Scared to let myself go

[songbirdrosa]

I guess this is a part two to my earlier post on this board about being confused as to whether or not a friend is interested in me. Well, it's becoming increasingly clear that there's definitely something there. On my side, at the very least. On his side, I'm around 85% sure there is. But, my quest to figure all this out has lead me to a rather unsettling realisation. He's not the confusing one. I am.

I've looked up body language, flirting, various other signs, and they've all shown me how blatantly unaware I've been of my own rather obtuse behaviour. My body language is closed off, I barely make eye contact, I struggle to maintain a good conversation, and it just doesn't make sense. Why? Because in my head, I'm absolutely going nuts over this guy. But the rest of my body just doesn't seem to want to register that fact. And I can't figure out why. Is it because I was never really exposed to good communication and openness as a child? Is it because I'm shy, awkward, and nervous? Is it my fight/flight response still trying to protect me from a supposed "danger"? Maybe it's some unholy combination of all of them plus a few more.

What really hurts is that I'm only just now realising that this is probably why I've had such dreadful luck with relationships in the past. I was sabotaging myself, and I didn't even know it! I've been trying really hard for the past few days to consciously do the things I haven't been doing until now. Looking at him more, asking questions, making myself more approachable, and it seems to be working. I initiated little touches yesterday, and today he hugged me twice!

Who knows. Maybe one day I'll go from this: 
To this: 

[sanmagic7]

it sounds like you're making some pos. progress, songbird.  good for you.

as far as the why's you mentioned, it could be any/all of them.  i would guess fear plays a part - fear of not deserving something good, fear of being hurt, fear of messing up, etc.  but, it sounds like you're taking some small steps that are helping you move thru the fear(s), and that's great.

big hug filled with future promise

[Blueberry]

Sounds like progress to me too  For me it would be really hard to make the changes you are doing, like initiating little touches. So with that in mind, I say Yay you!!