x

[bheart]

   xx

[keepfighting]

Hi, bheart,



For what it's worth: Your (former) t sounds like a narcissistic d1ckh@#d who uses his counselling practise to get lots of primary N supply. Truly: The fault is NOT with you, in any way, and though t sessions often put you through a lot of turmoil emotionally, shame should never ever  be an emotion with which you leave the session. Truly: None of it was your fault nor your doing!!!! He is just one bad apple and neither represents all counsellors nor all Christians. You deserve better than this! 

I am so sorry you have to deal with this now on top of everything else.

(By the way: When I stopped t last year, I took a small present for my t to the last session - a tiny box of the Belgian chocolates that were the first step out of my depression and served as a lifeline for me for a while. It was meant as a nice token present and she was genuinely pleased about it - no awkwardness at all).

Hang in there and post away here! We're here for you as best as we can. 

Best wishes, kf

[wingnut]

Hey, Bheart -

I can relate to much of what you are saying because I go round and round with my relationship with my T, but it's usually in my head.

I understand the attachment thing. That was the first thing I thought about when I committed to go - that I would probably get very attached to this person once I let them earn my trust and get close to me, how would I ever be able to leave? As a friend of mine explained, I would grow strong enough to not need her, and it would be a gradual taper from seeing her, not a sudden door slam. Well, I am sorry  you are getting the door slam. That is TOUGH. However, I do see the red flags you are seeing - four weeks of not responding to an email? Come on, they owe us more than that.

I am going through some crap with my therapist right now. For example, she takes a LOT of time off for travel. I figured out today I have seen her eight times in the last 4 months, granted, not all her fault, there were holidays in there, but I feel she is only half in, not all in. I also mentioned a couple of times my want to quit, and she didnt pick  up on it. I confronted her via email 3x whether or not she really wants to work with me. She ensured me that she does.

It is a truly unique relationship, one that is not balanced. It is tough to remember that WE are paying THEM and we should be getting what we need. WE have the right to say it, expect it, clarify it, take the wheel. NOT easy, because they do assume a position of POWER. Sometimes we have to take back the wheel. When we do this, there may be feelings of stirring the pot, being a bad girl, feeling shame, because we are verbalizing our needs, and that is new and unusual.

I suspect that perhaps there may be a kinder person out there willing to make more of a connection or commitment with you. It does sound like maybe there are some abandonment issues at hand, and your T hasn't stepped up. My .02. Best to you.

[Annegirl]

   oh Bheart.
I so can understand this whole scenario. To be honest  your T handled it worse than any person. He punished you for writing expressing yourself to him. Very unprofessional and immature of him.
On a positive point i am so glad you know now what and who and how he is. I think what you hoped he was thinking most of the time wasnt actually what he was thinking. This is what i have also done with my T sometimes, i wished she was my mother and hoped she felt that way too. All in the name of searching for unconditional love and acceptance. I hope you find a professional T who actually cares. That is what you need,  i wouldnt look in the Christian arena for that anymore personally since Christians were the ones who helped my mother try to break up my now husband's and mine's engagement and many other things like slapping one of my children who didnt realise for a few seconds there was a line at Sunday school.
(I dont go to church anymore)
There are a rare few people who have had great upbringings and make good T's or friends.
Your T has done so much extra trust damage now, i am so glad you will never see him again. He shouldnt even be  a cousellor. If he had handled this lovingly and professionally you may have grown so much from this experience. Instead you learnt what hes really like. Good to discover this.

There is a higher love and until the Christians and society in general stop their reward and punishment system no one will discover it. We are not G-d and it is not for us to judge people, "....only to love without expect of a return, because if we expect a return it becomes a business exchange and we move away from being actual love..... ( Naomi Aldort) the whole saying is this and i am pointing the finger at your T, how he and your parents " should" have been with you.

Loving is here and unlimited. When we tap into it (our true being) we feel peace, joy and completeness. When we stray from being love ( when we expect a return it is not love), we suffer. We become trapped in " ego"  or mind stories of business exchange. "I love my child, he should love me in return, or appreciate, understand, respect, be grateful...you name it. The moment you think of getting something in"return" for anything you are not present to life nor can you really love ot give."

I would like to write more and will but my daughter is needing me right now

[Kizzie]

Lots of      and more    BHeart.

I think you need to open the door or a window and throw all that shame right out, and then give yourself a huge pat on the back for knowing that you deserved (and deserve) much, much better - a kinder, gentler and more caring T who will not provoke or assist your IC in shaming you. 

You deserve to be attached to other human beings including your T, we all do.  Therapy is a human relationship for heaven's sake and for us in particular it is about building trust in a relationship, key words being "in a relationship."  For a T to pretend otherwise is nonsense.

I once gave a T flowers from my garden and he accepted them with grace and genuine appreciation because it was a gesture from one human being to another.  If he had rejected them I would have flooded with feelings of abandonment and shame, and I probably would not have realized back then that it was not professional or humane for that matter. But you did so my take away is that you did not abandon yourself in all of this!  That is worth pondering (and perhaps even celebrating  )
   

[Annegirl]

Hi again,
It feels awful when the one person you have put so much trust in turns out to be a .......
I don't know if this will help, but my mother treated me like, if she was feeling something I should be feeling exactly the same way, this screwed up my empathy and my whole idea of love for years and years. No one can force you to do anything against your will. When you said no, about your letter, he should have respected that, instead he kept forcing you, I used to allow my husband to force me against my will but not anymore. it is our choice to allow someone to force or not. That is our victim mentality and it makes me angry that your T wasn't even aware of that.

I really admire you and you inspire me so much you will rise from the ground like a skyscraper and grow from this experience. Have you heard the song skyscraper?

  with love

[Annegirl]

 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_8ydghbGSg

[morph]

I agree that this thread shows that you have courage and you didn't abandon yourself.

It appears that he is not emotionally mature enough to take the role of councilor.  I have very limited experience with Ts but it seems that there are an awful lot of incompetent ones out there.   I am also looking for a T myself and would have been wounded by his selfish righteousness about forcing you to humiliate yourself -  maybe visualize his counseling certificate being nailed to to his pompous 'holier than thou' forehead - not sure if that's particularly helpful but I don't like him.

The shame is not yours, its his.

[Annegirl]

Oh I'm so happy about that Bheart! Truly, it's one of my favourites too.
It's so deep, and yes powerful, so much meaning behind it.
Music touches
where words can't

[keepfighting]

Maybe by the end of the year I will have the maturity of a grown up.....

LOL 

Good going! I'm glad your new t is working out so well for you.

Good luck with your EMDR.