who am i?

[dragonM1]

For so many years I've been whatever others wanted me to be. I had no real identity. But recently I've come to discover I don't truly know who I am. I'm in the grief stage, and I'm finding out that I don't really like who I was when in survivor mode. Right now I'm just numbing my way through it all. Things I once enjoyed have no meaning to me anymore. I question everything, it's this who I am, is this really something I want or something they wanted? It seems to be alot and I'm finding it difficult to face myself through the cities of walls I've built to protect myself. I'm going to get the book by Pete Walker and start off there. Any suggestions on working through finding my true self and who I really am?

[Rainagain]

Hi
Sorry to read you are struggling with a sense of self.
I was struggling in survivor mode for many years and I didn't like that version of Me either.

Would it help to adopt the same approach as people who declutter homes for people?

What they do is pick up something and ask ' is it useful to you, does it bring you joy?'

You could usefully apply it to all parts of your life I think, people, hobbies, activities.

I think I do this automatically, everything in life is basically a transaction so if you are getting a really poor deal or insufficient return for your effort then downscale that item in your life and invest effort in something more rewarding.

When I say joy that might be a bit optimistic, nothing really makes me joyful, but some stuff I think is worthwhile, or at least OK.

I'm probably off the mark but wanted you to have a response.

[I like vanilla]

I had that problem when I started my healing journey, and sometimes still do. I am I Like Vanilla because I literally did not know if I preferred vanilla or chocolate soft serve...

What I have been trying is trying new things.

For example, I take classes at the community centre, sometimes those that I think that I will like and sometimes those that seem outside my comfort zone. I have often been surprised how much I enjoy these classes. If I enjoy one, I try something similar next time. If not, I try something completely different. Sometimes, I have enjoyed a particular class or set of classes but realize I have gotten what I need from it and move on. Sometimes, I look up continuing education classes at local post-secondary institutions but do find these are more expensive so do not take many. Art stores often advertise art-related classes (drawing, painting, etc.) as do hobby shops on a variety of hobbies. I have tried some of these with success. I imagine that sporting goods stores might know about local sports leagues and classes, but I am not sportif so have not looked into this option.

I've also participated in meet-up groups, try visiting new parks or touristy places in the city where I live, take different routes to familiar places, eat at new restaurants, etc. At the library, I sign out books from genres I have not read/read often; joining goodreads and then reading challenges on that site has helped me to explore new reading areas. Where I live, the library also has an array of movies and music options that I can sign out and try, and I often take advantage of these options. I visit the art gallery (many have a free/by donation night every week so I go on that night) to see the new shows, and revisit work in the permanent galleries that resonate with me. And so on.

I have also tried different volunteering positions until I found one that I mesh with. It meets once a month and I look forward to those days. I find too, that having a sense of accomplishment and of making a contribution to my community is very empowering and feels awesome.

Generally, I try to have a sense of curiosity and keep an open mind. Will I enjoy this? What will I get from this experience? What can I get from it even if I do not enjoy it? What is the instructor's approach (as applicable)? What will the other people in the group be like (as applicable)?  Etc.

Finally, I have been working to really feel my emotions (something my new-ish therapist focuses on as part of his practice). I regularly stop and ask myself 'how am I feeling right now?' then I scan my body and see both the physical sensations (e.g. 'my knees feel tight') as well as my emotional responses (e.g. 'I feel angry') then I have a sense that whenI feel angry I also tighten up my leg muscles. I can then also start to see what preceded those feelings and work out if it is a trigger or an event that needs to be addressed (e.g. 'I feel angry and have tense muscles because I am upset that Bob took all the credit for a project we worked on together'). In a more pleasant example, 'I feel centred and loose in my body', 'I feel happy', 'joining the choir was a great idea. I will keep doing this!'

And, sometimes, I just stay home and cuddle with my cat, have a bubble bath (without the cat, though she usually sits nearby) and take a break.