Keep losing everything, over and over. What does this mean?

[marycontrary]

Hey guys, I want to thank you in advance for everything you have offered. It is much appreciated.

I am in this awful cycle where I keep losing things, pets, and people, over and over and over.

I posted the other days how I have lived in 15 places in 10 years. And I hate moving. It seems like godda_med Tsunami makes the situation impossible to live or negotiate.

I am writing a breakup letter to my boyfriend of 2.5 years because his bad temper is stunting my growth. Good, good man---but has a lot of work to do on himself.  God, don't even ask how many I have been through.
 
I have had to let go of countless relationships, including all of my nuclear FOO and many "friends", because of the boundary crashing, scapegoating, and relentless toxicity. I did everything I could to negotiate, but over, and over, it was like talking to walls.
Total lack of respect.

I got "hit and run" over by a car 6 weeks ago while walking. Again, totally reckless driver...I was in the complete right of way. Ugly concussion and really beat up. What did I do to ask for this?

I will have to give up my Kitty, a stray who followed me home 9 months ago...she was only a month old, full of parasites, and was running on empty. However, because of this trauma, she has been aggressive from day one, and no amount of working with her can keep her from attacking and injuring me. My "NEW"  15th-place-in-10-years- apartment...she is getting the roof and tearing up the ceiling. I have to let her go.

But this is the 4th cat I have lost 5 years. 2 got eaten by wildlife. The other one, my abusive ex made me get rid of for no reason. 

Everything is slipping through my fingers. I cannot keep lovers, a home, or beloved pets. It is like this tsunami is on my a** nonstop.

I hate this instability. I consciously work very hard to keep things stable. I am healthy, eat right, few vices, pay my bills, nose in the grindstone. I don't go "hunting" for Duck Dynasty drama. I am really trying to keep things stable so I can complete the healing process so that life is worth living.

What  the * is going on? It seems like nothing I do is stopping this---it is like forces that are bigger than me  are running the show.

[flookadelic]

Oh God Marycontrary can I relate to the "litany of loss" if I may seek to be a touch poetic. I am very sorry to hear about your cats...well, about *all* of it, naturally. A lot of it seems to be sacrifice, a lot of it just crap stuff. When we edit out core FOO or "friends" who turn out to be just rubbish at being decent (often in need of help that they refuse) then the losses have at least a purpose, are part of a consciously directed journey. However there are times when the loss aspect is greater to our minds than the gain aspect. Especially when we are denied the support networks that others take for granted.

I was in my late 40's before I lived anywhere longer than two and a bit years. It is so, so wearing. I now seek a sense of home, of belonging in my heart as there has been practically zilch on an external level. I know it sounds hippy to the extreme but I find it has helped to think along those lines.

A superb resource in such groundless, shifting and changing times is a small but wonderful book called "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron. I heartily recommend it. I hope that you find some rest abd recuperation soon. Removing yourself from someone else's temper and tantrums will, I'm sure, restore a lot of energy for you. All the very best, flooky

[marycontrary]

That is so nice and I appreciate it. I know you and everybody here can relate.

I really need to have some "alone quiet time". I have such an austere life because I can't deal with the hassle of material things and handle this endless rain of sh** at the same time---and not slip into psychosis or some other dissociative state.

These are decisions I have to make they determine if I even might be living 5 years from now. Gotta really be super careful what burdens I can take on. I gotta have a life worth living---when I slip into the basket case mode, it is so hard to recover and it makes life not worth living.

[flookadelic]

I live with fibromyalgia as well as cptsd (whoopy doo)! The reason I mention this is that fibromyalgia has forced me into living life in a very paced, rhythmic way. If I don't pace myself I can be bed ridden for days. That is kind of anologous to cptsd. I have to be patient with it. I have to be "gently penetrating" - too much force and I'll EF and dissociative. Not enough and I just tread water, getting nowhere. Not always an easy balance but I find it helpful to be aware that one exists!

One thing I have learned is to choose my friends with *great* care. Positive company from positive people is a massive help. Before a couple of years ago I was very sloppy about who I let into my life. Not any more!

[marycontrary]

Flook, I cured myself of autoimmune hypothyroidism---yes, as in changed my immune markers and TSH levels, by altering my diet and going to these groovy acupuncturists. Entire adult life---cured in a couple months. If you can stand the agony of cutting out foodgroups and doing triggerpoint massage therapy, you might be able to cure yourself too. I cured myself of these awful migraines as well with accupressure.

Yes, cannot be sloppy anymore...true words of wisdom...

[flookadelic]

I am saving up for alternative treatment and have already begun to change my diet :-) am so pleased that you have turned things around for yourself to such a degree!

[alovelycreature]

Sounds like you're having a rough start to the year. I'm sorry that you're going through so many changes at once. You sound like you really know what you want, and you work towards it. I'm sure if you stick to your boundaries, values, and take care of yourself things will fall into place. At least a "good enough" place.

I know when I feel like how you described I think to myself, "I'm not going to say it can't get any worse because it will!" Just because we take care of ourselves, do the right thing, and try to set up a drama free life for ourselves doesn't mean that we're not going to face challenges. Sorry if this sounds kind of blunt, but acceptance to life--it's craziness, it's unpredictability, it's joys, surprises, etc. is what I've learned is the best way to deal with these kinds of things. The only constant is change. If I am going to accept the random positive feeling from the sun shining through the trees, then I also have to accept the negative feeling of spilled coffee in the car. Life is random.

I'm not saying this is easy, and it something I struggle with daily. I feel when life throws at me an angry client, a totaled car, an injury to a pet--I get overwhelmed for sure, but sometimes after a few days or a week I can accept what happened. Stress relievers are also important here. However, I definitely have problems accepting my FOO or my uNPDM because I have (unrealistic) hope that they'll change or realize the error of their ways. However, there's part of me that knows that's never going to happen--I just haven't accepted it yet. I think the more we can learn to go with the flow, accept things, and live in the moment the more grateful we can be.

When I'm having a hard time, I also try to count my blessings. My friend made me do it with her several times, and it is a good tool for when you feel overwhelmed, vulnerable, or disappointed. I hope you can find some peace in your day. 

[marycontrary]

ALC, thanks so much for your kind words. I know this. But this has been going on so long, and I have lost so much more than this  recent stuff. It is literally, everything---multiple deaths, ugly divorces, businesses, homes, caretaking dying family for long periods of time. Poverty, homelessness, complete psychotic breakdowns (that is the worse loss of all, one's sanity). Thank God for my friend and for support boards like this.

Again, thank you much for your words of wisdom. I had to put my kitty down today after I found out the no kill shelter could not take aggressive animals. Just having a hard, hard day. Again, thank you.

[flookadelic]

My dear Contrary...words are cheap, I know. But my heart walks with you my dear froot.

[Kizzie]

So sorry to hear about all your loss Mary and now your cat, it is a lot to bear. Big and I hope things begin to look up for you really soon 

[alovelycreature]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disenfranchise your grief. Didn't realize that this all happened so recently. Very sorry about your cat. I'm sure he/she had the best quality of life possible with you. The aggressive cat not having a "home" seems strangely symbolic. I think many of us are sensitive to these kinds of rejection. Sending you peace.

[marycontrary]

Oh guys, thank you so much, I am very fortunate to have a wonderful support group here. ALC, you were not invalidating at all. Seriously, what can a person really say? I think you and the other folks here have been so incredibly sweet.

This is what it really boils down to. A component of recovering from complex trauma is not to overactivate the fight or flight system. That means being in a safe place and not having huge amounts of change in the environment. Quiet and steady. But another aspect is trying to lead a somewhat normal life. Like a lot of people here, I REALLY want to isolate, smoke a lot of pot, and dissociate. But I force myself out. Take care of life business, go out with at least some what well adjusted friends, paint the walls, etc.

But losing very importing elements, over and over and over is impeding my healing. There, that is my vocabulary. Losing a pet, home, yet another relationship that turns toxic, all activate the fight or flight stress response to a high degree. The lack of stability  and grief are inhibiting my recovery. This is what is exactly bothering me.

Thanks so much....thanks for prompting me to writing a clear narrative, and to be cohesive and descriptive.. This was really helpful.

[flookadelic]

I was once dropped into the smelly stuff. Left, nay, abandoned to deal with a situation that others were scared of or too lazy to help with. During this period I was walking to the local shop, some three miles away when my back went, big time. I was alone in the woods and the situation was scary and difficult. It occurred to me that some say back pain is a reaction to a lack of support. Well, I could certainly relate to that at that moment in time! So I decided to give myself the moral, emotional and mental support denied me from everywhere else. Much to my genuine astonishment my back sezuire stopped. I was able to move again and complete my errand. What this taught me was that in times of such lack, we can grant ourselves the qualities denied us. Strength is as much a decision to be strong as anything else. Of course this is only my experience and I mention it in the spirit of offering an option or an idea only.

[marycontrary]

Flook, the same thing happens when I get the psychosis to stop. I take immaculate care of myself when I start to slip. But I look at my poor mentally ill cat I had to put under. Too feral to live with, and not feral enough to live in the wild, self sufficient.  I wish somebody had such mercy for me in this way for times like this. Sometimes it is just too much trouble.

[flookadelic]

Sometimes all I can do is batten down the hatches and wait for the time to change.  Honestly believe things are cyclic, and sometimes the rain is so hard all we can do is hold tight, keep faith with the sincerity of our own hearts and wait for inevitable change when we can't engineer it. Not exactly the most dynamic strategy ever but there are times when it's applicable. Also, life is groundless and it's possible to see that as a form of freedom rather than threat. I very much hope that this crappy weather passes you by soon.