Very few memories of childhood...

[Resca]

I'm still trying to understand dissociation and how it relates to strictly emotional/psychological trauma.

Just started reading C-PTSD (Walker) and I'm stuck because I'm realizing I don't really have that many memories of being a kid. I have a few distinct memories - mostly neutral or bad, but a few good - and some third-party memories that I only "remember" because other people told me. But it's mostly just this blanket feeling of confusion, apathy, or being alone and unsure. I know good things happened to me and I know bad things happened, but it feels like nothing really stuck. It's making me worried that this emotional veneer is just me trying to "create" trauma, so to speak. After all, the brain does tend to preserve the negative over the positive.

Is this normal?

[Three Roses]

I think it's normal, yes. It's certainly very common here to hear people say that they're afraid they're making things up or exaggerating the abuse they went thru. But statistically we're more like to downplay and de-emphasize any abuse we went thru.

As children, we know on some level that our survival depends on being in a family that will protect and care for us. When this feeling is threatened, it is very difficult for our young mind to grasp and can feel too scary to contemplate. So, since we live where we do, our minds do the one thing they can to ameliorate the situation - we explain it away. It's just too threatening for us to think about.

Additionally, we can also grow up being told things like "You don't know how lucky you have it" and "You don't know what you're talking about", so we continue to trust the judgment of those in charge. Until the blinders come off, that is.

Trust your gut instinct but move at a slow pace; don't rush or force yourself to remember things. And in fact it's best to have professional help to do so. Best wishes with this!

[Resca]

Additionally, we can also grow up being told things like "You don't know how lucky you have it" and "You don't know what you're talking about", so we continue to trust the judgment of those in charge. Until the blinders come off, that is.

It's like you walked right into my childhood and brought a quote back with you. I do remember hearing that a lot, or the similar alternative "You should be more grateful; most people don't have it as good as you." Now that you bring that up, I can see how hearing it so often at a young age would code the brain to discount negative experiences as "not that bad." I actually remember thinking at the time that my experience was all I had so comparison did nothing to help me. But I guess the push to compare wasn't really about me, huh?

It's scary to feel like you don't have a good grasp on where or what I come from. But, as you said, my childhood experience may well have been a lot worse if I had faced my situation at the time. I just don't know if it's worth or/necessary to work on uncovering those specific memories or just work on the feelings surrounding the missing time. Do you have any experience with this? Or recommendations?

[Three Roses]

I have a few things to say, I guess

Take your time, move at your own pace. Don't try to force it, let it come when it will.

If you decide to work on remembering your childhood please do it with help. I did it on my own with a book and flattened myself for a few years. I'm not out of it yet.

Lastly, educate yourself. This will help you know what direction to go, and will help you discern when someone you need to choose (a doctor, a therapist, etc.) doesn't know what the bleep they're talking about. The Body Keeps The Score is a great place to start, and it's available on YouTube for free.
https://youtu.be/EKjBM6MxTKg Part 1, and https://youtu.be/KSo699qcHfQ Part 2

Hang in there, keep us posted.

[BlancaLap]

It is normal and it happens to me (and to a lot of other people too). It is just dissociation + dissociative amnesia, but i think you already know that. Just want you to know that I relate to your post and that you're not alone. Good luck!

[Resca]

Thanks, Blanca Sometimes just knowing that your weird stuff is normal and understood by someone is all it takes.

And good timing, Three Roses! I just got The Body Keeps the Score in the mail. It's my next read after I get through the Walker book, which is a little slow going at this point. It's amazing how much emotion that book drags out of me, but I think it's a good thing.

[Andyman73]

Forgetting your childhood isn't that uncommon. Even in healthy people, especially as you get farther away from it. However, traumatized people begin to separate from non-traumatized people...in regards to this discussion, when you look back and can't remember things. Looking at photographs or listening to old friends or family telling stories of years gone by...and you have no idea what they're going on about...even though you were there too.

I've been abused starting at age 2, as far as I've remembered so far, and 42 years later...still being abused. But until this year, all those memories were suppressed.  Now, I've had a few memories from that earliest year, good memories, that I've always remembered. But there are blank spots that cover huge chunks of time. And yes, I do suffer lost/missing time episodes, and I do have diagnosed memory malfunction. And I've had at least 2 major concussions as a young child too.

Interestingly enough, my abuse memories feel real while many of my other memories feel flat, no emotional attachment or peripheral memories associated with them.

[Cookido]

I experience the same as you. When I look back at my memories from my childhood, it's like observing someone else. I don't feel as if it's my life I'm remembering, which also makes me question if it's real or if I just made up a whole story around my life.

What helped me was talking to a friend who were around during my childhood and later years. She could confirm a lot of the things I experienced and she had also experienced some of the same things. She was the one who took initiative to talk about it, because I would never feel able to bring it up myself. I was lucky in that way and not everyone has the possibility to view their trauma from another persons perspective.  But if you have someone you feel safe talking to who have known you as a child, it might help sharing memories to someone who can confirm the reality of it.

This is just my personal experience and I have not myself yet been to therapy for CPTSD. I can therefore not say if it would help or do harm for you.

[Resca]

I'm so sorry to hear that you're still suffering through your trauma, Andyman. It must be such a burden to bear while simultaneously trying to heal. That said, I think it shows a tremendous strength for you to be fighting for yourself while still under siege. And you're definitely not alone if your feelings about your past. There seems to be a lot of people here whose dissociated from their trauma and don't remember it that well but I, like you, feel the traumatic memories more vividly. Perhaps it's because even as kids, we became convinced that the good stuff wasn't "for us," so to speak, and didn't want to build up hope. Like a defense mechanism to stay vigilant and not get too "soft." It's kind of tragic, but I can see how it would make more sense to a child who always needs to be ready to defend themselves physically and/or mentally.

Thank you very much for the suggestion, Coolkido. That's actually something I've been considering for a while now, ever sense I started trying to rebuild relationships with the kinder branches of my FOO. I do think it could help, as you said, because there's someone else who can "confirm the reality of it." Knowing how hard it is to feel that sort of distance from reality, I'm so happy for you that someone was able to see what you needed and bring that confirmation into your life. I sincerely hope it helps with your healing.

[Andyman73]

Resca,

Thank you. My wife, who I've known for nearly 22 years, is an abusive narcissist.  She scored a 39 out of 40 on the narcissist assessment. I scored a 0.  The number of times she SA/R and PA me....well into 4 digits each. Of course it's my fault. Really. Without knowing, I chose a punisher, like my own mother was, when I was a kid. At least the PA stopped over a year ago, and the SA/R stopped this past Spring.  The other forms of abuse.....not so much. I will be leaving her in the coming Spring. I can't remember.....but I think she's my 25th abuser....if I'm not counting all the bullies...

[LittleBird]

My experience of dissociation is that it had been a natural protective resource to get me through coping with trauma. It had blanketed a lot - protectively but also in a way I just couldn't get passed the re-experiencing. It's tough.

I can only advise you to go really slowly, with as much help as is available if you suspect there are some difficult experiences. Go at your own pace and be gentle with yourself.

[AphoticAtramentous]

You're really not alone with these memory issues. I have a lot of difficulty in this as well. I hardly remember anything from my childhood. :S It can be frustrating.