A now former friend TW sexual assault

[blackaltis07]

I wasn't sure where to post this since my C-PTSD was absolutely caused by my abusive childhood but back in 2010 I was sexually assaulted by a (as of this week) former gay friend. My wife (girlfriend at the time) and I were at his house when his boyfriend was away on business and she decided to leave to spend the night at another friend's house as the evening got late. My friend seemed lonely so I decided to stay over. I took my psych meds (which knock me out) with the intent of sleeping on the couch but in my hazy state he somehow coerced me into sleeping in the bed with him. I came to some time later and he had been doing things to me for God knows how long. I freaked out and ran away, even though I was in no shape to drive, and went to my wife and her friend, and somehow was able to tell them what happened.

I can't explain how dirty and violated I felt. In my mind I felt (and still often feel) that I was somehow responsible, that I caused it, that there were plenty of warning signs that were there that I chose to Ignore, that even though I was doped up on my meds I should have been able to be fight him off, and that I got what was coming to me. I was so ashamed. I was seeing a male therapist at the time and I couldn't even bring it up to him because of the shame. And the worst part is that I went back to this friend a few months later because the group of us was supposed to go on a big vacation together, and I would have felt guilty and responsible if this would have ruined the vacation. Crazy, I know. So I lived with it. I kept telling myself "He didn't mean it", or "You know how he gets when he's drunk", or "He was just lonely that night" and the memory eventually got repressed. It got hidden so deep that when I flashed back to it I had no idea what was going on.

I wrote him off about a year ago when the memories started coming back to me until  few months ago when he texted me out of the blue. Again, I started to justify what he did. " He didn't mean it". "Maybe it was my fault". "Maybe I wanted it to happen". But now that the C-PTSD has gotten to the point where I can barely manage my day, I just don't need this. The memory of what actually happened is perfectly clear. The shame is back. I flash back to this as much as I flash back to what happened with my father.

Our "friendship" is so superficial and exists solely over text anyway that I won't miss much by cutting him out, and I definitely won't miss the trigger every time he texts me. So I blocked his calls, texts, and emails. If I were I stronger person I might have explained to him why I did this, but I just can't. I don't think I owe him that anyway. Maybe one day I'll have the strength the explain myself to him, I don't know.

I just couldn't believe how someone could look at somebody already so damaged and do something like what he did. And I also can't believe it took me almost eight years to realize that this person needs to be permanently excised from my life. And yes, I may have taken the easy way out by simply blocking him, but there's a small sense of empowerment there from having done so.

[Blueberry]

Hey, it's great that you blocked him.  I feel I should say lots more but I don't want to go into anything so as not to trigger myself.
Here's  if it's helpful, if not ignore it.

[Sceal]

Hi blackaltis,

I went through something very similar to what you're describing. I too kept up the friendship, the pretense that everything was okay. That it must have been my fault. Surely. And I too repressed the memory for a very long time. A multitude of times really, as there was more than one occation. I understand that there are no words to describe how dirty, violated and vulnerable one becomes. I am very sorry to hear that you too have had to go through this.

I think it takes great strength to make the desicion that you took, to take him out of your life. I did the same. And as you, I also just blocked the number, and social media accounts from interacting with me, and as you - I've felt it was the chicken-way to go about it. But the truth is, it's not chicken at all. It is setting a boundary. It is setting your own wellfare, your own health first. You do not owe him anything. Nothing, not even an explanation. He ruined that when he crossed your boundaries, when he forced himself on you when you were in no position to object or fight him off.

I hope you'll be able to feel proud of yourself that you did block him.

[blackaltis07]

Thank you guys for your kind words. I do feel better for having removed him from my life, and you're right, he is not owed an explanation, despite whatever my mind may be trained to tell me. I've only been a registered member for a week and already this place has helped me tremendously.

[deptofhearts]

hi! ahh what a scumbag, abused his *trusted friend* status and then did that. Good for you - block him, avoid, do whatever you need, even if you don't confront - if thats what you need then do it. He did violate you and thats on him. So sorry that happened and the follow on confusion - but there is no shame for you, no shame at all. You didn't ask for it, even if you had meds - it is not your fault. Feel no shame in putting up boundaries. You can do it! Xx

[sanmagic7]

i'd just like to echo what everyone else has said, you bear no shame nor blame for this.  it's like date rape.  the victim isn't at fault. 

i've tried explaining to people why i was cutting them out of my life, but none of them ever heard what i was saying.  they were too busy playing 'clueless' or defending themselves, or blaming me.  no explanations are necessary.  you did good, blackaltis.  i'm glad that person is out of your life, and you never have to see/bother with him again.  that was a betrayal of the highest magnitude to your friendship.  no excuses for his behavior.   big  safe hug to you.