happens to it, not you. It's my property. And you're my property, so I'll do whatever I want with you. If I want to kill you, I will."

Then he'd go through all the objects in my room, and my room, food in kitchen, everything I use. Reminding me never to feel safe, never to think for a moment I have a right to anything or that it won't be taken away from me without notice. Made sure I know he can do it any second, he just needs to feel like it. Nothing is reliable, or safe, or a right that I have. Everything is controlled by him, and I'm only allowed to use his things on a whim. Tomorrow all of them may be gone and there's nothing I can do or say about it.

When I seemed in enough pain he'd go on: "Your body, you think it's yours. You bathe it, feed it, do things with it. But it isn't yours, it's mine. I made it, it belongs to me. I decide if you live or die. Right now you're only alive because I decided on a whim that it's more entertaining for me to have you alive. But when I'll decide otherwise I'll just flip a switch and you'll be dead. And there's nothing you can do about it, I control you. You don't exist except as my extension."

"Your feelings, you think they're yours. They're not. I know everything you feel. You think you have a place to hide that's your own? What a joke. I make you feel everything. I pull your strings like a puppet. You have no emotions that I didn't program into you. Nothing in your mind is yours. It's mine. You're part of me, I own you, I turn your feelings on and off with the flip of a switch."

"And you. You think you exist, but you don't. You have no existence in the world except as an extension of me. You only think you exist because I want you to think that. When I decide I've had enough of you I'll just take care of it. You're so stupid to think you exist."

At this point I'd be so malleable that there was nothing left to hurt in me, I was too far gone.

Not sure what to... well, this is beyond ironic but I'm not sure what to feel. Not sure I have feelings. Never shared this with people, it's not something most people can understand.
I don't know. Self hatred, feeling unreal, feeling unworthy and inhuman, they were all taught to me since I was a baby. Not sure there's any way to change them. My brain grew that way. I grew knowing I was a nonexistent worthless toy.
Maybe it's a good thing to forget so much.

[Andyman73]

ah,
I see you. I value you highly. I'm not normal. And I love you as a friend and fellow human. And I see you in my future, and I will hold on to that hope for you, as well.

I find it quite interesting, if your thoughts are actually his...would it not then, be self defeating, for him to allow you to be here? And posting this stuff about wht he did to you? It's like a criminal confessing to his crimes on social media, thinking there's no way to catch him.

See, I think there is some normal good healthy human emotions in you still.  And I'm going to stay and be your friend and walk with you every step of every day...we'll get there(where ever that is) together, my friend.

[sanmagic7]

ditto what andy said.

your father was wrong in so many ways, on so many levels.  you were born precious and innocent, and while he may have had the power to take away your innocence, he was never able to take away the intrinsically precious being you are, we all are.  he was able to trample your spirit, but he couldn't disintegrate your soul.

the proof is here, you're writing here, your being here.  you are reaching out from a place he was never able to touch.  a place you've been able to rely on even when you didn't know it.  it's still there for you - we all see it and hear it.  we all support it, acknowledge it, validate it, and value it.  he was never able to take away your strength, determination, and intuition.

those are parts of you that have helped you survive, have given us the gift of you.  yes, you are a gift, an inspiration.  you say you have no future, so you show the courage he couldn't take away by writing about the past.  you are so much more than those things he told you about, and he wasn't able to take away the very essence of you.   you are the winner of this battle, even if you don't realize it yet.

sending a warm, loving hug filled with continuing clarity and comfort for the rest of your journey.

[Blueberry]

ah, your F sounds sadistic beyond imaginable.

We on here, we notice that you're alive! We care about you. I know, i know that's not quite the same as a friend IRL, who you can see and touch and whose voice you can hear and with whom you can do things, go places. But sometimes the others on here mean far more to me because they and you understand me in a way that people who are not on this forum seldom do.

[Blueberry]

the proof is here, you're writing here, your being here.  you are reaching out from a place he was never able to touch.  a place you've been able to rely on even when you didn't know it.  it's still there for you - we all see it and hear it.  we all support it, acknowledge it, validate it, and value it.  he was never able to take away your strength, determination, and intuition.

those are parts of you that have helped you survive, have given us the gift of you.  yes, you are a gift, an inspiration.  you say you have no future, so you show the courage he couldn't take away by writing about the past.  you are so much more than those things he told you about, and he wasn't able to take away the very essence of you.   you are the winner of this battle, even if you don't realize it yet.

beautifully put. Words fail me atm to adequately describe what I sense in you, ah, but san has put it well.

[DecimalRocket]

Ah, your father was downright abusive and terrible. It was him who deserved the blame, not you.

You're worth it as a human being. You're worth it as a friend here. You're worth it from all the kindness you've given me and other people here. It is really something to be so gentle towards others despite all the abuse that's happened to you.

You've shown you've owned something. You own the words you said in this journal. You own the words you said to other people here. You own the emotions of hurt and blame towards yourself. You own the emotions of compassion towards others.

They say action speaks more than words, but do they really? Sometimes these words can say much more after all.

[ah]

Thanks all, I don't have the strength to thank you each individually but in my heart I just did. (Yeah, doesn't really count... I know... sorry)

I used to call my F "Lucifer". I ran away from him as a teenager, then couldn't run anymore 

Was just thinking of one of his weirdest stints today. So as an adult, long after running away, I became very ill as a result of abuse. I went to doctors trying to get a diagnosis, I was getting worse and worse, dying, only had very little time left, didn't know what the problem was (turned out to be a combination of genetic predisposition mixed with abuse repercussions. Nice) I was so ill and weak I couldn't drive; couldn't take public transportation; couldn't work anymore so had no money to get around.

Then out of the blue my rather estranged F offered to take me to doctors' appointments. To help. I was dying, said yes. Appreciated it. Felt relieved. Focused on saving myself from whatever it was my body had.
Felt sick spending time with him but had no other choice so I said yes, thanks.

We got to one fancy doctor's office with dozens and dozens of impressive diplomas on the walls. Very intimidating guy. I describe my symptoms. My fear. My questions.

My father started getting friendly with the doctor. Joked. Then started lying. Told the doctor unbelievable lies. Said I'm a psych case.  Said there's nothing wrong with me physically. I'm obsessed with imaginary illnesses. Told stunning lies with a completely straight face. The doctor bought it hook, line and sinker. The two of them cooperated. I was threatened with a psych evaluation against my will. Forced to agree. I was told there was nothing wrong with me physically. Offered a deal: go to 3 specialists who will all tell you it's all in your head, then finally go to psych therapy and get the help you need. My F sat there grinning widely. They ganged up on me.

I fell apart mentally and physically outside the doctor's office. My F played dumb.

He did this several times. Sat behind me as I talked to a doctor, rolling his eyes at the doctor while I spoke then smiling sweetly at me. Made sure I kept deteriorating. Made sure doctors were sure I was insane. Made sure I wasn't tested or diagnosed in time. Made every effort to get me to doubt myself too. I was so weak, so physically deteriorated. Didn't see his game.

By the time I was diagnosed shortly afterward it was already too late. 
Could have been prevented if some of those doctors believed me. Just one is all it took. But he made sure it wouldn't happen.

I have no name for this behavior, seems beyond violence. Just... if there was an emoji of me throwing up violently, I'd put it right here. Disgusted by his sadistic insanity, disgusted by my naive stupid trust, disgusted by the doctors' indifference and negligence, by feeling like an alien. By being fooled into death by Lucifer. Again. How dumb could I be 

But my brain wasn't working well, I was physically dying... couldn't think. Just wanted to save myself. Hung onto his pretense of normalcy.
Well, now I'm paying the full price.

[Three Roses]

  I'm so sorry this happened to you! I simply have no words for how evil I think this was, to do to you.

We should have been nurtured and protected. I'm standing with you, ah, thru thick and thin.

[Blueberry]

Dear ah, words fail me here. The indescribable evilness of your F. It was an evil and malicious betrayal of you.

You weren't dumb and it wasn't your fault. Who in their right mind would believe that their parent could behave with that amount of evil?? There are people who like somebody to go with them to ask the right questions and remember the answers and so on when they go to the doctor's for something really serious. Because it is hard to take all that in and ask the correct questions at the right time instead of thinking of them afterwards. I mean, the situation at the docs is hard enough as it is without you having to see through your F's evil ploys. Really, it's not your fault. It's your F's fault.

You are brave to be opening up with your history.