Could I have C-PTSD from these experiences? Possible trigger warning.

[yogi]

Hi, I'm just learning about C-PTSD and am new here. I came across some stuff on C-PTSD online yesterday after googling how I was feeling . Yesterday afternoon I was full of rage, despair, emptiness and self-loathing that was triggered by something minor - my boyfriend inviting his family around at short notice when I was feeling low, without asking me first. We ended up in a huge argument because I got so stressed about them coming around and he ended up saying "You don't like people" and for some reason that pressed all my buttons and my inner thoughts about how I am a "freak" who belongs nowhere. I felt like a hurt and angry child and behaved that way too. I am ashamed and exhausted today and not even able to go to work as I feel so weird and drained.

Some of my experiences are below - could they be enough to trigger C-PTSD? They don't seem that bad to me but I can relate to the symptoms so any thoughts/advice welcome...

I don't consider myself as being abused as a child. I was smacked when I was naughty (this was "normal" in the late 80s/early 90s I guess) and I always felt that there was something wrong with me as my mum always called me "drama queen" or "prima donna" in an unkind way. My parents both had difficult childhoods (my Dad was physically and emotionally abused and neglected) and had their own issues, I think my mum was very distracted by the issues in their relationship throughout my childhood. My parents were inappropriate in their language and I remember my Dad calling my brother a "little c**t" when my brother broke his foot at an activity centre. I also remember my mum saying to my sister that she was a "fat cow". But overall they were okay and probably seemed "normal" to others. I was never sexually abused or anything. My mum hit me in the face once when I was 15  (albeit so hard I saw stars) but it was because I was home late and I think she saw me as "acting out" as when I got home all my belongings were in trash bags/bin bags and she hit me in the face. But she was immediately sorry and I wasn't thrown out of the house or anything, I think she was just angry. She developed a drinking problem and anger issues after my Dad left her when I was 14. She used to share inappropriate stuff with me around that time (like about how my Dad had an STD). I found out around that time that my Dad also had a secret child, who was 2 years old, a result of an affair. My Mum really struggled at this time, she managed to work but she drank a lot of red wine in the evenings and used to fly into rages about the smallest thing. She would barge into my room screaming when I was sleeping because she couldn't find a hairbrush for example. I remember feeling anxious a lot and her footsteps would make me panic as sometimes she would look so full of rage. Anyway soon after that our house flooded (twice in a row) and we lost everything. The water was up to my waist. All memories, clothes, photo albums destroyed. This didn't help my Mum at all and my Dad was out of the picture for the most part then, busy with his new son. We moved a lot. I started smoking weed all the time. I didn't go to school and used to get bronchitis as I smoked all day, but nobody seemed to notice. I hung around with "troublemakers". A 17 year old boy had sex with me when I was 15 (I wasn't expecting it as I had gone to sleep upstairs by myself after drinking too much) and I can only remember tiny parts of that. I developed anorexia a few years later. I was in serious car accident (the car rolled on to its roof) and ended up with whiplash. Then I developed a cocaine addiction in addition to worsening anorexia at uni. I started getting severe episodes of depression then. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship  for 18 months with a very controlling and angry guy when I was 23. He used to say horrible things like "you are beautiful on the outside but disgusting on the inside" and he would hack my emails and accuse me of cheating on him and other things all the time, even though I wasn't. Luckily his visa expired and he had to leave the country and this led to us breaking up! After that I was still troubled but things were okay. Then one of my boyfriends forced me to have sex with him and that affected me a lot although at the time I didn't see it as rape. There are probably other things in my life I could mention but those are the things that spring to mind right now!

Now in my early thirties I really struggle in my relationships. I have frequent depressive episodes and feel anxious a lot. I get migraines and neck pain. My relationship with my mum is complex and I find it easier not to have contact with her, but she finds this too hard so I try to see her occasionally (once or twice a year). I actually get on very well with my Dad as he has taken responsibility for his mistakes and has been a good father to me in recent years, even though he wasn't when I was a child. I often feel different from other people and I always end up isolating myself. I don't have anyone to turn to when I feel like this, I have a few close female friends but I don't really turn to them when I feel low. To be honest most of the time I only see my boyfriend and his family every two weeks. In my job I am able to emotionally support others yet secretly in my own personal life there is a lot of loneliness and struggle. My boyfriend doesn't really "get" why I don't like being around his family all the time but the whole concept of family is a pretty weird one for me. His family are very civilised and never talk of emotions  (very different to my background) and meet for family dinners weekly. I know I should be grateful that they want to include me, but I find it difficult to cope with and often feel "judged", even though that may not be the case. So like yesterday I get very anxious about "family time" especially if it's unexpected and I am having  a bad day mood-wise. My boyfriend gets frustrated and I understand why - I guess it's "normal" to spend time with family and I don't want to stop him from enjoying this. His family should be able to come to our house without giving much notice, I feel like I am the problem here, why do I get so anxious? I feel like there is something wrong with me.

Wow, reading this back it's like a stream of consciousness! I suppose I want to know whether I am just being melodramatic (a "drama queen" as my Mum would say!) or whether it is possible that I could suffer from C-PTSD? Even thought I was never abused.

P.S I posted this in the "childhood" C-PTSD section as my problems seem to stem from childhood events, I hope that's right.

[Blueberry]

Welcome here yogi!

We can't diagnose you obviously, but what you've listed could well be enough. It's common for us to downplay what was done to us. You say you weren't abused, but I see verbal abuse done to you and your siblings, I see physical abuse done to you - hit in the face so hard you saw stars. A 17 year old having sex with you without your consent is rape (you can't consent if you're drunk or asleep). It's maybe even sex abuse, but I'm not sure with his age, but other people on here know the laws there better than I do. Your mother sharing inappropriate stuff with you is a form of emotional abuse. And there is so much more in your post. So i'm sorry you've had all this to contend with!

I'm sorry I don't feel up to writing anything more. I hope you get some more replies. 

[Three Roses]

Welcome! Many of us here are self diagnosed with cptsd. What you've been thru is def enough to cause it!

I'm sorry you've been thru so much. Thanks for joining.

[BlancaLap]

Well, I think you have C-PTSD, but hey, the good news is that if you had a bad childhood a lot of people here can help you! Just stay strong!

[sanmagic7]

hey, yogi,

i didn't grow up with an 'obvious' abuse, either, but what i did go thru was plenty enough to make itself known during my life.   it led me to have certain ways of thinking, perceiving, and believing about the world and myself that i now know was not at all healthy, and didn't benefit me.

it depends on how you reacted to the treatment you received.  even a so-called joke about you as a person can be abusive if it hurts you on any level.

thanks for posting.  here's a hug if you want it   

[yogi]

Thank you so much for the replies, I was so worried that I would anger people because my history might not be serious enough. When I read the kind and validating replied this morning I cried.

[Rainagain]

Hi yogi,

Downplaying the severity of the abuse you have experienced and becoming anxious that people would attack you for posting are typical responses for people with cptsd.

I do the same myself.

[yogi]

Hi yogi,

Downplaying the severity of the abuse you have experienced and becoming anxious that people would attack you for posting are typical responses for people with cptsd.

I do the same myself.

Thank you for saying this, it helps a bit to know this might be part of trauma. Sorry to hear that you experience it too.

[yogi]

Thanks to all that replied. Over Christmas I fell out with my mother again after she posted passive aggressive posts on social media that my partner I believe are about me, alluding that the problems in our relationship are a reflection on me, not her and that she has "ceased to react". My boyfriend saw the post first and 100% believed it was about me too, and he is very level-headed and usually tries to take a balanced view. So I don't think it's all in my head. This is because I didn't spend Christmas with my mother (I had told her that I wouldn't be in October). Anyway, my mother sent me a message on Christmas Day acting like nothing had happened with an OTT "wishing you love and happiness" message and I replied telling her I wasn't feeling much love from her after what she had posted on social media. She turned it all around on me and acted innocent and basically said it's all in my head, none of her posts were about me. I told her I don't believe her and neither does my partner and not to contact me. I felt relief immediately afterwards but ever since the guilt and shame have been horrendous. My sister, who used to be like my best friend, has taken her side. Others in the family may have too. In the night it feels there is a heavy weight on my chest, I often can't breathe properly or sleep for many hours. All I feel is the terrible guilt that maybe I ruined my mother's Christmas and I am an awful person.

*** TW *** Suicide Ideation

On Christmas Day night I felt like ending my life and sometimes I'm still getting the thought "I want to die" but I don't really think I do. I'm not actively suicidal. The pain is just too much.

[Libby12]

Yogi,  I am so sorry to read about your situation with your mother.   Like you,  my life-long, terrible relationship with my nm and ef finally ended around Christmas, several years ago.

It felt awful,  just as you are feeling now. I just really want to reassure you. It may take a while to get over the guilt and the pain and the loneliness,  but your mother seems to be causing you such pain, that it will,  I believe,  be worth it.  The fact that you are already aware of cptsd and all its implications is a good start.  I can honestly say that it was from reading all about it and finding this site that I really began to heal.  I wish I knew what I know now when things came to a head with my parents.  It's awful to wonder whether you are the crazy one; to feel such guilt; to lose your sibling.  I have read your story and want to validate your feelings.

If there is anything you want to ask about going forward,  please just ask. I am no expert but I have been through a similar situation and believe I am doing well now. So I might be able to support you a bit.

All the best.

Libby.

[Three Roses]

 

Nothing about going low- or no-contact is written in stone. It can be whatever best suits your life. You do have the right to a peaceful, abuse-free life and that includes verbal/emotional abuse.

Wishing you tons of strength and insight, with lots of thrown in. We're with you! 

[Blueberry]

  I'm sorry things are so hard for you atm yogi! Our FOOs are often full of denial about what they did to us. I often feel guilt and shame too, but they aren't my guilt and shame. It's part of CPTSD that we take on others' guilt and shame.

You are not an awful person! You are a brave person to stand up and give your opinion in FOO. You did not ruin your mother's Christmas!

Standing with you!

[Kizzie]

She turned it all around on me and acted innocent and basically said it's all in my head, none of her posts were about me. I told her I don't believe her and neither does my partner and not to contact me. I felt relief immediately afterwards but ever since the guilt and shame have been horrendous. My sister, who used to be like my best friend, has taken her side. Others in the family may have too. In the night it feels there is a heavy weight on my chest, I often can't breathe properly or sleep for many hours. All I feel is the terrible guilt that maybe I ruined my mother's Christmas and I am an awful person.

Oh dear Yogi, my heart goes out to you as I have a M who does the same kind of thing and gets around it by denying, fueling covert smear campaigns, etc.  She counted on me being afraid to hurt her and to feel guilty, she worked to train me to react in that way and until I could see it clearly I did. I honestly felt like I was going to die when I crossed her, like I was in imminent danger when I crossed her.  She loomed extremely large in my psyche and finally it came down to her or me and I chose me.  It was so difficult but that choice also let me listen to the part of me that knew she was abusing me, traumatizing me and to see more and more clearly that her behaviour was toxic for me, and that my gut feeling was correct all along, I just shoved it down for a number of reasons.  One of those reasons was the tiny flicker of hope that she would change.  When I finally realized she would not it was such a huge loss and I grieved for a long time (that has eased with time I should add), but it freed me to move forward in recovery too.

If you think about it your M is doing just fine (as mine always did too) while you are suffering in the depths of your soul. Something is very, very wrong with that IMO and maybe if you let yourself be angry it will help to balance out the fear and guilt you feel.  No parent should ever cause these types of feelings in their child, it is not normal or healthy behaviour, it just isn't. I see in my own parenting how different I am with my son, what positive parenting looks like and that's not it.   

Sending much understanding and support and care to you        

[yogi]

Yogi,  I am so sorry to read about your situation with your mother.   Like you,  my life-long, terrible relationship with my nm and ef finally ended around Christmas, several years ago.

It felt awful,  just as you are feeling now. I just really want to reassure you. It may take a while to get over the guilt and the pain and the loneliness,  but your mother seems to be causing you such pain, that it will,  I believe,  be worth it.  The fact that you are already aware of cptsd and all its implications is a good start.  I can honestly say that it was from reading all about it and finding this site that I really began to heal.  I wish I knew what I know now when things came to a head with my parents.  It's awful to wonder whether you are the crazy one; to feel such guilt; to lose your sibling.  I have read your story and want to validate your feelings.

If there is anything you want to ask about going forward,  please just ask. I am no expert but I have been through a similar situation and believe I am doing well now. So I might be able to support you a bit.

All the best.

Libby.

Thank you Libby. It helped me to read your message. I'm so glad that you managed to move forward from a similar situation and heal.

I have been trying to distract myself over the last week or so but I am still very wobbly. I was in a mess over the weekend but somehow got it together for work today. Just putting one foot in front of the other for the most part and trying not to let the shame overwhelm me.

It's weird how this toxicity seems to be contaminating my other relationships too - I'm feeling more irritable and mistrustful and my fiancé and I are arguing.I can't reach out to anyone and say how I'm feeling, so I'm just hiding away except when I go to work. Sort of feel like my life is slipping away but I think/hope my relationship with my fiancé is strong enough to take it.

Any advice or help much appreciated. I am starting therapy this week too!

Thanks again for the solidarity.

[yogi]

Nothing about going low- or no-contact is written in stone. It can be whatever best suits your life. You do have the right to a peaceful, abuse-free life and that includes verbal/emotional abuse.

Wishing you tons of strength and insight, with lots of thrown in. We're with you!

Thank you!