Letter to my husband

[mar74]

I am wondering if I can ask others with C-PTSD or just PTSD to read this and tell me if you feel lit describes it pretty well. I have been diagnosed with PTSD which I'm sure is really C-PTSD and I have not been able to make my husband understand. He thinks a joke! He laughs at it and says I'm unforgiving etc. But I relive all the horrible things he's done, now, here in the present from so many triggers! I wrote this letter out a couple nights ago and I'd like to give it to our therapist because I don't even think she gets it! None have in the past either. I need him to understand, even though we are separated and 1200 miles apart, we are doing couples therapy online and I have established no contact as of yesterday, but I need him to finally get this and quit laughing it off like I'm exaggerating! Please if you can give me your thoughts on this letter I wrote him that I am going to give to our therapist to read and maybe go over with him in his next session. (We're doing it separately now)

Letter:
I guess I keep dwelling on the past and trying to tell every therapist we go to the precise details of everything that's happened to me in the past so they can be aware of it all and how bad it truly was because PTSD triggers are causing me to relive it NOW and have been since it all happened. Only my psychiatrist seemed to get that. It's not that I can't let go, it's that PTSD won't LET me Let go!
Things I have/do experience:
The horrible startle reflex that makes me feel like I'm going to have a heart attack from you walking into a room or an unexpected noise or movement.
Extreme forgetfulness
Foggy thinking
Night sweats
Elevated heart rate
Difficulty swallowing
Throwing up
Disassociation
Day dreaming a good majority of my days away
Panic attacks
Disruptive sleep
Extreme fatigue
Body aches & Pains (even when I was very young twenties)
Lack of focus
Extreme distrust
Hypervigilance when alone and sometimes with others
Flashbacks
Mood fluctuations – this one needs to be paid special attention to! I am not Bipolar. C-PTSD comes with extreme mood fluctuations for many people that can be caused by triggers, or just from the trauma over time. You think I am, but I am very self-aware. I've known since I was small with all the mental illness I saw around me that I would always have to be vigilant about my mental health and I have been! See, all the symptoms on the list that I go through can all be so easily mistaken even by experienced doctors as other mental illnesses such as Bipolar disorder like you think I have.
I think I've been crying for help for years now and trying to get one single therapist to realize this and help me make you understand. Then we could all work together on a plan and we'd have the complete clarity on where all the disagreements have stemmed from for all these years!
I'm experiencing PTSD and your mad thinking I dwell in the past because I'm unforgiving, but with PTSD or C-PTSD, YOUR PAST, IS MY PRESENT! 

[JamesG]

In all honesty, he won't get it. He can't afford to get it because his whole mindset is based on the world being wrong and him being right and dropping that is more than he can do. I've been this with my ex and my business partner, they just cannot begin to accept culpability, it will never happen. The simple rule of thumb with people is this, if they cause pain, they will keep causing pain and it will be the victim's fault. There will never be an epiphany, they have made that impossible.

The kindest people ask themselves the cruellest questions, the cruellest people never ask themselves anything at all.

[Three Roses]

I agree with James. Your therapist may gain some insight but I doubt your h will. Have you considered he may be a narcissist?

Here's a link to printable info we have for health care professionals on CPTSD which is much different and much more common than simple PTSD. http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/

Btw, complex just means more than one injury, while simple means just one event like an accident or crime. It doesn't mean it's more complicated.

[mar74]

Oh ok! I see then yes I must have C-PTSD because there has been extensive abuse over time.  I am going to send it to my therapist and hopefully, she can at least help me even if he doesn't get it.  And yes he is narcissist/psychopath either of those to a "T"!   He even admits it that he is both, he also admits he's been abusive but doesn't seem driven to correct it, which boggles my mind.

[Blueberry]

I agree with 3Roses and James that your h is unlikely to understand, or if he does he likely won't care. I base that on your saying he admits he's been abusive but doesn't seem too interested in correcting it.

My M admitted to abuse, though she didn't call it that, but also saw no reason for change. She figured if she apologised to her small child that was enough. Not to me BTW but to B1. She never apologised to me, apparently she didn't / doesn't see she did any wrong. Apologising or just admitting to and then continuing the abuse?? You're right it's 

I've tried explaining in FOO over the years and depending on who I was speaking to there was either no understanding or professed understanding that got turned on me on some other occasion. It's tough going. Hope you can help your T to understand you better with what you've written.

[JamesG]

I also think that any attempt to reason with abusers using knowledge of this subject is destructive to you because it will be roundly dismissed and rob you of whay may have been helping. They have very very thick defences and there is little defence apart from no contact. The biggest part of this recovery for me has been understanding that closure is a lonely private act for people in our position and will never be the soothing mutual thing we crave. Narcicists and psycopaths afre on a par with animals in our ability to reason with them. Walk away and stay away.

[LittleBird]

You've described a lot of physical symptoms and it does sound like C-PTSD. Try and be gentle with yourself and rest when possible.

The physical distance might be helpful. By denying wrongdoing he's maintaining a kind of high ground over you. It's likely that without him admitting to his behaviour, he is feeling superior while triggering an emotional response from you.

Pete Walker's book explains Narcissistic/Fight behaviours stem from childhood abuse too. If he feels you're accusing him of not being good enough, his defence is to insist that he is. Evidence has stacked up against this behaviour. I hope he can find a place to admit all this to himself.

Be gentle with yourself - it sounds exhausting.

[sanmagic7]

i agree with the others, mar.  i hope your t will have a lightbulb moment.  because c-ptsd is not recognized in the dsm-5, the therapist's bible, it's possible she won't 'get it' either.  if not, i hope you can find a new t who is more versed in complex trauma. 

sending a hug filled with best wishes and strength

[ah]

Hi mar,
I totally agree too.
Till a year or two ago, I'd have sent such a letter and tried to explain myself, ask for understanding, beg for kindness. But I think now I wouldn't, because I guess it begs the question:
If there's a person in your life who isn't getting it, are they essentially a kind, empathic individual who could be better educated on trauma, or are they uncaring?
If they're uncaring, the sad truth is such people will often use personal information we share with them as ammunition to hurt us even further. Sharing with them won't improve things, sharing less may be wise.

James,
What you wrote about closure being a lonely private act... I memorized that so I can remind myself whenever I forget. Thanks so much, you're absolutely right.

etymon,
Re. narcissists / c-ptsd fight type, I think they can seem similar from the outside when they're angry, but they're very different.
An angry person with c-ptsd would feel shame, guilt, regret, low self esteem, the lot. But a narcissist could lash out not to defend themselves but just to attack because it's fun - without shame or regret, without empathy, with amazingly high self confidence. Altogether just the opposite of someone with c-ptsd.
If a person is hurt, that's no excuse for abuse.
A person with c-ptsd who's hurting will go to therapy, self educate and work on themselves forever to find ways to improve. But a narcissist won't.
Seeing the difference between narcissists and normal hurt people can save lives. Narcissists thrive on society not knowing the difference, but there is a huge difference.
Just my two cents.

[Rainagain]

Mar74,
I think you could look at why you need him to recognise what he has done.
If it is for his benefit then you owe him nothing.
If its for your benefit then you face disappointment and further hurt.
Do what is best for you, which is to protect yourself from any more harm.
You are vulnerable and he is lacking in empathy or compassion so you will only be hurt further.

I identify with your letter, I used to think that if only I explained things clearly enough the penny would drop. It didn't because it wasn't a problem with understanding, it was caring about me that was missing all along.

[Blueberry]

I identify with your letter, I used to think that if only I explained things clearly enough the penny would drop. It didn't because it wasn't a problem with understanding, it was caring about me that was missing all along.

painful as it is to realise.

[JamesG]

rubbishing counselling and psychology is a total cliche Mar. Narcs cannot face any self analysis because it involves the notion that what they think might not be right. That is like cutting the fins off a shark for them.

You have to escape the idea that there is ever going to be anything that can change this man. No idea, phrase, light on the road to Damascus... nothing. He would probably rather trigger nuclear armageddon than ask himself anything.

No contact, no looking back. It's the only way. Don't waste a single moment longer hoping for closure or resolution, it's impossible.

[Rainagain]

Mar
None of this is your fault. He clearly has a twisted agenda, no remorse and no empathy.
We have all been in your situation, you are not alone.
Its a one sided damaging relationship which is why no contact is such a good idea.

[JamesG]

was talking with someone the other day and this phrase came up.

"the kindest people ask themselves the cruellest questions. The cruellest people ask themselves nothing at all."

[LittleBird]

I like that quote too. I've had a rough year of introspection that came about in a dramatic way. I'm grateful my understanding has grown.

mar74, I'm sorry to hear he's acting like that, it's unfair. I hope you can take some rest in the no contact and feel a bit of peace.