Guilt on remembering how I was a disgusting narcissistic person

[DecimalRocket]

I remember sometimes, and I get ashamed. My own trauma before made me broken to react that way. While I don't have these problems today to such an extreme extent anymore or have unhealthy ways of dealing with these, I still have guilt over them.

I had a hidden hatred for everyone — including myself and I went months with LVKM meditation for that. I was a liar — to myself and others to look better — and when I look back, I bet I didn't even look convincing. I did what I could to be aware of myself even if the discovery of what I was shocked me to tears on a regular basis — but it was not enough. I was arrogant — I switched between thinking everything was possible with thinking everything is impossible.

I held in it in school but at home, I was having shouting matches with my abusive mom. I slapped her, I kicked her, I punched her and for every first move I make — I'd stop myself in horror and she'd be so angry at me for doing so.

I did everything to hold these feelings in — research and practice for several months and even years —  in but even when all the external actions of lying around it were nearly gone, I still felt what caused the lying addiction in the first place. It was a denial of some very selfish feelings inside me — that I believed I was entitled to worship for my accomplishments. That a part of me once think I was powerful as a god and another as weak as a worm.

I hid whatever narccistic emotions were in me. I hid them because I thought no one would ever truly care, love or listen to me. I watched how other people taught of people like me inside — and they often hated them or laughed at their efforts.

I tried Voice Dialogue. It's a practice to talk to parts of yourself — like the inner child but with more personalities.

I went and talked to the Narccistic side of myself. For a long time, he talked about himself. His achievements. His greatness. His amazingness. His intelligence, his objectivity, his humility, his hard work, his kindness, his likability, his everything.

But one day, he broke down, cried and talked about how no one ever really cared about him in his life. No one listened. How truly pathetic he was. He only let go of all the belief of being perfect when I said I love you to him over and over. . . and when I listened to him in a way no one else did. I only was able to feel connection to other people only when the first people who bothered to listen to me did.

But to be honest, I regret it. I regret that part of me ever existed. I feel humiliated at how I acted. I feel guilt at being a d****. For not trying hard enough. For not being worthy of love.

At the same time, I'm heartbroken. Heartbroken and grieving for the sheer loneliness the me back then had.

Sigh. I'm in tears.

I'm in tears.

[sanmagic7]

o my dear d.r., i can relate to some of this in a very real way.  i had that arrogance about me, believed i was perfect, that i knew (or would find out) all the right answers, had no compassion or empathy.  there are several instances in which i behaved in a less than kind way that stand out for me.

i think your loving dialogue with that part of you was brilliant.  i wish i'd thought of it a long time ago.   i look back on that part of my life now and can realize it was a coping mechanism to hide all the insecurity inside.  since i had to only rely on myself, i absolutely could not let insecurity run my life.  so, i went to the opposite extreme.

big sigh here.  we do what we have to in order to survive, not only physically but mentally and emotionally.  i tell myself now that i've pretty much left that part of my personality behind because i don't need it anymore (altho it will still pop out if i'm feeling insecure in a situation).  i've made the best amends i could to people whom i've hurt, and have had to leave it at that.

it's a tough one.  i push the guilt down as best i can, and focus on leading a different kind of life now.  i can't atone for all my past behaviors, but i also know nothing and no one is perfect.  when i look back on who i was, i don't like me at all.  i have to keep reminding myself that i did the best i could to keep alive, and i can't do anymore about it now.  it's just one of those things.

so, standing right beside you on this one, d.r.  big hug for both of us.  we're still evolving and growing, and that counts for something, too, doesn't it?

[Three Roses]

I can relate to everything that's been said, dr. You're def not alone. 

[woodsgnome]

Those inner parts are persistent. We let them have their way but only end up guilty for letting them run riot with our lives. At least that's been my experience.

Only recently have I tried a different tack than just feeling remorse and anger over their being there. Especially with regards to the Inner Critic. I was desperate but had read about how the ICr is only doing what it knows best, and somehow might even have been an important part of one's psychic defense system back when.

Desperation calls for radical action, it seems. To me, it didn't seem right to give in to the ICr (or Narcissistic?) side, and so I fought it. It seems to be just what it wanted, resulting only in a vicious cycle that grew rather than shrunk. But I always felt awful about it. So finally I tried befriending it, like you did. And it was like sometimes can happen in real life when someone you thought was an antagonist turns out just to be needing a friend, too.

Thanks for sharing your experience with this, DR. None of this is smooth sailing, is it? So we  learn to sail as best we can. And when that seems too much--to surf and find a hidden talent instead of reacting to the old hidden part we took for an enemy. And with the remorse lessened, there's more room for the good parts to grow.

[LittleBird]

Hey DR. I have a fight side. For me it's a dissociative/protective side that can come out in conversation, although it's mostly an inner critic. I have to acknowledge I've got an issue there and am trying to keep it under check.

There are variations to Fight behaviours/NPD. Everyone varies in experience, behaviour, noticing behaviour and attitudes within that. These behaviours are an injury as well.

I hear your heartbreak and grieving. Well done for facing this part of yourself and I hope you take comfort knowing you put so much effort into making changes. Forgive yourself.

[Rainagain]

Decimal rocket,
If you tried to hide any narcissistic emotion maybe you weren't narcissistic as a narcissist wouldn't bother?
I wonder if sometimes we delude ourselves to allow us to hang more self hate around our necks?

I am much too hard on myself so I can then take more blame than is warranted, could that be what happens with you?

I think its OK to let ourselves off these hooks, we deserve to be kinder to ourselves.

[Blueberry]

Decimal Rocket, I don't label myself. In fact I don't even really label my abusers and enablers with diagnoses except the one official one - depression.

You seem to have been in 'fight' mode in an earlier part of your life. There was probably a reason for that. I've been becoming more and more forgiving of myself over the years. I hope you manage too. Sorry i can't write more atm. 

[LittleBird]

What Blueberry said is what I'm hoping for myself. Labels don't do any of us justice - anyone using this forum can understand the truth in that.

[sanmagic7]

amen

[ah]

This makes me wonder... there's a big difference between arrogance and narcissism. There can be healthy self-confidence, when you're very good at something; there can even be arrogance that's over the top and unhealthy, but still not narcissistic.

Anger, too. And hatred toward yourself and others.

I used to be on fight mode a lot as a teenager. Sometimes also now as an adult, though much less. It never, ever, ever meant I was narcissistic, methinks. You're not, the reason I know it is because you say you agonize over being narcissistic. A narcissist wouldn't.
A kind person, on the other hand, who's pushed beyond limits of endurance and is trying to defend the self and survive in a dangerous, abusive environment would use anger but then hate themselves for feeling it. Every time I feel anger I'm overcome with self hatred.

But fight is just another survival mechanism. There's nothing inherently bad about it, that makes it unlike any other survival mechanism. It's normal, universal, human, and oh so important when you're in danger.

In my experience as an observer of a sadistic psychopath for a father, I've been watching my personal specimen of narcissism for 4 decades now  plus a couple of FOO members who followed suit and are full fledged narcissists too: I've never seen shame on the face of my father. Never seen him do the tiniest thing that's guilt driven. He enjoys fighting, loves putting himself above all others, it invigorates him, fills him with energy. You or I would feel drained of energy and terrified after being really enraged or after a big fight, but he'd seem filled with new strength, excited, enjoying it. You're not a narcissist. You were a badly hurting, badly hurt, alone, suffering, vulnerable human being.
I'm so sorry you had to come to a point where you felt that way. I know that place and it really isn't pretty.

It does tell me one thing strong and clear though, that your kind heart is in the right place beneath all that pain you went through.

[DecimalRocket]

I have nothing much to say other than thank you guys. Really. I feel a lot better. Not perfect you know, but better.