[DecimalRocket]

Sigh. I don’t deserve to be listened here, but I came crawling back into this place again. My IC is acting as if it is it’s birthday. I think I’m in a really intense EF right now. . . Dammit.

If you’ve read enough about me around this forum — you’ll probably figure out that I have problems with feeling that I deserve to be listened to due to childhood emotional neglect. And if you look at certain posts— you’d know I’d have unhealthy addctions due to needing attention from a lying addiction to being a workaholic. I don’t do those anymore, but I still feel these same feelings in EFs! Oh come on! Am I going to come here with the same problem every week?!

I feel all my ideas I want to share are terrible. Whether I’m in my journal, talking to people here or on another part of the forum. My ideas take too long to explain considering how reflective I am. I feel like I’m bound to be wrong, bound to be accidentaly hurtful in some way and bound to be boring. I feel like everyone’s going to treat me like I don’t exist.

My ideas contribute to much of my comfort in life. My ideas on solving problems that scare me. My ideas on gaining the attention of others. My ideas on making me feel better about myself. My ideas on how I move on from the past, deal with the present and plan for the future. My ideas that I can enjoy teaching to others.

To believe my own ideas are not worth listening to feels like all the ideas that give me comfort are worthless. And to think these are worthless is to think I and my whole life is worthless.

Sigh.

Sigh.

[Sceal]

Hi Rocket,

You're not worthless, and neither are your ideas.
Keep writing, and keep sharing. Some days there will be slower responces, but I would assume that has to do with people struggling on their end and are having a hard time writing back coherently. And other days people gets involved in the conversation.  Try not to let your IC tell you otherwise. I know it's hard.

 
By expressing your thoughts and ideas, and slowly opening up to being vulnerable on this forum, despite it being anonymous is a brave thing to do. Don't forget that.

[Dee]

I use to defer all my decisions to someone else because I thought everyone else could do it better.  I don't do that anymore.  It takes time and effort.  It also takes a commitment to put yourself out there.  I am still uncomfortable at times, maybe even most of the time.  I also use to seek approval for everything.  I over achieved in crazy ways.  You have done better with that, but it took work.  You can do better with this too.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry you feel worthless DR. Of course you deserve to be listened to here!

Really deep down I often feel worthless too, which I project on to other people, especially clients. I'm worthless so my life is worthless and everything I do is worthless and my clients are worthless and how could anything I do for them be anything other than worthless and everything is worthless anyway. Is how it runs. And then I can't think how any of my services could be any use for them and then it becomes difficult to do anything for client. Somehow or other I usually manage but it takes up a lot of time, effort and brain power.

FOO tended to say I was a loser and a failure when I was growing up so it's no wonder I have this deep-seated feeling of worthlessness. I think it's getting less though the more I realise how deranged FOO is. I hope this feeling lessens for you too in time. 

[sanmagic7]

not worthless, never worthless.  we all have our own perspectives, and every single one is valid and worth hearing. 

the fact that you offer your perspectives to others is courageous, and i hope you give yourself some credit for that.   we can never tell what people can relate to or not.  i know that every time i post (even right now) i'm not sure if it will make sense to anyone else.

but, i've learned a long time ago, when i first decided to work with troubled adolescent girls. that try as i might, i wasn't going to get thru to all of them.  when i was in grad school, another student more or less told me i was stupid for wanting to work with such a population, because the 'success rate' was so low,    a saying i heard came into my head.  if you reach even one, if one has a moment of clarity with your help, you've succeeded.

i think that's appropriate here as well.  we're all fish swimming in the same pond, and not all of us can relate to the other.  still, if someone gets something pos. from something any of us says, it counts.  that's life-changing all by itself.

pooh to your inner critic, i say.  keep going, d.r..  you're support and opinions are valid and valuable, as are you.  big hug.

[Three Roses]

I don't think you are worthless. You are a survivor, you've been injured, but that hasn't removed your value - if anything, we survivors have extra that others don't - extra patience, extra compassion, extra insight. Hang in there and keep posting.
 

[woodsgnome]

So much of what you say is precisely how I feel, too. So that's the first fictional thought to be rid of--you're not alone by a long shot.

One thing that's obvious is your love of wonder and curiosity, as you so eloquently wrote about in one post, coining it as WCT--Wonder and Curiosity Therapy.  The other side of that is your willingness to explore, on your rocket, and stay open to all the ideas you encounter. And then...

Sometimes those ideas are pretty radical. My take on that is that this stuff we deal with called cptsd is in itself radical, and requires developing a different mind-set in order to make any headway.

It is hard to explain, sometimes, especially when it goes even slightly counter to how the culture-at-large regards certain things as a given. But it was also a given that the abusers can conveniently hide behind too. So we have to battle our way out, and it's pretty lonely.

I've given up lots of times on this forum; thought I didn't make any sense, couldn't explain myself well, and felt I wasn't able to connect in ways that helped anyone, even myself. But I've always "crawled back", as you put it, because I'd find some nugget in someone's post, or I figured something I'd learned might be worth sharing.

Sometimes I'd feel like items I wrote about were a bit off-the-wall, but that's me, too. So I dared to put it out there anyway, and more often than not received a response that had oomph, substance, and best of all--a sense of camaraderie I don't have in my life--at all.

I could go on, as I have the same habit of stretching and exploring with what I want to say. But I won't this time; other than to say you landed here for legit reasons--the biggest of which is yours is a voice that deserves to be heard, and yours is a viewpoint that others can benefit from. And is being listened to...I know, that's hard to figure. Sometimes it seems like we're a bunch of phantoms.

For now, I just want to make this clear in simpler language--

                                  

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks guys. Really. 

I guess maybe a part of me was pushing myself too hard to post ideas here. The more people show empathy to me, the more empathetic I seem to become with others. And that empathy can be . . . overwhelming, to say the least. I also wanted to repay people here in some way. Makes me want to be less of a burden sometimes by not posting my worries. But I bet I should be more careful — as reaching out to people like this tends to be my main triggers for EFs due to certain . . . experiences..

I’m more of a problem solver than a nurturer, and to work on a weakness of mine so blatantly is highly stressful. I have enough awkwardness with my own emotions. Though, coming here to develop my emotional side is one of the main reasons why I’m here.

Analyzing and solving is my comfort zone . . . and it seems like anything that has to do with my emotions or relationships with others is done a lot more slowly and is more tiring to work on. Analysis can be even slower at times, but it’s nearly always more enjoyable.

But I’ll try. I’ll do my best.

But for now, I’ll go have fun with my hobbies now as a break. Developing weaknesses is nice, but strengths need emphasis. I love this place, really, but I’ll do a lot more for this world with my problem solving and research skills than staying around here too much. And well — I’m pretty weary from that last EF.

Oh well. See you. 

 

[sanmagic7]

hey, d.r., i can totally relate.  i was no. 1 problem-solver and solution- finder for most of my life.  it's been, as you say, very difficult at times to find the emotional side of me, sometimes even overwhelming.  it's not easy work.  i don't blame you for wanting to take a break from it.

do what you need to do.  we'll be here if/when you decide to come back.  sending a hug filled with respect and love.

[JamesG]

Hey DC, do you create at all in any form? Because I think you should!

I'm a writer, novelist, and I can tell you that it's one of the biggest tools I have for beating this. Just do it for you and let rip, makes a huge difference to how life feels.

Also, try and bear in mind that the things you feel are often merely the way that the biology of the thing works and not half as personal and internal as it can sometimes appear. Your sense of self is bruised, and that makes you doubt yourself. But that's the way of the thing. Knowing how typical that is and seeing the same patterns again and again in here, you increasingly realised that there is a real flightpath to beating this thing. Your past put you here, but you can you will untangle the ropes it haps left around you. Read everything you can on this thing and take it apart in the cold blue light of reason. Wash the wound with psychology and biology.

This is beatable, it's not easy, but it can beaten. Now are you with me?

I SAID ARE YOU WITH ME! Yay!

Defiance is everything.