uncertain whether I was rejected

[camille13512]

Edit: So ashamed I have to delete this. Thanks to all of you who tolerated me and offered precious advice.

[Three Roses]

I always will recommend an honest conversation. But if you're not comfortable with that right now, I'd say just give some space and carry on, do recognize her birthday. Hope everything turns out okay!

[Rainagain]

Hi Camille
If your friend doesn't send you gifts then how about a simple card?

Maintains contact but no pressure.

Just a thought

[Sceal]

When I was younger I had a very close friend. She got very, very sick - and she lost all of her friends in that period of time, except for me. After a while I got rather sick too. Some years later she sent me a card in the post telling me she needed to pause the friendship for a while. She didn't explain why, and I didn't understand. I was devestated, crushed and angry.

Years later, I had another friend who got dramatically sick as I was starting to climb back up and want to live again. I silently started to take a distance from her. It wasn't because I didn't like her.  But because I didn't have the strength to be her friend at that time. She was pulling me right back down into the depression and suicidality (she didn't mean to), and that's when I realised that might have been the reason why my first friend needed a pause. I was making her sick because of my own disease. The depression and the c-PTSD (undiagnosed at the time). It was incredible painful to be rejected and to reject, but also to understand why it happened.

Could it be that your friend when she rejected you did so because she wasn't strong enough yet? Or because she was afraid she was going to, unintentionally, fall ill again? You can't be a good friend if you neglect your own health. It's no one's fault, it's the disease.
Though, of course, this is just my own experiences and yours might not be similar at all. I just wanted to share, incase it is.

[camille13512]

I always will recommend an honest conversation.

I would love to have an honest conversation. Unfortunately I don't know what would be the best way to initiate one without appearing to be weird. They know I am seeing a therapist regularly, but I didn't tell anyone the diagnosis after one day they jokingly said I wanted to suffer. I was worried that I have pissed them off when I constantly appeared to be needy.

Or because she was afraid she was going to, unintentionally, fall ill again?

I am suspecting that's the case. I wonder if I had triggered her during the time I was seeking help, and she couldn't bring herself to say it to me. If so, I would really want to apologize (when I gather enough courage).

If your friend doesn't send you gifts then how about a simple card?
Maintains contact but no pressure.

I think I will go with this route just to be safe.
Thank you all for your kind suggestions. I hope I haven't lost a friend yet, but maybe one day I can be frank with her no mater what happens.