Hoping to grow by writing to all of you.

[usedtohaveabounceinmystep]

Trigger Warning:  vague reference to others suicides

I have known I have severe CPTSD for a few years now. "My therapist said so."  She looked right in my eyes and said, "You have severe CPTSD."  She also said I have one of the worst stories she has ever heard.  I still don't understand this.  Apparently, I had a traumatic childhood and adulthood.  So splitting childhood and adulthood, as it says in the intro.  I'm not sure how that will work. My stories involve others suicides, but, the intro says not to mention that, except in the threads for that.  But, suicidal people trigger me and I am not suicidal. Maybe there is a thread for survivors of people who suicided? My local support group has been SOS. Survivors of...

  I had gone to an intensive workshop at a trauma center a few years back.  One of the men who had been to years of treatment and groups shook his head and was in disbelief at the end of hearing my story "activity."  He said, "How are you so normal? I don't get it. I never would have believed on Monday that you could have such a horrible story. I have been to these places across the country, hearing hundreds of stories. Yours is the worst."  I am confused why people say this.  I know it's not the worst story.  I see worse stories in the news. I say this because, while it's validating, it is confusing, and it makes me afraid to speak my truth.  I don't want to upset anyone. So, the confusion and hesitation to speak, and the lack of awareness of how I "fit" in to life has been part of my story.  Can I ever fit in? Do I horrify people?  Am I in denial? Is this just going to be happening again and again forever?  Is my life "supposed" to be tragic?  Am I being led to be a suicide counselor? Am I just too care-taking? How can I stop?  I ache for all the other people suffering in the world.  I try to do a good deed everyday, to make someone's day better.  I try to make my days better.  I don't have the worst story, and I think I can overcome this, but, I realize, it's "bad enough" that I need help.  So, I am back, heading into psychology stuff again, a therapist, and since there is no local group I have found, I will try here. 

I have done a lot of self-work, for about five years, but, took a break to try to just live life.   I am feeling hopeful about finding this forum, grateful you all are here.  My story, is many stories, it's long.  Should I tell it in sections in this thread? I want to note that I am not a veteran and my stories really can't compare with that level of trauma they may have suffered.  Thank you to all veterans for your service and may peace be with you and all others who read this.   My real questions are in bold.

[Hope66]

Hi Usedtohaveabounceinmystep,

I wanted to Welcome you to the forum, and just say that I really hope you'll find the forum to be a helpful and validating place.  I don't know if there's a thread specifically related to suicides - but I am sure one of the Moderators will point you in the right direction - if there is. 

I struggle sometimes to write, and I find that I'm struggling a bit now - but what I want to say is that there is a section called 'Recovery Journals' where some of us are sharing our experiences and those are really helpful.

I think that reading around the forum, you'll find where you want to write - and I hope you'll find support here and I am glad you've come here - because I think it's a very supportive forum.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hi Usedtohaveabounce inmystep and welcome to the forum 

As Hope writes, the Moderators will point you in the right direction if there is a thread specifically for suicides as a cause of C-PTSD. I know there is a thread for suicide ideation and self-harm, but that's not your issue.

The rule against posting about suicide is to avoid the discussion going into really bad places, e.g. plans. But I'm sure the Moderators will help you find a healthy medium between posting enough for yourself and not triggering others.

We with C-PTSD often think everybody else's story is worse than our own. I guess everybody telling you your story sounds so awful are validating you and what you've been through. It's pretty unfortunate that you are now frightened of telling your story, because expressing the truth can help us heal bit by bit. Being heard, having witnesses.
I personally am not upset by what you've written, at least not so far. That's what trigger warnings are for anyway, to warn me away when things are too much for me.

I find this forum very supportive, I hope you do too once you find out where and how to post best.

[BlancaLap]

Welcome to the forum! I hope you find what you need here. If you wanna recommendations for books I have a few. Bye!

[usedtohaveabounceinmystep]

Thank you!

[usedtohaveabounceinmystep]

Blancalap, I am open to looking at books, yes.  Thank you.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, usedtohaveabounceinmystep! I'll call you UTHABIMS for short.

The sub-board ("child board") for suicidal ideation/ self harm - http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=223.0. I think an actual attempt would qualify. There's a Read Me First post that will explain how to phrase things.

We have childhood and adult sections at the request of our members. You are free to post wherever feels best for you.

I know what you mean about telling your story and then feeling like you overshared. We also have a journal section where you can write about experiences: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=61.0. Again, please read the guidelines for that section first.

I hope you find this forum as helpful and supportive as many of us have! Thanks for joining.

[sanmagic7]

hi, usedto  . . .or uthabims, as 3roses mentioned.

welcome, i'm really glad you're here.  there are no comparisons here - each person's story is valid and real and has had long-lasting effects on our lives.  it doesn't matter how we came to be traumatized or when it happened - what matters is that we have been traumatized and are now looking to heal.

one of the most healing things i have found here is the unconditional acceptance and support i've gotten.  it hasn't mattered if i wasn't aware of something, or became aware later, whether it happened as a child or adult - i just started writing where i thought it fit. 

your story is yours alone, and will be respected as such.   a gentle hug for you (if you want it).

[usedtohaveabounceinmystep]

Thank you all for your warm welcomes.  very cool.  I will just try to find where I feel I fit in and try to stick to the guidelines. I will try to pick a shorter name. lol.

[Three Roses]

You can change your displayed name easily - if you need help just ask

[ah]

Hi eh... willhavethebounceinmystepback...? 
Welcome, I can totally relate to the "wow, what a story! how are you so sane?!" responses.
My life fits into that category too and I often feel the same. My life is surreal and I ended up feeling very isolated from others.
You're absolutely not a weirdo here.
I think being able to feel pain is what we have in common, that's the most important thing.
The stories are all different, being able to imagine what other people here are feeling is the thing that makes these forums powerful.
I'm glad you're here. 

[Andyman73]

Hello person with a reaaaaaaaaaaaaly long name! 😁

Only one person ever told me something like that.  There's a young Marine at my job. He's been to both Iraq and Afghanistan, in combat, been hurt and lost friends. He told me something like what you've been told. He thinks what I been through trumps what he's been through. His words, not mine. 
When he asked me how I can manage to even function in real life, how do I handle it? Said I don't, that's how. Said I can barely peek at it for more than a few seconds at a time. Any longer than that and it will overtake me.

So....a Marine combat Vet thinks I went through some horrible experiences.

[Rainagain]

For what its worth I have been told 'I don't know how you have coped' often.

People talk to me about their tragedies but tend to say 'of course its nothing compared to you'.

I don't agree with that line of thought really, I coped by becoming so far from what I was that I am a different person, I coped by suppressing my emotions and developing cptsd, I coped because I had children to care for so had no choice but to cope.

Its not how dire things have been, its how you carry it all, its how you carry on that matters, in my case its often not been pretty but I have carried on somehow.

Lots of people here have worse stories than me.

But pain is pain whatever your story, if your life has been painful then I'm the same as you.

Imagine we were all on a boat that left us marooned on an island.

None of us chose to be here, probably most of us expected to be somewhere else entirely. But we are all here now, what can we do now to make the best of our predicament?

I'm probably talking nonsense, it happens.....

[BlancaLap]

I can't agree more

[Andyman73]

Rainagain....

You are so amazing and strong!!! Just wanted to recognize the incredible survivor you really are.